Boy has it been a week! The BFF has been going through hell with this guy. She's not still with him or trying to be with him (thank God), but it's just the fallout after the bomb that's going on right now. So still most of our conversations have been focused on her, and occasionally I get a word in edgewise. I had to take a hard look though and realize this is probably what it was like for her when I was the one going through all the mess! So that helped me get back to a point of understanding and being the much-needed listening ear for her. I mean, thankfully, I have other people to talk to about the day-to-day stuff, even when it's kinda major!
Speaking of major... I learned last week that a very good friend of mine found out he was HIV positive. It's my friend Cody...who I talk to daily...and who I also was involved with right after I moved in 2007 (but a while before Dante came on the physical scene). So naturally when he shared this with me, I was in a state of panic, because I couldn't remember the last time I had a test done! I know that he had to get tested every 6 months to be able to participate in this minor league wrestling organization. I knew that for all of 2008 and all of 2007 he was negative. Deep down, I knew that I was probably safe. But still...you know?
I called Wayne and totally freaked out. I didn't want to call the BFF while she was at a client on-site. I didn't want to bother Dante with my neurotics while he was working either. The plan was to go get tested the next day, but I wasn't looking forward to the waiting process. Then I found out from Cody about this thing called OraQuick, that has test results in 20 minutes. I found a place in St. Louis that did it for free and planned to go the next day. But, there were the snow days that kept the kids home for 2 days straight, so I had to wait til Thursday. I am negative, which by testing day I was no longer worried that I was anything but negative. So, since then I have been trying to help him deal with it. He told his girlfriend of almost a year on Friday, she tested negative that day, but she also told him that she is cutting off all contact with him. They have been up and down, back and forth for quite a while now. So it's not a big surprise to either of us that it ended this way. That doesn't make it hurt less though.
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February 1, 2009
January 28, 2009
The Weekly Update
You know what's weird? When I have a lot on my mind, I tend to blog less! Isn't that interesting?
Everything has been going well for me. Just came off 2 days at home with 6 children due to snow days. Yes, it actually looks like it's winter now here in my neck of the woods! So they go to school tomorrow, then they have a scheduled day on Friday! Lucky me!!!!!
Meanwhile I added something new to my business. Concierge service! Am I not so perfect for that? That's what I thought too! I made up some nice flyers on Monday with the intent of copying them and distributing them in some well-off subdivisions on Tuesday. Then the snow and sleet came. And it kept coming until this morning!! So, now the plan is tomorrow...hopefully. It's gonna be cold and there will be a lot of snow to contend with, but I have to get while the gettin's good!
Kids did get to go out play in the snow for a while today. Because it was so cold, I set the egg timer for 20 minutes. Champagne was fine the first 5-10 minutes, but then her highness realized that snow is cold...and came in the house!! lol Starr only found one glove, but I told her stay out there and have her fun, since they had been bugging me for 2 days! DJ was his usual mellow self, but he was glad to go out. Bruzer was...well....Bruzer as usual. He was throwing snowballs, bellyflopping into the snow, running around the yard! He was in snow heaven all the way!! I took pictures of each of them so that whenever I make their individual photo albums, they'll have a pic of themselves in it.
Things are good with Dante and me. Nothing major or minor to report in actuality. Daily conversations and texts ans all that good stuff still occurs. I am getting back to that attitude of 'why would he want anyone but me?', cuz that's really how I feel. I know I'm not perfect (as noone is), but I'm a damn good woman. The men that had me were lucky and those that lost me were foolish! It's not the ideal situation he had in mind I'm sure - me with 4 children already. But you know what? I bet getting divorced or not having any children by age 37 wasn't in the plans either! So you know what? We learn to work with what we have been given, because honestly the result is usually that God knew what was better for us all along! I am the best kind of woman. I am the kind you can take to any function with complete confidence - family, work, hanging with friends! I am definitely the kind you want in your bedroom at night! AND, I love being the kind that's in the kitchen too!??! The things that aren't so good, I'm working on improving because I already see the problem. That's as close as hitting the lotto as you can get, isn't it?
Just had to toot my own horn there a bit. Something I neglected for a few too many years, and I have to get back to. Honestly, we should all do it a little more. We are so hard on ourselves.
Something really big happened yesterday, that has me questioning my own mortality and past choices. When I know for sure that all is well, I will be able to share. Right now, I am not panicking like I was yesterday (Wayne talked me off that ledge) because I know more info and believe that I am not under any risk. But, there's still that 'what if' part of you that you have to work through on your own. That's where I am now. But, it will all be ok soon.
Just you wait and see.
Today's Love Tip:
Leave a voicemail on your partner's work or mobile phone that says:
"Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you."
This will be appreciated especially on those really rough days.
Everything has been going well for me. Just came off 2 days at home with 6 children due to snow days. Yes, it actually looks like it's winter now here in my neck of the woods! So they go to school tomorrow, then they have a scheduled day on Friday! Lucky me!!!!!
Meanwhile I added something new to my business. Concierge service! Am I not so perfect for that? That's what I thought too! I made up some nice flyers on Monday with the intent of copying them and distributing them in some well-off subdivisions on Tuesday. Then the snow and sleet came. And it kept coming until this morning!! So, now the plan is tomorrow...hopefully. It's gonna be cold and there will be a lot of snow to contend with, but I have to get while the gettin's good!
Kids did get to go out play in the snow for a while today. Because it was so cold, I set the egg timer for 20 minutes. Champagne was fine the first 5-10 minutes, but then her highness realized that snow is cold...and came in the house!! lol Starr only found one glove, but I told her stay out there and have her fun, since they had been bugging me for 2 days! DJ was his usual mellow self, but he was glad to go out. Bruzer was...well....Bruzer as usual. He was throwing snowballs, bellyflopping into the snow, running around the yard! He was in snow heaven all the way!! I took pictures of each of them so that whenever I make their individual photo albums, they'll have a pic of themselves in it.
Things are good with Dante and me. Nothing major or minor to report in actuality. Daily conversations and texts ans all that good stuff still occurs. I am getting back to that attitude of 'why would he want anyone but me?', cuz that's really how I feel. I know I'm not perfect (as noone is), but I'm a damn good woman. The men that had me were lucky and those that lost me were foolish! It's not the ideal situation he had in mind I'm sure - me with 4 children already. But you know what? I bet getting divorced or not having any children by age 37 wasn't in the plans either! So you know what? We learn to work with what we have been given, because honestly the result is usually that God knew what was better for us all along! I am the best kind of woman. I am the kind you can take to any function with complete confidence - family, work, hanging with friends! I am definitely the kind you want in your bedroom at night! AND, I love being the kind that's in the kitchen too!??! The things that aren't so good, I'm working on improving because I already see the problem. That's as close as hitting the lotto as you can get, isn't it?
Just had to toot my own horn there a bit. Something I neglected for a few too many years, and I have to get back to. Honestly, we should all do it a little more. We are so hard on ourselves.
Something really big happened yesterday, that has me questioning my own mortality and past choices. When I know for sure that all is well, I will be able to share. Right now, I am not panicking like I was yesterday (Wayne talked me off that ledge) because I know more info and believe that I am not under any risk. But, there's still that 'what if' part of you that you have to work through on your own. That's where I am now. But, it will all be ok soon.
Just you wait and see.
Today's Love Tip:
Leave a voicemail on your partner's work or mobile phone that says:
"Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you."
This will be appreciated especially on those really rough days.
January 21, 2009
Big Changes
Firstly, my contract with the elance company fell through! They changed their mind due to the economic situation. I was pretty bummed about it for a minute, but I am recouping.
Me and the kids went to Memphis this past weekend and invaded Dante's one-bedroom apartment. We left on Friday evening and didn't leave until Monday evening. How nice when you are not on someone else's time?? :-) It was a good weekend, and we even got to see the Lorraine Motel on Sunday (where Dr. King was murdered). I think he enjoyed the time with the kids too. It's the first time he has really got to spend such close time with them. I mean, I have great kids anyway, no temper-tantrum throwing brats in my brood...and they're really cute too!!! I ended up with a headache Saturday night after we got back from the drive-in, and was in bed by 10p. So that left him with the kids until they went to bed! He's awesome with kids, and I feel we have the same theories regarding child-rearing (for the most part), so I wasn't worried.
A couple things bothered me during the trip, and I eventually shared them with him the morning I got back here. He answered every issue I brought up to him, as I knew he would. Every issue had a good answer/perfectly logical solution...and I expected nothing less. Does that completely quell the intuition? Mostly, but a little part of me will still wonder. I mean, I know he and think alike, so I know that I would have had great answers as well. I do not feel that I have a reason not to trust him, and so I do. I trust that he won't put my health at risk. If there is someone warming his bed occasionally, they are protected. I trust that he won't blindside me and break my heart. If he gets involved with someone he cares for more than me (can't imagine, cuz how does it get more fabulous than me??), he will tell me before things get out of hand. I trust that he loves me like he has more freely began to express. I look into his eyes, I feel it when he holds me, I know it's there. This is where I choose to be. With him.
I do still have some issues reservations, yes. I can't say when those things may go away anytime soon. Some of it has to do with me and past situations. However, some of it also has to do with his actions too. There are things that he can do to reassure me that "I'm the only one." (his words) I may have mentioned this before, but I still sometimes feel like I am his little secret...or lately like I am an unknowing participant on a season of The Bachelor. Time will tell, and I will continue to love him. Fine, call me a fool if you want. With the b.s. that the BFF just dealt with with this serpent in Louisville, I could let that affect how I feel about Dante. They are completely different, in almost every sense of the word, so no contest! Sometime the hardest thing to do is make a decision.
