The Road to Recovery

Wow, you won't believe how much better I feel! From yesterday to today, it's like a whole new person!

I ate mandarin oranges for breakfast, then late morning I had some chicken broth with saltine crackers. I was actually feeling hungry after that, so Kween and I had Subway for lunch. I usually get a Meatball Sub, but I figured that would just be pushing it, so I got regular cold cuts. Life was good. My energy stores were still low so, I have been taking it easy today. But I didn't even sleep at my desk, I was awake the whole time.

And....I even had on 3 3/4 in stacked heels! Yes!! Rest assured, she's back!

No dinner this evening, just not very hungry really. Still trying to take it easy back into solid foods. We'll start anew tomorrow.

Talked to Can't Get Right today. He told me yesterday that he wanted to talk to me and could I call him back in 30minutes. Well of course he wasn't answering when I called. What-ever. He called today and I asked what he wanted to talk to me about. He told me he had lost his nerve. I had already told Kween earlier that he probably had a feeling I was seeing someone and wanted to ask, but changed his mind. The thing about me is if you ask a question I assume you want the answer, so I will tell you. He knows this too.

Anyhow, when I asked what he had to talk to me about and he BS'd around it, I half-jokingly asked if he had another baby on the way. Well, I didn't like his answer, so I probed further. Turns out, he almost did!!!! By this most recent baby mama (who lied and told him she had an IUD, but really wanted a baby) is who it was. Now my thing about this is this:

What if -when he assured the divorce was on the horizon this last time- I actually believed him, and waited for him, and not saw anyone else? First off, I would be missing out on Dante. That, at this point, is completely unimaginable. I can't begin to say how much I adore him (and that's all I am willing to admit to myself). Secondly, I would be devastated to the point of slightly crazy by now. I waited and you've been sleeping with someone else???

So, what do I really think about this new revelation? What a great way to end this year. I knew in my heart it was over, and this just solidified it for me. Thank You Lord for helping me close doors.

What's most hilarious is that that news is not what he wanted to talk to me about. He wanted to talk to me about me and him!!!!! HA! I just want him to be a father to Starr, that's all I ask.

To top the evening off, me and the ex-husband had an argument tonight! Let me backtrack to say yes I have 2 ex-husbands. But the likelihood of me EVER talking about ex-husband #2 is just rare period. If I do, I will let you know. But hereafter, I am always talking about my first husband when I mention ex-husband (also DJ's father).

It started out with him asking to claim DJ on taxes next year, and thinking he was fooling me into believing the benefit is to DJ by giving him a $500 CD. We have already had the tax-claiming as a favor, him reniging on his part of the deal scenario once in our lifetime...and I said never again. But I told him I would at least think about it, and I meant that. One thing led to another about extra fees being paid by me, and him saying that's what child support is for, and me pointing out that his child support has not been adjusted in the 10 years it's been in effect. It was going downhill from there -- and fast! He was actually yelling! And even said some crazy mess like let DJ come live with him! I told him that money meant nothing, I would much rather have him sitting at the sidelines of one of DJs basketball games...like all the other boys had at some point or another. I would rather him attend some parent-teacher conferences, or talk to his teachers throughout the year. I would rather him have been in the audience at DJs spelling bee. You know, little things like that! But he can't see that at all. I just want my kids to have better father relationships than I had/have. Is that too much to ask??

I try not to get my Punkin involved in those drama-filled moments of my life if I can help it. I don't know if I'm trying to put on a front or if it's just we're not quite on that level yet to really share. I vented to the bff, and will probably talk to mama later. I mean those are the people that were there since day one, through the good and the very bad and very ugly of our history. I don't want him to have to experience that if I can help it. I really care about him, and while I know all our time can't be happy, at least I can try to keep the unnecessary drama that I have to deal with out of his life. He's got his own stuff to deal with, and I care that much about him not to add my occasional messiness to it.

What's funny is that I have Dante on my desktop at work, so he's the first thing and last thing I see at my desk. Then I have a polaroid of him on my bookcase headboard, so I usually see him before I go to sleep too. Plus I have pictures of him in my beloved Treo as well. I am really smitten with him. But when I think really hard about it, I don't think there's more to it than that. I could be in denial, this is true. But I don't think so. I think I am just protected because we had our conversation so long ago about the limitations of what we are and what we could be....so it's really a protective mechanism.
Though in all honesty, if I could turn it on....he would be totally worth suffering a heartbreak over.

Yes. I am THAT crazy about him.