I made mine. I am aware of the possible consequences, good and bad. I accept that and stand by my decision 100%. There, I said it!
p.s. Did I mention the insane amount of sex we had this weekend??!! Whew!! (yes, even in a 1BR apartment with 4 children present! SO I don't want to hear that BS from couples talking about they have no time because of the children)
Me and the kids went to Memphis this past weekend and invaded Dante's one-bedroom apartment. We left on Friday evening and didn't leave until Monday evening. How nice when you are not on someone else's time?? :-) It was a good weekend, and we even got to see the Lorraine Motel on Sunday (where Dr. King was murdered). I think he enjoyed the time with the kids too. It's the first time he has really got to spend such close time with them. I mean, I have great kids anyway, no temper-tantrum throwing brats in my brood...and they're really cute too!!! I ended up with a headache Saturday night after we got back from the drive-in, and was in bed by 10p. So that left him with the kids until they went to bed! He's awesome with kids, and I feel we have the same theories regarding child-rearing (for the most part), so I wasn't worried.
A couple things bothered me during the trip, and I eventually shared them with him the morning I got back here. He answered every issue I brought up to him, as I knew he would. Every issue had a good answer/perfectly logical solution...and I expected nothing less. Does that completely quell the intuition? Mostly, but a little part of me will still wonder. I mean, I know he and think alike, so I know that I would have had great answers as well. I do not feel that I have a reason not to trust him, and so I do. I trust that he won't put my health at risk. If there is someone warming his bed occasionally, they are protected. I trust that he won't blindside me and break my heart. If he gets involved with someone he cares for more than me (can't imagine, cuz how does it get more fabulous than me??), he will tell me before things get out of hand. I trust that he loves me like he has more freely began to express. I look into his eyes, I feel it when he holds me, I know it's there. This is where I choose to be. With him.
I do still have some issues reservations, yes. I can't say when those things may go away anytime soon. Some of it has to do with me and past situations. However, some of it also has to do with his actions too. There are things that he can do to reassure me that "I'm the only one." (his words) I may have mentioned this before, but I still sometimes feel like I am his little secret...or lately like I am an unknowing participant on a season of The Bachelor. Time will tell, and I will continue to love him. Fine, call me a fool if you want. With the b.s. that the BFF just dealt with with this serpent in Louisville, I could let that affect how I feel about Dante. They are completely different, in almost every sense of the word, so no contest! Sometime the hardest thing to do is make a decision.
I made mine. I am aware of the possible consequences, good and bad. I accept that and stand by my decision 100%. There, I said it!
p.s. Did I mention the insane amount of sex we had this weekend??!! Whew!! (yes, even in a 1BR apartment with 4 children present! SO I don't want to hear that BS from couples talking about they have no time because of the children)
January 14, 2009
Things are Moving Forward
So a few months ago, I signed up for elance.com and, within a few short weeks realized there's no real way for US-based companies to make money on there. Why? Well, it is a global marketplace and so places like India can bid for projects too. Look, everyone is budget conscious these days, and I get that. BUT, how are we in the US supposed to accurately complete with companies that can charge a fifth of what we would??!! So needless to say, my love affair with elance ended quickly after that.
I received an email from a company which I placed a bid for who told me they wanted me to start the project in December. Well, the month came and went and I didn't hear anything, so I counted it as a wash. Well, on Sunday I got official word from elance that my bid was accepted by that company! I checked my elance account and it gave me a phone number and extension to call. I replied that I would call on Tuesday at a certain time. No answer, but I left a message then sent an email later. I also replied through the elance system again, but I noticed they hadn't logged in since they accepted the bid on Sunday. I did some digging before I bid, and this is actually a reputable company that's been around for quite a while. So on that note, I am not worried...I'm pretty excited!
It has given me that little confidence boost to know that it can happen. On top of everything else, I really want my travel business to flourish. I really truly do. That's what's in my heart and God has never failed to give me the desire of my heart. I am still reading Your Best Life Now and loving every word of it! It is only serving to reinforce all that I fed myself in 2008. This is my spiritually-based 2009 kickstart!! I can have anything I want; I can do anything I want; I can be anything I want! God has no limits! The only thing stopping me...........is ME!!
Your Love Tip:
Leave a long-stemmed rose somewhere you know your partner will find it with a note that says:
'Thank you for coming into my life.'
I received an email from a company which I placed a bid for who told me they wanted me to start the project in December. Well, the month came and went and I didn't hear anything, so I counted it as a wash. Well, on Sunday I got official word from elance that my bid was accepted by that company! I checked my elance account and it gave me a phone number and extension to call. I replied that I would call on Tuesday at a certain time. No answer, but I left a message then sent an email later. I also replied through the elance system again, but I noticed they hadn't logged in since they accepted the bid on Sunday. I did some digging before I bid, and this is actually a reputable company that's been around for quite a while. So on that note, I am not worried...I'm pretty excited!
It has given me that little confidence boost to know that it can happen. On top of everything else, I really want my travel business to flourish. I really truly do. That's what's in my heart and God has never failed to give me the desire of my heart. I am still reading Your Best Life Now and loving every word of it! It is only serving to reinforce all that I fed myself in 2008. This is my spiritually-based 2009 kickstart!! I can have anything I want; I can do anything I want; I can be anything I want! God has no limits! The only thing stopping me...........is ME!!
Your Love Tip:
Leave a long-stemmed rose somewhere you know your partner will find it with a note that says:
'Thank you for coming into my life.'
January 12, 2009
Happy Monday!!
It's 8 days before the inauguration of the 44th President of the United States, Mr. Barack Obama.
Let me just say this as uncooth and politically incorrect as possible: I believe that this man has a fair chance at doing an excellent job running this country! I don't give a rat's ass about how little experience he has!! George W. Bush went straight from no political office to governor of Texas...to the White House! Look how well that catastrophe walking turned out!!!! One of the reasons I was so excited about Mr. Obama is that he hasn't been "tainted" by the quid pro quo bullshit in politics! And as far as the absolute morons who keep claiming Obama is the anti-christ:
Let me just say this as uncooth and politically incorrect as possible: I believe that this man has a fair chance at doing an excellent job running this country! I don't give a rat's ass about how little experience he has!! George W. Bush went straight from no political office to governor of Texas...to the White House! Look how well that catastrophe walking turned out!!!! One of the reasons I was so excited about Mr. Obama is that he hasn't been "tainted" by the quid pro quo bullshit in politics! And as far as the absolute morons who keep claiming Obama is the anti-christ:
GET A LIFE!! IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE DIRECTION THINGS ARE HEADED, EITHER MOVE TO CANADA OR MEXICO...OR SEND YOURSELF TO HEAVEN NOW!!! (that is, IF you're really going there)
Okay, now that that's off my chest, I feel much better! If I offended anyone...toughen up!!! Life is not for the weak at heart!!!!
In other news:
I am getting uber-excited about our trip to Memphis this weekend...me and the kids that is! This upcoming weekend is Martin Luther King Jr Memorial Holiday, so what better time than a 3day weekend to go? And, by taking my bunch with me...I completely bypass the whole issue of babysitting! Plus, they missed out on any road trips this summer due to mommy's financial status. They are totally excited about it too. All I need is gas money there and back basically. I know how to travel cheap! I can cook meals and we can drive around and sightsee and little bit for free. Then later, when it's warmer, I can take them back there with more money and really make a time of it.
Yes, yes...I am excited about seeing my punkin again. I got spoiled when he was home for a week and a half! I basically saw him everyday! I LOVED IT!!! To think this way, I will have 3 nights to sleep with him and wake up to him...heaven!!!
Alright, time for dinner...but I will have a fabulous update for you Wednesday!
edited to add:
Your Romance Tip:
Buy a small cardboard gift box , a sheet of colored tissue paper, massage oil, and a blank card.
Line the box with the paper, place the oil in the box and write this on the card:
I know a great masseur.
For an appointment anytime, call:
(Your Phone Number goes here)
In other news:
I am getting uber-excited about our trip to Memphis this weekend...me and the kids that is! This upcoming weekend is Martin Luther King Jr Memorial Holiday, so what better time than a 3day weekend to go? And, by taking my bunch with me...I completely bypass the whole issue of babysitting! Plus, they missed out on any road trips this summer due to mommy's financial status. They are totally excited about it too. All I need is gas money there and back basically. I know how to travel cheap! I can cook meals and we can drive around and sightsee and little bit for free. Then later, when it's warmer, I can take them back there with more money and really make a time of it.
Yes, yes...I am excited about seeing my punkin again. I got spoiled when he was home for a week and a half! I basically saw him everyday! I LOVED IT!!! To think this way, I will have 3 nights to sleep with him and wake up to him...heaven!!!
Alright, time for dinner...but I will have a fabulous update for you Wednesday!
edited to add:
Your Romance Tip:
Buy a small cardboard gift box , a sheet of colored tissue paper, massage oil, and a blank card.
Line the box with the paper, place the oil in the box and write this on the card:
I know a great masseur.
For an appointment anytime, call:
(Your Phone Number goes here)
January 9, 2009
FFM (family financial meeting) is in Session
So my sisters and mom and I decided we need to start back having our financial meetings again. These are meetings where we lay it out on the table, no secrets, no money-is-taboo attitudes, nothing holding us back from being real with each other about money. This past year, I have done so much better at being transparent in so many areas. I am glad we are doing this again...especially for the next generation. As I said tonight to my 16 year old niece (in front of my mother): "We want to pass on this financial knowledge to you now, because it wasn't told to us by our mother - but not because she didn't want us to know...but because she didn't know."
We want our children to be better equipped to handle things financially than we ever were. I want them to know the importance of credit. I want them to know how important it is to start off with good credit...as opposed to repairing bad credit!! We all warned her of the college credit card trap. Credit card companies literally throw cards at college students (knowing they have no income to pay them back) who are not truly aware that this isn't "free money" and they'll have to pay this back. So by the time they graduate college, along with possible student loans to contend with, they already have not-so-perfect credit due to poor revolving credit accounts.
Yes, you're right. That should be illegal.
I am in the process of repairing my credit. Having good credit was never a big deal to me, because I was never taught that it should be a big deal to me. I learned from my mother (mostly by actions) that I was just supposed to struggle and expect to pay high interest rates for stuff. It was just ... accepted as the norm!
Now do you see what I mean when I say changing mindsets and completely redoing my previous ways of thinking??? When I talked to my family at the meeting tonight about "my truck" and that the sticker price for the 2008 was about $59K before rebates, they could barely understand that concept! They want to be happy with just making do; keeping the bills paid, while having a savings, and occasionally splurging on a few extras. For the longest time I thought I was the wrong one for wanting more than that!! But, as the newest book I began reading (as well as numerous others in the past couple of years) by Joel Osteen titled Your Best Life Now reminded me: God wants to give us His very best, not a little...but in abundance!!!
On that note, today I went on a vision quest. I went to actually sit in "my truck" today at the dealership. I even started it up. OMG, it is so fabulous! I cannot wait to have that thing!!! It has a touchscreen navigation system, in the dash!! It has a power sunroof, power liftgate and glass in the back, a rear "backup" camera, factory remote starter, etc etc etc. It's literally everything I wanted and more!! 2010 can't come soon enough!!!
House first, then Denali XL. House first, then Denali XL. House first, then Denali XL. However...
...I did see a 2004 there for only $16,995.....
Joking!!!
Here's today's LOVE tip:
Research your partner's favorite hobby and identify a gift that is really useful for him/her. The more specialized the gift the more impact it will have on them. Talk to friends and family and use the internet to find the information you need.
p.s. I requested my operative notes from my tubal ligation surgery from the hospital today. That means I can find out exactly which procedure was done and how much (if any) of the tube was removed. That's very important for "my doctor" to know!! Yet another step in the right direction!!
We want our children to be better equipped to handle things financially than we ever were. I want them to know the importance of credit. I want them to know how important it is to start off with good credit...as opposed to repairing bad credit!! We all warned her of the college credit card trap. Credit card companies literally throw cards at college students (knowing they have no income to pay them back) who are not truly aware that this isn't "free money" and they'll have to pay this back. So by the time they graduate college, along with possible student loans to contend with, they already have not-so-perfect credit due to poor revolving credit accounts.
Yes, you're right. That should be illegal.
I am in the process of repairing my credit. Having good credit was never a big deal to me, because I was never taught that it should be a big deal to me. I learned from my mother (mostly by actions) that I was just supposed to struggle and expect to pay high interest rates for stuff. It was just ... accepted as the norm!
Now do you see what I mean when I say changing mindsets and completely redoing my previous ways of thinking??? When I talked to my family at the meeting tonight about "my truck" and that the sticker price for the 2008 was about $59K before rebates, they could barely understand that concept! They want to be happy with just making do; keeping the bills paid, while having a savings, and occasionally splurging on a few extras. For the longest time I thought I was the wrong one for wanting more than that!! But, as the newest book I began reading (as well as numerous others in the past couple of years) by Joel Osteen titled Your Best Life Now reminded me: God wants to give us His very best, not a little...but in abundance!!!
On that note, today I went on a vision quest. I went to actually sit in "my truck" today at the dealership. I even started it up. OMG, it is so fabulous! I cannot wait to have that thing!!! It has a touchscreen navigation system, in the dash!! It has a power sunroof, power liftgate and glass in the back, a rear "backup" camera, factory remote starter, etc etc etc. It's literally everything I wanted and more!! 2010 can't come soon enough!!!
House first, then Denali XL. House first, then Denali XL. House first, then Denali XL. However...
...I did see a 2004 there for only $16,995.....
Joking!!!
Here's today's LOVE tip:
Research your partner's favorite hobby and identify a gift that is really useful for him/her. The more specialized the gift the more impact it will have on them. Talk to friends and family and use the internet to find the information you need.
p.s. I requested my operative notes from my tubal ligation surgery from the hospital today. That means I can find out exactly which procedure was done and how much (if any) of the tube was removed. That's very important for "my doctor" to know!! Yet another step in the right direction!!
January 8, 2009
Sleep Deprived...without a newborn
I could keel over right now into a coma. No really, I could! Why? I was up reading until 348am, that's why???
It was book by AA author Omar Tyree, that Dante gave to me to read a few months ago now. Unfortunately when he gave it to me, I was only reading self-improvement nonfiction books. I tried to start reading it, but it just didn't keep my attention in the beginning. So, on my headboard it sat for several weeks..just under my Women's Bible and close enough so I could look at it and think of my sweetie. The shift came when I read 3 books by Karen Kingsbury (who I now love), which were all fiction novels. So I decided to go ahead and finish this book called Leslie that he gave me so long ago. The other day when I picked it up, I read about 80 pages in one sitting. Then I decided to go ahead and finish it last night.
Well, the problem came when I was lying on the bed reading with my back to the clock, and before I knew it it was 2am. I had less than a hundred pages to go and I was completely engulfed in the story line by then, so I decided 'What the heck?' and went for it!! When I looked at the clock when I was done, I was astonished. And so that he would believe me, I sent Dante a text message when I was done so he would know what time I finished too!!
The good news is that I did not allow myself to take a nap today. As a matter of fact, I wasn't home most of the day anyway. I worked on my business plan for a little while on the computer and drank coffee (my 2nd cup), then left to get stuff taken care of. I found out the status of my medical case, and it is still pending completion. Then I found my guy that manages the tire shop I have been trying to find. He went to a different store, though he said he is there for good now. So, I got 2 tires for $69 including tax! I still have to get 2 more on my next payday, plus he's holding a new wheel for me to use as a spare. That sure beats the $75 per tire estimate from Meineke!
Done for today! Here's the LOVE tip:
Share your food with your partner. When you go out for a meal, hold a forkful up to his/her mouth and say, "You've got to try this."
Sharing your food and even feeding each other is a great way to become closer as a couple.
It was book by AA author Omar Tyree, that Dante gave to me to read a few months ago now. Unfortunately when he gave it to me, I was only reading self-improvement nonfiction books. I tried to start reading it, but it just didn't keep my attention in the beginning. So, on my headboard it sat for several weeks..just under my Women's Bible and close enough so I could look at it and think of my sweetie. The shift came when I read 3 books by Karen Kingsbury (who I now love), which were all fiction novels. So I decided to go ahead and finish this book called Leslie that he gave me so long ago. The other day when I picked it up, I read about 80 pages in one sitting. Then I decided to go ahead and finish it last night.
Well, the problem came when I was lying on the bed reading with my back to the clock, and before I knew it it was 2am. I had less than a hundred pages to go and I was completely engulfed in the story line by then, so I decided 'What the heck?' and went for it!! When I looked at the clock when I was done, I was astonished. And so that he would believe me, I sent Dante a text message when I was done so he would know what time I finished too!!
The good news is that I did not allow myself to take a nap today. As a matter of fact, I wasn't home most of the day anyway. I worked on my business plan for a little while on the computer and drank coffee (my 2nd cup), then left to get stuff taken care of. I found out the status of my medical case, and it is still pending completion. Then I found my guy that manages the tire shop I have been trying to find. He went to a different store, though he said he is there for good now. So, I got 2 tires for $69 including tax! I still have to get 2 more on my next payday, plus he's holding a new wheel for me to use as a spare. That sure beats the $75 per tire estimate from Meineke!
Done for today! Here's the LOVE tip:
Share your food with your partner. When you go out for a meal, hold a forkful up to his/her mouth and say, "You've got to try this."
Sharing your food and even feeding each other is a great way to become closer as a couple.
January 6, 2009
I'm Already Planning A Road Trip!
Yes, I really am! Dante and I have already talked about possibly coming down MLK weekend. If I do, I think I'll just bring the kids this trip. That way, if I want to leave Friday evening or Saturday morning and come back Monday afternoon, I am on noone's time schedule but my own!
We were able to do something a little special while he was here. I called it a late Christmas present for him! He told me he was on his way over, and so I got in a mood! I jumped in the shower, then made the bed fresh and lit candles on the headboard. I had a glass of wine already, and some music playing, so that by the time he got there, I was good and ready. I think he had just planned to come in and watch some movies as we had been doing, and maybe get a little frisky before we fell asleep. I thought about not wanting him to feel that he was always the initiator (men HATE that), so I made sure this would not be the case tonight!
The special part was something that had been on his 'fantasy list' that in all this time he hadn't done yet. Don't act lost, you know you have a fantasy list of stuff you wanna do! No, no, no. Not a 'Bucket List', a fantasy list. Riiiight! Now you've got the picture!!! I will give no such details as to what that was, but I will say we had a fabulous time...and are both looking forward to doing it again!! I'm already thinking that I want us to go to this pool-in-the-room luxury suites property for our birthday in November, if we can wait that long!
Speaking of romance, since V-Day is coming up next month I decided to share a romantic tip with you everyime I blog! Here's one for today:
Create Love Coupons That Your Partner Can Exchange for Romantic Favors.
For example you could have a coupon that reads:
This coupon entitles the bearer to:
One Foot Massage
Use By 02/14/2040 (use a future date to suggest you two will always be together)
We were able to do something a little special while he was here. I called it a late Christmas present for him! He told me he was on his way over, and so I got in a mood! I jumped in the shower, then made the bed fresh and lit candles on the headboard. I had a glass of wine already, and some music playing, so that by the time he got there, I was good and ready. I think he had just planned to come in and watch some movies as we had been doing, and maybe get a little frisky before we fell asleep. I thought about not wanting him to feel that he was always the initiator (men HATE that), so I made sure this would not be the case tonight!
The special part was something that had been on his 'fantasy list' that in all this time he hadn't done yet. Don't act lost, you know you have a fantasy list of stuff you wanna do! No, no, no. Not a 'Bucket List', a fantasy list. Riiiight! Now you've got the picture!!! I will give no such details as to what that was, but I will say we had a fabulous time...and are both looking forward to doing it again!! I'm already thinking that I want us to go to this pool-in-the-room luxury suites property for our birthday in November, if we can wait that long!
Speaking of romance, since V-Day is coming up next month I decided to share a romantic tip with you everyime I blog! Here's one for today:
Create Love Coupons That Your Partner Can Exchange for Romantic Favors.
For example you could have a coupon that reads:
This coupon entitles the bearer to:
One Foot Massage
Use By 02/14/2040 (use a future date to suggest you two will always be together)
Back To School...and to Reality For Me
SO the kids got to go back to school for one day before ice overnight shut down all the schools in the are today! So, here I was looking forward to being by myself again during the day. NOT!!!!! I made it through today just fine though, I got things done that I wanted to for the most part. The kids got to play a long while then clean up, then watched The Dark Knight while I worked on the computer and baked Chocolate Almond Brownies. Not quite "from scratch", since I tend to be more of a "semi-homemade" kinda girl! :-)
Tomorrow is the BFF's birthday, and she is travelling to San Francisco this evening. I sent her an e-card that she should get when she lands...if she turns her computer on that is! Otherwise, it will be the morning. She's doing okay lately. The guy is (I hope) really trying to make himself better. The things she tells me are completely different in tone from the things he said before when he was scamming and lying and stuff. I figure if God really did put them together, then it doesn't have to make sense to us mere mortals! I just want her truly happy in a productive relationship.
I have been good the past day and a half from going on the 'baby doctor' website. I really wanna figure out how to get the money for it, while paying off all my other bills too! I even told Wayne that I was taking donations for my cause...to which he laughed of course! He told me his very recent ex-wife (from hell) told him she wants to have one more baby, and since he is the father of her other 2 kids she wants him to father this one too!! Poor thing, she was actually serious, which is scary all in itself. So that's when he had to let her know that he got 'fixed' earlier this year. He said she broke down and cried right there! Wow! As a woman, I can understand her frustration and hurt..but since I don't really like her, oh well!
Yes, you're right. I can be a bit mean sometimes!
Tomorrow I will finish working on my business plan. I decided to choose the software that I bought instead of the book I was using. Then when I get a few bucks, I need to get the Montana checked out so I can get to driving across the water when I need to get things done. Oh yes, don't think I don't know this is the enemy right now. I am well aware of it. Now that I am ready to go to the Women's Business Center in St. Louis, and to networking events all around the metro area, my car starts acting up!! Stumbling blocks are just stepping stones, that's all!!
There is a women's networking event I want to go to on the 23rd, and of course at this moment cost is a factor. But, I will find a way around that. Quick fast and in a hurry! You just wait! Anything that I want bad enough, I will always make it happen!!
Tomorrow is the BFF's birthday, and she is travelling to San Francisco this evening. I sent her an e-card that she should get when she lands...if she turns her computer on that is! Otherwise, it will be the morning. She's doing okay lately. The guy is (I hope) really trying to make himself better. The things she tells me are completely different in tone from the things he said before when he was scamming and lying and stuff. I figure if God really did put them together, then it doesn't have to make sense to us mere mortals! I just want her truly happy in a productive relationship.
I have been good the past day and a half from going on the 'baby doctor' website. I really wanna figure out how to get the money for it, while paying off all my other bills too! I even told Wayne that I was taking donations for my cause...to which he laughed of course! He told me his very recent ex-wife (from hell) told him she wants to have one more baby, and since he is the father of her other 2 kids she wants him to father this one too!! Poor thing, she was actually serious, which is scary all in itself. So that's when he had to let her know that he got 'fixed' earlier this year. He said she broke down and cried right there! Wow! As a woman, I can understand her frustration and hurt..but since I don't really like her, oh well!
Yes, you're right. I can be a bit mean sometimes!
Tomorrow I will finish working on my business plan. I decided to choose the software that I bought instead of the book I was using. Then when I get a few bucks, I need to get the Montana checked out so I can get to driving across the water when I need to get things done. Oh yes, don't think I don't know this is the enemy right now. I am well aware of it. Now that I am ready to go to the Women's Business Center in St. Louis, and to networking events all around the metro area, my car starts acting up!! Stumbling blocks are just stepping stones, that's all!!
There is a women's networking event I want to go to on the 23rd, and of course at this moment cost is a factor. But, I will find a way around that. Quick fast and in a hurry! You just wait! Anything that I want bad enough, I will always make it happen!!
January 4, 2009
A Great Christmas Break!
Well, this was the first time I can remember in a while of being home with the children during the entire winter break from school. On top of that, I had two extras here with me during the day!! They are all - for the most part- self manageable. They can dress themselves and make their own breakfast and lunches, so all was well. I didn't rag on mine children too much about chores, though they were not excused from doing them either. Once during Starr's week and once during DJ's week, I did the dishes for them. But other than that, everything else was all on them. I told Starr's dad that I want her to have a Nintendo DS for Christmas. DJ got one last year, and this year both the older nieces got one for Christmas. He said he will, but he also said he would get her a bike....and we know who got that for her!!!
Dante left to go back to Memphis earlier today. But not without me sending him off in grand style...thanks to Aunt Flo having packed her bags and left!!! I really would have been sick if he hadn't been able to physically connect that way before he left. It's just important to me, I take my job seriously!! I did the grocery shopping on Saturday, and we loaded it into the truck before he hit the highway. What I was so happy about, was he came over and got undressed and comfortable in the bed, then we watched a movie! Okay, okay...we watched some of the movie! I just didn't expect to get such unhurried time before he hit the road. No complaints!! Plus, I think I showed my gratitude pretty well. (grinning from ear-to-ear)
Tomorrow, school begins again for all the children! Yes, even Bruzer will be going back to his daycare tomorrow. I've been souping him up for it all break. I think he'll do okay, it's not like it's a new school where he has to make new friends or something. One of the main reasons I put him back into full-time schooling is because I need to get my time back so I can make things happen for myself. Noone is going to do it for me, and how attractive am I unemployed exactly??? Yeah, not a good look on me!!
My project for tomorrow is credit report and bill planning. I found this site called annual credit report.com, where you can get a copy of each of the 3 bureaus report for FREE once each year. They will charge extra for that much-coveted credit score, but all the information without the score is free. I need to see what is there, what can be paid within the next month, what I can perhaps strike a deal on. By March or April, I want to see major changes on that report. Getting so many things paid, should get me closer to 600 I am praying. I am also waiting on The Officer to get the number of the financial guy she used for her mortgage, so we can meet and I can get info on how to start the process. I want him to look at my credit reports as the expert, and tell me what need to be done and why (ie, what's the benefit to get to my goal)...and also to help me determine what records I need to keep when it comes time for income verification, since I am self-employed. I don't plan on it being 2010 when I buy a house, so I can't wait til I file 2009 taxes to provide that.
I need to line up my ducks now for when the money comes in that I am expecting, so I can pay things off, pay up rent and utilities, and focus on my client acquisition phase. Don't you worry, it's there right in front of me. I am no longer afraid to go and get it! I am not afraid of the 5br house I will have in the next 5 years, when my family may still be living in much meeker terms. I am not afraid of the Yukon XL Denali I will be driving in the next 2 years. I am not afraid of never being the borrower in my family again, to be the one to lend if necessary. I do not owe anyone aything, and the world owes me nothing! I do not have to self-sabotage myself into a meager existence out of some bass ackwards feeling of indebtedness to people who have never made me feel that way.
Off my soapbox now, my bad! Tuesday I will finish the parts of my business plan that I can complete, and hopefully by the end of the week I can go to the SBDC for help with market research and the like. 2007, I was waiting in the winding line for this ride. 2008, I was slowly making my way up the big hill, inching along in anticipation of what lies ahead. 2009, I am at the top of that hill...and this ride is ready to go forward at full speed ahead! I'm strapped in for mine!
How's your ride going?
Dante left to go back to Memphis earlier today. But not without me sending him off in grand style...thanks to Aunt Flo having packed her bags and left!!! I really would have been sick if he hadn't been able to physically connect that way before he left. It's just important to me, I take my job seriously!! I did the grocery shopping on Saturday, and we loaded it into the truck before he hit the highway. What I was so happy about, was he came over and got undressed and comfortable in the bed, then we watched a movie! Okay, okay...we watched some of the movie! I just didn't expect to get such unhurried time before he hit the road. No complaints!! Plus, I think I showed my gratitude pretty well. (grinning from ear-to-ear)
Tomorrow, school begins again for all the children! Yes, even Bruzer will be going back to his daycare tomorrow. I've been souping him up for it all break. I think he'll do okay, it's not like it's a new school where he has to make new friends or something. One of the main reasons I put him back into full-time schooling is because I need to get my time back so I can make things happen for myself. Noone is going to do it for me, and how attractive am I unemployed exactly??? Yeah, not a good look on me!!
My project for tomorrow is credit report and bill planning. I found this site called annual credit report.com, where you can get a copy of each of the 3 bureaus report for FREE once each year. They will charge extra for that much-coveted credit score, but all the information without the score is free. I need to see what is there, what can be paid within the next month, what I can perhaps strike a deal on. By March or April, I want to see major changes on that report. Getting so many things paid, should get me closer to 600 I am praying. I am also waiting on The Officer to get the number of the financial guy she used for her mortgage, so we can meet and I can get info on how to start the process. I want him to look at my credit reports as the expert, and tell me what need to be done and why (ie, what's the benefit to get to my goal)...and also to help me determine what records I need to keep when it comes time for income verification, since I am self-employed. I don't plan on it being 2010 when I buy a house, so I can't wait til I file 2009 taxes to provide that.
I need to line up my ducks now for when the money comes in that I am expecting, so I can pay things off, pay up rent and utilities, and focus on my client acquisition phase. Don't you worry, it's there right in front of me. I am no longer afraid to go and get it! I am not afraid of the 5br house I will have in the next 5 years, when my family may still be living in much meeker terms. I am not afraid of the Yukon XL Denali I will be driving in the next 2 years. I am not afraid of never being the borrower in my family again, to be the one to lend if necessary. I do not owe anyone aything, and the world owes me nothing! I do not have to self-sabotage myself into a meager existence out of some bass ackwards feeling of indebtedness to people who have never made me feel that way.
Off my soapbox now, my bad! Tuesday I will finish the parts of my business plan that I can complete, and hopefully by the end of the week I can go to the SBDC for help with market research and the like. 2007, I was waiting in the winding line for this ride. 2008, I was slowly making my way up the big hill, inching along in anticipation of what lies ahead. 2009, I am at the top of that hill...and this ride is ready to go forward at full speed ahead! I'm strapped in for mine!
How's your ride going?
January 3, 2009
Date Night!
So last night, Dante and I had a date night. After our talk on Thursday, I had a glimmer of hope that we would be okay. So I asked him by text on Friday morning if he had seen Twilight yet, to which he replied no. So I asked him to go with me. Kween's youngest daughter was recruited to babysit, and I picked up her up from her volunteer job. He wanted to go the earlier showing, which was at a theatre about 20min away from me. I agreed and he decided to meet me there since his mom's house was north (I think) from there. I bought the tickets - cause I asked, and that's the rule in my world...you ask, you buy - then waited out front for him. He told me he would be a few minutes late getting there, and I was just hoping not to miss any of the movie.
When I saw him walk up, I was still kind of apprehensive towards him. I honestly didn't know what to do. Inside I wanted to kiss him or hug him, but I didn't know how he would react to that. SO I played it very cool, and let him lead. After we handed the girl our tickets and walked toward the theatre, he grabbed my hand. Then I knew things would be okay and not awkward. We held during the movie, and laughed and talked. It was starting to feel normal again, you know. SO I was beginning to exhale again.
The movie, by the way, was awesome! The love story in there is fierce...especially since there was no sex, and maybe one kiss between them!! What was that line he told her?? Something like: 'I can no longer find the strength to stay away from you'. Damn!!!! That line totally took my breath away!
So after the movie, I asked if he was hungry. Hey, it was almost 7p and my Cinnamon Life had worn off a long time ago!! We went to Applebee's but the wait was not an option. So I remembered seeing a Ponderosa down the main drag a bit, and we met there. We had a great time at dinner, plus it was nice being out on a date too!! A bonus that it was with the man I love!
Per our conversation the night before, he had agreed to spend the night with me. Yes, I asked. I didn't think he was going to before he left, and I couldn't bear the thought of him going back to Memphis on such distant terms! He told me he had a few places to go and he would be there later. No problem was my reply, since I had to get the babysitter home. Turns out her mother still hadn't made it home from the wake she went to earlier, and the persons house she was over was in my town! SCORE!! I got directions and off we all went!
Strange thing about this night was that I saw Roy's younger sister there! Her twins, who are now 16 were there and she has a little boy who's 19months. I didn't even ask about Roy, because I really don't care. I asked about her mom, and she was happy to see the kids. I gave her my number as well. Her girls were happy to see me and excited to see the WonderTwins...and vice versa.
Do I expect I may hear from Roy in the next few months? Sure I do. Does it bother me at all? Not even a little bit. Just like last time he came through (with the standard "I wanna see my kids" speech) and then disappeared so suddenly, I'm running this show! If he wants a part, he's got to audition and earn it. You don't get in their lives just because "you're the father"...that right was forfeited when Bruzer was still an arm baby!
Anyhow, my Punkin did make it back over late like he said, but with movies in tow. So we sat up and watched Eagle Eye (awesome!)...okay, I sat up and watched it! He was snoring after the first chapter, with Eclipse laying on him sleeping too! I was on my cycle, so it's not like anything was gonna happen, you know? Why did I ask to spend the night then? Because I wanted us to be close to one another like we both enjoy so much. I just felt that was very important for us to get reconnected after what happened. We watched Batman Begins that morning, and I made a simple breakfast for all. Turkey Bacon and Orange Rolls. He left, and I felt so much better about where we were again. I hit the grocery store for both of us, as originally planned.
No, I didn't say anything about the sister comment from the text message. Everytime I thought about it, it wasn't the right time. Maybe I'll just let it go. Whatever is gonna happen, is gonna happen! I just have to trust God, and know that He has my back regardless!
He even surprised me not too long ago and stopped by out of the blue! I was watching The Dark Knight when he comes bamming on the door! A very pleasant surprise, and a lot of passionate kisses. Definitely meant all was good with us! I swear I could have stripped him naked right there in the door frame! But, really how much could I do with him??? LOL
He's leaving tomorrow, and I will surely see him for a little while before he goes. I tried to get him to stay the night last night, but he didn't have his stuff with him. It would have been way too far of a round trip drive for him to get it too.
All in all, this has been a great visit! Almost 2 whole weeks with my sweetie! What a great way to start the new year off!! Looking for better and brighter things to come - for us, and for every part of my life!
When I saw him walk up, I was still kind of apprehensive towards him. I honestly didn't know what to do. Inside I wanted to kiss him or hug him, but I didn't know how he would react to that. SO I played it very cool, and let him lead. After we handed the girl our tickets and walked toward the theatre, he grabbed my hand. Then I knew things would be okay and not awkward. We held during the movie, and laughed and talked. It was starting to feel normal again, you know. SO I was beginning to exhale again.
The movie, by the way, was awesome! The love story in there is fierce...especially since there was no sex, and maybe one kiss between them!! What was that line he told her?? Something like: 'I can no longer find the strength to stay away from you'. Damn!!!! That line totally took my breath away!
So after the movie, I asked if he was hungry. Hey, it was almost 7p and my Cinnamon Life had worn off a long time ago!! We went to Applebee's but the wait was not an option. So I remembered seeing a Ponderosa down the main drag a bit, and we met there. We had a great time at dinner, plus it was nice being out on a date too!! A bonus that it was with the man I love!
Per our conversation the night before, he had agreed to spend the night with me. Yes, I asked. I didn't think he was going to before he left, and I couldn't bear the thought of him going back to Memphis on such distant terms! He told me he had a few places to go and he would be there later. No problem was my reply, since I had to get the babysitter home. Turns out her mother still hadn't made it home from the wake she went to earlier, and the persons house she was over was in my town! SCORE!! I got directions and off we all went!
Strange thing about this night was that I saw Roy's younger sister there! Her twins, who are now 16 were there and she has a little boy who's 19months. I didn't even ask about Roy, because I really don't care. I asked about her mom, and she was happy to see the kids. I gave her my number as well. Her girls were happy to see me and excited to see the WonderTwins...and vice versa.
Do I expect I may hear from Roy in the next few months? Sure I do. Does it bother me at all? Not even a little bit. Just like last time he came through (with the standard "I wanna see my kids" speech) and then disappeared so suddenly, I'm running this show! If he wants a part, he's got to audition and earn it. You don't get in their lives just because "you're the father"...that right was forfeited when Bruzer was still an arm baby!
Anyhow, my Punkin did make it back over late like he said, but with movies in tow. So we sat up and watched Eagle Eye (awesome!)...okay, I sat up and watched it! He was snoring after the first chapter, with Eclipse laying on him sleeping too! I was on my cycle, so it's not like anything was gonna happen, you know? Why did I ask to spend the night then? Because I wanted us to be close to one another like we both enjoy so much. I just felt that was very important for us to get reconnected after what happened. We watched Batman Begins that morning, and I made a simple breakfast for all. Turkey Bacon and Orange Rolls. He left, and I felt so much better about where we were again. I hit the grocery store for both of us, as originally planned.
No, I didn't say anything about the sister comment from the text message. Everytime I thought about it, it wasn't the right time. Maybe I'll just let it go. Whatever is gonna happen, is gonna happen! I just have to trust God, and know that He has my back regardless!
He even surprised me not too long ago and stopped by out of the blue! I was watching The Dark Knight when he comes bamming on the door! A very pleasant surprise, and a lot of passionate kisses. Definitely meant all was good with us! I swear I could have stripped him naked right there in the door frame! But, really how much could I do with him??? LOL
He's leaving tomorrow, and I will surely see him for a little while before he goes. I tried to get him to stay the night last night, but he didn't have his stuff with him. It would have been way too far of a round trip drive for him to get it too.
All in all, this has been a great visit! Almost 2 whole weeks with my sweetie! What a great way to start the new year off!! Looking for better and brighter things to come - for us, and for every part of my life!
January 1, 2009
I Think We Still Have a Chance...
Actually, I pray we do is more accurate. I talked to him this evening. He called me. I didn't want to push, so I had decided earlier that I would let him call me. I am glad we talked. I know I did some serious damage to the trust in our relationship by doing what I did. I know I had my reasons for doing it, but they just don't seem all that important anymore. So we had a productive talk this evening, and it makes me feel better than I have been feeling since it happened. I didn't even get out of the bed today until well after 1p.
Thinking about all this with him has made me really consider something else. When I think back on people like the PsychoRev...I am so happy I had my tubes tied, because he surely wanted to knock me up. The only other benefit to it has been not worrying about contraception with Dante, we're ready to go at all times!
But that's the only good things. So, I have made a decision about my personal health. I'm getting my tubes untied! I know, huge news right?! I can't say when, but I am thinking about making it a 2009 goal to be honest with you. Dante and I may not even be together by the time I get it done, so I want to make it clear that I wouldn't be doing it just "for him". I mean like doing it to try and keep him...'cause I would surely do it if he asked me to. It would be for me. I would like to have the option again. I regret taking that decision away from myself so permanently. But, at that time, things were horrid in my life and I just didn't want to make it worse. So I made what I thought was the best choice at the time.
It just shouldn't have been a permanent choice is all. There were other options I should have considered first. I wanna give that gift back to myself: the gift of wholeness. No, I don't feel complete as I am right now. I feel inadequate and less than a woman by not being able to produce children. Hey, I'm just being honest!
But after looking at the testimonials and reading people's stories, I know I have hope. Some of their stories were way worse than I have...and some of them were a lot the same. Those are the ones that caught my attention, and how nice to see the 'happy ending' to it. I just have to set my mind to it, and start planning out a way to achieve this goal! It would be really nice if Dante was the one to be with me during this...so I'll throw in a prayer for that too!
Thinking about all this with him has made me really consider something else. When I think back on people like the PsychoRev...I am so happy I had my tubes tied, because he surely wanted to knock me up. The only other benefit to it has been not worrying about contraception with Dante, we're ready to go at all times!
But that's the only good things. So, I have made a decision about my personal health. I'm getting my tubes untied! I know, huge news right?! I can't say when, but I am thinking about making it a 2009 goal to be honest with you. Dante and I may not even be together by the time I get it done, so I want to make it clear that I wouldn't be doing it just "for him". I mean like doing it to try and keep him...'cause I would surely do it if he asked me to. It would be for me. I would like to have the option again. I regret taking that decision away from myself so permanently. But, at that time, things were horrid in my life and I just didn't want to make it worse. So I made what I thought was the best choice at the time.
It just shouldn't have been a permanent choice is all. There were other options I should have considered first. I wanna give that gift back to myself: the gift of wholeness. No, I don't feel complete as I am right now. I feel inadequate and less than a woman by not being able to produce children. Hey, I'm just being honest!
But after looking at the testimonials and reading people's stories, I know I have hope. Some of their stories were way worse than I have...and some of them were a lot the same. Those are the ones that caught my attention, and how nice to see the 'happy ending' to it. I just have to set my mind to it, and start planning out a way to achieve this goal! It would be really nice if Dante was the one to be with me during this...so I'll throw in a prayer for that too!
Happy New Year
Well, at least I'm trying to be happy. It's not working out so well right now. I've barely talked to Dante since the incident yesterday. If I didn't send him a text, I may not have heard from him anymore yesterday. I sent him a text at midnight saying "Happy New Year Punkin!"...and I got the generic "Happy New Year" in return.
Yes, I am overly sensitive...what's your point???
This morning was a little better. I sent him the standard "Good Morning Punkin" greeting and got the exact same thing back. I asked what he was doing today and if I would see him. I got an answer to the first question, but nothing regarding the second one. So I didn't push the issue.
Oh well, what else can I do? Wait and see what happens is pretty much my only option.
I've finally dragged myself out of the bed, and will attempt to get clothes on. I may wash my hair. At least I will try to look pretty, even if I don't feel so much that way. My youngest sister is in town from Atlanta, so I will go to Leigh's house to see her in a few hours.
Wish me luck with today, lord knows I need it. Fake it till you can make it, right?
Yes, I am overly sensitive...what's your point???
This morning was a little better. I sent him the standard "Good Morning Punkin" greeting and got the exact same thing back. I asked what he was doing today and if I would see him. I got an answer to the first question, but nothing regarding the second one. So I didn't push the issue.
Oh well, what else can I do? Wait and see what happens is pretty much my only option.
I've finally dragged myself out of the bed, and will attempt to get clothes on. I may wash my hair. At least I will try to look pretty, even if I don't feel so much that way. My youngest sister is in town from Atlanta, so I will go to Leigh's house to see her in a few hours.
Wish me luck with today, lord knows I need it. Fake it till you can make it, right?
December 31, 2008
20 Minutes till 2009!!!
I talked to the bff extensively today. I told her what I did and how I felt so horrible for it. I told her I still have questions towards Dante as to what we really are. I can't feel like I am "the only one" if there are still others I feel I have to contend with! PLUS, his retort to my fear statement has me completely thrown off kilter!! How am I supposed to feel secure with that!??
I would gladly go under the knife and anesthesia to give him what he desires so much. I loved everything about childbearing, from conception to carrying the baby to even my labor and deliveries. I would gladly do it again...and again after that. BUT, I wonder if the fact that I have 4 children, then plus any we would have may be a little too overwhelming for him. I actually wouldn't think so, but that's because I think very highly of his strength and character. Call me partial that way!
The bff also reminded me today that I perhaps have been selling myself short in this. I always focus on this one thing that I can't do that the others may be able to. But what about all the things I have going for me that would make any man fall at my feet??? She told me to remain open, so that in case he does have to come to me and tell me those dreaded words, I won't be back at square one. Do you have any idea how hard that is to fathom, when all I really want is him??? What she reminded me of with a story she told is the fact that I have his back no matter what. If I can do something or if I can help then I will do it. He knows that fact, as I have proven it plenty of times and will continue to do so. I know that counts in a man's mind, and it's not even an act for me...that's just who I am. I believe the thugs would call me a ride-or-die chick! LOL
I know he appreciates that about me. I know that makes me a lot more unique than a number of women out there. I am quite positive that all my numerous attributes far outweigh any drawbacks that are present! That's what I believe, that's the premise I will work from. My future husband - be it Dante or someone I have yet to know - will be bowled over by those very things!
In the Matchless name of Jesus....... (let everyone say) AMEN!!!!
I would gladly go under the knife and anesthesia to give him what he desires so much. I loved everything about childbearing, from conception to carrying the baby to even my labor and deliveries. I would gladly do it again...and again after that. BUT, I wonder if the fact that I have 4 children, then plus any we would have may be a little too overwhelming for him. I actually wouldn't think so, but that's because I think very highly of his strength and character. Call me partial that way!
The bff also reminded me today that I perhaps have been selling myself short in this. I always focus on this one thing that I can't do that the others may be able to. But what about all the things I have going for me that would make any man fall at my feet??? She told me to remain open, so that in case he does have to come to me and tell me those dreaded words, I won't be back at square one. Do you have any idea how hard that is to fathom, when all I really want is him??? What she reminded me of with a story she told is the fact that I have his back no matter what. If I can do something or if I can help then I will do it. He knows that fact, as I have proven it plenty of times and will continue to do so. I know that counts in a man's mind, and it's not even an act for me...that's just who I am. I believe the thugs would call me a ride-or-die chick! LOL
I know he appreciates that about me. I know that makes me a lot more unique than a number of women out there. I am quite positive that all my numerous attributes far outweigh any drawbacks that are present! That's what I believe, that's the premise I will work from. My future husband - be it Dante or someone I have yet to know - will be bowled over by those very things!
In the Matchless name of Jesus....... (let everyone say) AMEN!!!!
Happy New Year's Eve
Wow!! Do I need to clear my head up before tonight!!! What a "last night" and morning it has been! I am going to blame part of it on woman's intuition, and the other part on PMS to explain what happens next. Last night I did what I always advise others not to...I went digging. The saying goes: "Seek and ye shall find." I went looking for something on Dante's myspace page. Well between there and looking through his phone (gasp) while he was in the shower...I found it! What did I find you ask? Last night's stuff was purely circumstantial, a picture of him and another woman standing side by side (not even touching). It was the comments under the photo that helped my heart beat abnormally. She responded to someone else's comment about who he was and that's who she's been hiding by saying if they had went to her graduation then they would know who he was. As I said purely circumstantial stuff. But wait! There's more!!
Then today, his phone was left unlocked after he went to the shower and -completely AGAINST my better judgement- I looked through the text messages. Not much, but then I recognized a name as one I saw long ago, when I saw the "Are you okay baby?" text message when he spent the weekend with me and the kids. So I looked at the history of that conversation and was disturbed by the 'good morning pet name' messages I saw. Then it bothered me that, after asking me if I could get groceries for him before he heads back to Memphis and me agreeing, he tells this person when she asked about him needing groceries that his SISTER would be getting them for him on her link card! Yes, you are correct, that is suspect. That's when my pressure rose and I tried to begin calming myself down.
He came in the room and I couldn't even fake it. When he played 20 questions and found out the person I was mad at was him, he automatically knew it had something to do with his phone. I felt like shit for even admitting I had looked through it...because to me that's a huge breach of trust. He said he wasn't angry but I could tell he was pissed, I saw it in his eyes. I sincerely apologized for doing what I did. I told him what I found and asked about it (didn't tell him about the sister comment). He reminded me that I am well aware that he talks to other women and he has not hidden that from me. He reminded me that this vacation he has spent the vast majority of his time here with me, to which I agreed. Basically he turned the tables from me being mad at him to him being mad at me...or at least at the fact that I felt I had to do that. Yes, I know. That is one of the oldest tricks in the book. Yes, I did let it slide. No, I don't know why.
Why can't I be one of those women that get mad and holler and cuss and fuss? The men seem to looove them, and it seems to work too! But me? No. I'm way too classy for such antics and theatrics! The most you may get out of me is watery eyes and the knowledge that I am pissed off beyond all recognition.
So, I told him that it worries me sometimes. I told him that my biggest fear is that he will come to me one day and tell me 'I care about you, but I found someone else I want to be with...and she can have children.' You know what didn't help that baring-my-soul moment? Him saying that that was his biggest fear also...that he would have to say that to me one day! Wow, yeah..I feel sooooo much better now. Thanks Punkin! ;-) Honesty rocks! (seriously, I wouldn't want it any other way. better honest now than caught in a big ass lying mess later)
I don't know what the hell to do right now. But I know for damn sure that I will not come into the new year in a state of confusion! I am determined! I heard Kanye West's Stronger in the car on the way back from Wallyworld. That's a favorite pump up song of mine! Then when I got back home, I changed my yahoo status message to this:
Then today, his phone was left unlocked after he went to the shower and -completely AGAINST my better judgement- I looked through the text messages. Not much, but then I recognized a name as one I saw long ago, when I saw the "Are you okay baby?" text message when he spent the weekend with me and the kids. So I looked at the history of that conversation and was disturbed by the 'good morning pet name' messages I saw. Then it bothered me that, after asking me if I could get groceries for him before he heads back to Memphis and me agreeing, he tells this person when she asked about him needing groceries that his SISTER would be getting them for him on her link card! Yes, you are correct, that is suspect. That's when my pressure rose and I tried to begin calming myself down.
He came in the room and I couldn't even fake it. When he played 20 questions and found out the person I was mad at was him, he automatically knew it had something to do with his phone. I felt like shit for even admitting I had looked through it...because to me that's a huge breach of trust. He said he wasn't angry but I could tell he was pissed, I saw it in his eyes. I sincerely apologized for doing what I did. I told him what I found and asked about it (didn't tell him about the sister comment). He reminded me that I am well aware that he talks to other women and he has not hidden that from me. He reminded me that this vacation he has spent the vast majority of his time here with me, to which I agreed. Basically he turned the tables from me being mad at him to him being mad at me...or at least at the fact that I felt I had to do that. Yes, I know. That is one of the oldest tricks in the book. Yes, I did let it slide. No, I don't know why.
Why can't I be one of those women that get mad and holler and cuss and fuss? The men seem to looove them, and it seems to work too! But me? No. I'm way too classy for such antics and theatrics! The most you may get out of me is watery eyes and the knowledge that I am pissed off beyond all recognition.
So, I told him that it worries me sometimes. I told him that my biggest fear is that he will come to me one day and tell me 'I care about you, but I found someone else I want to be with...and she can have children.' You know what didn't help that baring-my-soul moment? Him saying that that was his biggest fear also...that he would have to say that to me one day! Wow, yeah..I feel sooooo much better now. Thanks Punkin! ;-) Honesty rocks! (seriously, I wouldn't want it any other way. better honest now than caught in a big ass lying mess later)
I don't know what the hell to do right now. But I know for damn sure that I will not come into the new year in a state of confusion! I am determined! I heard Kanye West's Stronger in the car on the way back from Wallyworld. That's a favorite pump up song of mine! Then when I got back home, I changed my yahoo status message to this:
"Just Love and Let Go. Sometimes it's worth the heartbreak!"
There is nothing else I can do in this situation but continue to trust God over all, and know that He has my best interest at heart...even when noone else does (including myself)!!!
December 30, 2008
Christmas Was Great
Merry Belated Christmas to everyone! I hope yours was lovely! This went went a lot smoother than last year in the whole trying to be Santa Claus part! I made sure they were sleep and got everything where it needed to be BEFORE I went to bed for the night! Dante came through big time (again) with toys for them, and I was able to buy them each something else from their Christmas lists that they wanted. Starr got the bike she has wanted for such a long time (that her father never got). So Dante gets BIG kudos from the family (and the bff) for that! He has such a big heart, I just wish sometimes I knew how much of me was in there. But that's another story...
Anyway, he got into town before Christmas and is able to stay until after New Year's so that's exciting! Though, because he says he's going to church, I won't be able to spend that night with him. It's been really great having him here though. We have spent a pretty good amount of time together. We went to the movies the other day while Leigh watched all the children for me. Then we came home and ate some Talayna's lasagna, which he absolutely LOVES. He has spent several nights here and we have just really enjoyed our time together. I haven't heard those three words again though. That sometimes makes me wonder, was it something he really meant to say...perhaps it really was the alcohol and "activities" that made him say it. Ah well, only time will tell I suppose.
Anyhow, we spent Christmas at The Officer's house, even though she had to work as usual. As a correctional officer, her schedule is M-F 645a-3p...PERIOD!! Regardless of what holiday it is. We had a great time there. It was really good this year. It sometimes make me sad, because seeing as Grandmother is 87 years old...I wonder how much longer we will have her at our gatherings. Blessedly, the women in our family can live to be pretty "up there", so we may have quite a few more years at this rate! :-) I really didn't do any shopping for anyone outside the kids this year. I just didn't really have it to spare, trying to make sure the bills are paid is what matters most. My phone was acting up, and I misconnected with Wayne that day, he wanted to come by and see Starr for Christmas. Oops! Mind you, he hasn't made it since then either!
New Year's Eve is just around the corner. I can say that, although I am not where I want to be right now (especially financially), I can definitely see the strides I have made since last year this time! For that I feel blessed. I have made some mistakes this year, of which I will forgive myself for and move on. Most importantly, I will allow myself to trust God more and follow His lead instead of my own. I believe that single decision will help me achieve my business goals in record time this year!
Because I have some things on my mind and heart right...and because I am PMSing...I will end this post now before it becomes very neagtive and depressing. God Bless and Keep you til the end of all time!
Anyway, he got into town before Christmas and is able to stay until after New Year's so that's exciting! Though, because he says he's going to church, I won't be able to spend that night with him. It's been really great having him here though. We have spent a pretty good amount of time together. We went to the movies the other day while Leigh watched all the children for me. Then we came home and ate some Talayna's lasagna, which he absolutely LOVES. He has spent several nights here and we have just really enjoyed our time together. I haven't heard those three words again though. That sometimes makes me wonder, was it something he really meant to say...perhaps it really was the alcohol and "activities" that made him say it. Ah well, only time will tell I suppose.
Anyhow, we spent Christmas at The Officer's house, even though she had to work as usual. As a correctional officer, her schedule is M-F 645a-3p...PERIOD!! Regardless of what holiday it is. We had a great time there. It was really good this year. It sometimes make me sad, because seeing as Grandmother is 87 years old...I wonder how much longer we will have her at our gatherings. Blessedly, the women in our family can live to be pretty "up there", so we may have quite a few more years at this rate! :-) I really didn't do any shopping for anyone outside the kids this year. I just didn't really have it to spare, trying to make sure the bills are paid is what matters most. My phone was acting up, and I misconnected with Wayne that day, he wanted to come by and see Starr for Christmas. Oops! Mind you, he hasn't made it since then either!
New Year's Eve is just around the corner. I can say that, although I am not where I want to be right now (especially financially), I can definitely see the strides I have made since last year this time! For that I feel blessed. I have made some mistakes this year, of which I will forgive myself for and move on. Most importantly, I will allow myself to trust God more and follow His lead instead of my own. I believe that single decision will help me achieve my business goals in record time this year!
Because I have some things on my mind and heart right...and because I am PMSing...I will end this post now before it becomes very neagtive and depressing. God Bless and Keep you til the end of all time!
December 21, 2008
It's Almost Here
Yes, in a few days it will be Christmas! I finally put up the tree this evening! Still needs decorating, but it's a prelit tree, so that kinda helps! I even put a few red velvet bows on the outside railing, so now me and my duplex-mate match! I also rearranged my living room today as well. Oh no, this was not a minor switching-of-the-couch-and-loveseat kinda change. This was an everything-that-can-be-moved-will-be-moved kinda change! I am well pleased with it.
Whaddaya mean "Who helped me"?!?!?! Did you not see the name of this blog?
SOLOMOMMY, thankyouverymuch!
Okay, okay...the kids helped a little. They moved the toys that were in the corner out of the living room, and DJ sweep-vac'd the floor (which is his daily job anyway). But all the furniture moving and carrying of 32" TVs (old school, not flat-panel) from one room to the next was ALL ME!! Why yes...I am very proud of that!
Went to church this morning, then to Aldi to pick up a few things. That was all I could manage, considering it was like 13degrees outside with a windchill of -10 degrees to go with it!! Church was great this morning, I am really getting into it there. Last Sunday I arrived just in time to completely miss praise and worship, so I was a bit bummed about that. But I made it in time today, plus got to hear the message about "The Indescribable Gift of Christmas is Jesus Christ".
Came home and kind of lounged. There is an actual ton of laundry to do, but since I have to go outside to access the basement where the washer and dryer are there was none done today!! I'm also in the process of giving this place a good once-over clean & clutterwise too. I have quite a bit to see the goodwill tomorrow already, and will likely have more.
I did a little Christmas shopping with my sister Leigh yesterday. I ended scoring stocking stuffers and decorations mostly. Plus, I got Starr the art set she wanted and a couple of paper pads too. The "real" paper pads, like one specifically for watercolors and the other that's best for "dry media". She really is a good artist, and I want to continue to feed that in her. As far as toys go, what a blessing for Dante to have gotten so many things from their Christmas list this year! I hardly have to buy anything, which is a plus cause I won't have money til the day after Christmas! lol
He was even able to procure Starr a bike from a local bike drive they had. Yes, in case you are wondering, these gifts came from the US Marine Corps Toys for Tots program. No, I don't feel bad or like I'm abusing the privilege because of who he is. Honestly, had it not been for him, my kids Christmas wouldn't be so great at all. So, what I do feel is divinely blessed to have him in my life to do this for my children. But, I'll tell you a little secret. My prayer to God was that I could be a giver next year instead a receiver. And you know what? I believe God grants us the desires of our hearts, as long as it follows in line with His perfect will for our lives.
My Punkin will be here in a few days, and I can hardly wait! Just being in his embrace after a little time away is like a cold glass of water after a terribly long drought! Or better yet:
Take a deep breath in and hold it for a second. Now exhale slowly and completely, letting your shoulders and body relax in the process.
Feel that?
That's what's it's like in my Punkin's arms for me!
I really am falling, aren't I?
Whaddaya mean "Who helped me"?!?!?! Did you not see the name of this blog?
SOLOMOMMY, thankyouverymuch!
Okay, okay...the kids helped a little. They moved the toys that were in the corner out of the living room, and DJ sweep-vac'd the floor (which is his daily job anyway). But all the furniture moving and carrying of 32" TVs (old school, not flat-panel) from one room to the next was ALL ME!! Why yes...I am very proud of that!
Went to church this morning, then to Aldi to pick up a few things. That was all I could manage, considering it was like 13degrees outside with a windchill of -10 degrees to go with it!! Church was great this morning, I am really getting into it there. Last Sunday I arrived just in time to completely miss praise and worship, so I was a bit bummed about that. But I made it in time today, plus got to hear the message about "The Indescribable Gift of Christmas is Jesus Christ".
Came home and kind of lounged. There is an actual ton of laundry to do, but since I have to go outside to access the basement where the washer and dryer are there was none done today!! I'm also in the process of giving this place a good once-over clean & clutterwise too. I have quite a bit to see the goodwill tomorrow already, and will likely have more.
I did a little Christmas shopping with my sister Leigh yesterday. I ended scoring stocking stuffers and decorations mostly. Plus, I got Starr the art set she wanted and a couple of paper pads too. The "real" paper pads, like one specifically for watercolors and the other that's best for "dry media". She really is a good artist, and I want to continue to feed that in her. As far as toys go, what a blessing for Dante to have gotten so many things from their Christmas list this year! I hardly have to buy anything, which is a plus cause I won't have money til the day after Christmas! lol
He was even able to procure Starr a bike from a local bike drive they had. Yes, in case you are wondering, these gifts came from the US Marine Corps Toys for Tots program. No, I don't feel bad or like I'm abusing the privilege because of who he is. Honestly, had it not been for him, my kids Christmas wouldn't be so great at all. So, what I do feel is divinely blessed to have him in my life to do this for my children. But, I'll tell you a little secret. My prayer to God was that I could be a giver next year instead a receiver. And you know what? I believe God grants us the desires of our hearts, as long as it follows in line with His perfect will for our lives.
My Punkin will be here in a few days, and I can hardly wait! Just being in his embrace after a little time away is like a cold glass of water after a terribly long drought! Or better yet:
Take a deep breath in and hold it for a second. Now exhale slowly and completely, letting your shoulders and body relax in the process.
Feel that?
That's what's it's like in my Punkin's arms for me!
I really am falling, aren't I?
December 17, 2008
A Mellow Day
Didn't do my usual running today. Bruzer and I hit a couple stores, then ate Chick-Fil-A at the mall (on an entertainment book coupon, of course). We were home by 1p, where I lounged at the computer until it was time to pick up the kids. They get out half an hour early on Wednesday...every Wednesday. I am pretty good at remembering though, it just means I have to cut my day a little shorter than usual.
CGR and I had a great talk today. Seems things are going better for him and the girlfriend. Even though she's not my favorite person, as long as she makes him happy I'm okay with her. I even admitted to him today that I can say I leaning toward the "in love" category when it comes to Dante. Yes, I did say it just that cryptically!! I just feel a lot more comfortable letting myself go knowing that he is doing the same. I know it's not all the way yet, but it is definitely different than before. And I am most assuredly enjoying it too!!
I've been watching old episodes of Bones this evening, between cooking dinner and chatting with Jerome. I don't mention him much on here, but I talk to him pretty much every day. He's really a sweet guy, not much into the club scene or for being around a lot of people. He usually has a wandering eye, but this woman he's involved with now definitely has his heart. What I do know for sure is if he would have strayed, he would have told me! I'm basically the closest thing he has to a best friend! They have been together for almost 9 months now, and it hasn't been easy but they keep trying. No knock-down, drag-out fights or infidelity or anything like that. They're just trying to work through subtle differences, as we all do when we truly desire couplehood.
I ordered more books from Karen Kingsbury last night on Amazon. Don't worry, no spending frenzy alert needed. My total -with shipping- was $13 for 3 books!! I went into the Christian bookstore at the mall today and got 3 books by Michelle McKinney-Hammond. I am very excited to read those, and will give reviews as I do.
That's it for today, I'm headed to the bath now and bed later!
CGR and I had a great talk today. Seems things are going better for him and the girlfriend. Even though she's not my favorite person, as long as she makes him happy I'm okay with her. I even admitted to him today that I can say I leaning toward the "in love" category when it comes to Dante. Yes, I did say it just that cryptically!! I just feel a lot more comfortable letting myself go knowing that he is doing the same. I know it's not all the way yet, but it is definitely different than before. And I am most assuredly enjoying it too!!
I've been watching old episodes of Bones this evening, between cooking dinner and chatting with Jerome. I don't mention him much on here, but I talk to him pretty much every day. He's really a sweet guy, not much into the club scene or for being around a lot of people. He usually has a wandering eye, but this woman he's involved with now definitely has his heart. What I do know for sure is if he would have strayed, he would have told me! I'm basically the closest thing he has to a best friend! They have been together for almost 9 months now, and it hasn't been easy but they keep trying. No knock-down, drag-out fights or infidelity or anything like that. They're just trying to work through subtle differences, as we all do when we truly desire couplehood.
I ordered more books from Karen Kingsbury last night on Amazon. Don't worry, no spending frenzy alert needed. My total -with shipping- was $13 for 3 books!! I went into the Christian bookstore at the mall today and got 3 books by Michelle McKinney-Hammond. I am very excited to read those, and will give reviews as I do.
That's it for today, I'm headed to the bath now and bed later!
December 14, 2008
Still a bit melancholy
Time to get myself in line with what God wants me to do. I can't be any other way. My way doesn't work. Period. I get caught up in the wrong things and it takes my focus off what I should be doing. Where does that get me?
Nowhere!
Well, I say No Mas!! I have to start taking the advice I am giving out to everyone else right now. This is the only life we get, we need to live it to the fullest with as few regrets as possible!
My turn.
I am going to try to set a schedule for my blogging of Sunday, Wednesday, and Friday. We'll see if that will keep me consistent like I want to be. Time will tell, right?
p.s. Can you tell I am REALLY melancholy right now?? More to come...
Nowhere!
Well, I say No Mas!! I have to start taking the advice I am giving out to everyone else right now. This is the only life we get, we need to live it to the fullest with as few regrets as possible!
My turn.
I am going to try to set a schedule for my blogging of Sunday, Wednesday, and Friday. We'll see if that will keep me consistent like I want to be. Time will tell, right?
p.s. Can you tell I am REALLY melancholy right now?? More to come...
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