Happy Birthday Starr!!

She's 11 today. (Yes, that is Transformers. Yes, she picked it all by herself!)

I can remember the day she was born like it was yesterday. It started out a beautiful San Diego day as usual. I was relieved the weekend was over, and she wasn't born on Halloween! I was supposed to go in to work that day and fill in for someone else who was out. But I called my supervisor and told him I just couldn't do it, that I was so tired and I promised I would be in the next day. He later told me how HAPPY he was that I didn't come in that day after all!!
It would be another hour before I noticed the somewhat regular tightening of my abdomen.
My friend and next door neighbor called and I was surprised she was home that day. She said she had to take her cousin to court so she took the day off work. We were just talking as usual and chit-chatting. Meanwhile, I was packing my bag for the hospital and DJ's bag for the babysitter, unbeknownst to my neighbor! Finally after about an hour, I asked what time she had to go to court and she said it was that afternoon. I politely asked her if she would drive me to the hospital because I was in labor. She started panicking more than I was! "Why didn't you say anything? How long have you been having contractions? Are you ready to go now?"
I replied 'no' to the last question because I still had to call my babysitter Lisa to pick up DJ. I didn't have to ask her if he could stay with them while I was in the hospital, she told me he was!!
She didn't live far, so they were there pretty quickly, and my friend and I were off to the hospital.
I don't really remember much about the drive there. Just enjoying the sights of San Diego, as I always did. I went to a hospital called Mary Birch Hospital for Women, so they had their own triage 'ER'-type area for Labor and Delivery. I was in my little room patiently waiting, my friend left to get her cousin to court on time, promising me she would be back ASAP. I remember a nurse coming in to check my vitals and enter my info in the system, but another nurse came a little later to do it again since she wasn't seeing info in the computer next to me. They already had me hooked up to a monitor machine that kept track of my contractions as well as the baby's heartbeat. I knew it was a girl, due to a previous ultrasound, and I already knew what her name was. I gave her father a chance to help with the naming by agreeing to the middle name Monique, but since he wasn't really around like I felt he should have been, I went with Starr instead. No, I'm no hippie I swear. But my mom's nickname in her younger days was Starr, and I knew without her (though 2200 miles away), I couldn't have made it through that preganancy sane. So Starr it was!
Back to the story: When the 2nd nurse came in and noticed my info wasn't in the computer thing, she decided she would go ahead and "check me" just to see how far I was progressing. What they are "checking" is how far I (my cervix, to be exact) am dilated ( up to 10cm) and effaced (thinned out, percentage up to 100%). Fully dilated and effaced basically means the baby is coming any second and some pushing is gonna be happening in moments. For most women, without using drugs that is, this process is usually rather uncomfortable to downright painful. I can still say to this day that after 4 children, it never was for me. So, imagine the nurse's utter amazement when she discovers I am fully dilated and effaced and sitting there as calm as if were having tea with the Queen! I even hear her at the nurse's station telling the other nurses that I am calm and relaxed and even laughing with her, though I am fully dilated and effaced! A few nurses peeked in my room! Now that was hilarious! She even asked at one point if I could not laugh so loudly because she didn't want to make the other women feel bad!! LOL
They got me up to labor and delivery pretty quick, needlesstosay. The doctor had two C-sections to do before me, then he was on his way in. In the time it took him to do the first delivery, it was all I could do to keep Starr in! Ladies with children, you know what I mean about that urge to push! Men, think of a time when you really, really had to do #2 but had to hold it until you got where you were going. Got that feeling in your mind? Good, now take that and multiply it by 20!!
The nurse paged him a few times, because by now I was really uncomfortable because I was trying to resist the urge to push. She put this oxygen mask on me, which made things worse because I felt like I couldn't breathe then! Goofy, I know. Finally she begged me to just wait a second longer, and she found him then literally pulled him into the room and said, "Trust me, this won't take but a minute or two!" He said push twice and there she was!! Then the doc was gone. Starr was rather cranky and not easily consolable initially, even for a newborn. So the nurse gave her a bottle of formula, and she drank two ounces right from the womb!! The nurse swore she had never seen anything like that before!
The only thing I really remember about the hospital stay afterward was hoping Wayne would walk through the door. No luck, Army duty called. I also know I am not one of those mothers that want their baby to sleep in the room with them. Are you kidding?? I know for sure the next few months it's just gonna be me and the babies, so at least for these two nights I'll take advantage of someone else watching the baby while I sleep!
The day I came home from the hospital, I ended up at the airport that evening because my mom was on a plane out there! She stayed for two weeks. She had never been that far west and had NEVER seen the ocean in her almost 50 years then. What an awesome thing to have been a part of. She even made sure DJ was walking by the time she flew back home!

So that's the story of Starr's birth, and I do not regret a moment of it...or anyday we have spent being a part of each other's lives. I see so much of myself in her, and then some. I just want her to know there is NOTHING she cannot do, that the sky really is the limit. So much more in store for her, and I can't hardly wait to be a part of it!

Thank You Lord for the blessing you gave me 11 years ago today.

What an Awesome Time I Had!!!

The party Friday night was great! I got to see a lot of people from the old high school days. I was with a group of girls that I knew, Kween was one of them. It was great! You know what? I decided I would not be a wall flower this time, that I was gonna have me some fun. I was NOT gonna just sit at the table and chit chat! Hell, I can do that on the phone!! lol I also decided that I wasn't gonna buy my own drinks either.

I kept my word on both accounts! My old friend Jerome was there, and he took care of me. Got me pretty tipsy off of Amaretto Sours to be quite frank about it! I must admit I started it though. The last time we were in the same social space, he was celebrating his and his girlfriend-at-the-time's birthdays. So I went up to him while he was ordering some chicken wings for Kween and asked him who was his current toy before I started messing with him, because I didn't want to get my car keyed up! We both laughed at that, and he said I was! Funny. Especially since he had it backwards: I wasn't his toy, he was mine!

We danced a few times to both fast and slow songs, and I also danced with his other friend Marvin. Marvin was determined to get me to go to breakfast with him! Yeah....no!! He's a cool as a fan and all, but not my type AT ALL. Plus, he's like best friends and frat with Jerome - that just ain't cool! I did the brothers thing in my youth, that was close enough! lol

As the night progressed on, we kept wandering back toward each other, Jerome and I. We do this every time we see each other. We've always had this love-hate relationship, all the way back to when we 'dated' in junior high school. He was arrogant as hell back then and nothing has changed to this day. I was conceited as hell back then and nothing has changed to this day. Neither one of us could break the other down, we were used to the opposite sex chasing after us. Neither one of us behaved that way, so it was a very unusual pairing. Anyway, back to the present, by the last hour or so, we were almost inseparable. I mean like not with a hot butter knife inseparable. Put it this way: we were told more than once to 'get a room' by one of his boys and by Kween, and I'm sure most in attendance would think we were a couple. Mind you, there was no lip-locking going on at all. But, I was definitely working that Scorpio Magic on him!

Me and the ladies still left at the same time, and Jerome and Marvin walked us out to our cars. Of course I was last to leave, though he would have much preferred me to go home with him! He kept asking, or more like telling me I was. I was good and tipsy too?? In case you don't know, let me give the equation:

Scorpio plus Alcohol = SEX

Most of me was ready to make that roll with him, but my conscience still wouldn't let me do it. I know, I know. He does have another girlfriend in Memphis, and she isn't the first. But two wrongs don't make a right either. I wouldn't do it to get back at him, that's immature. Problem is, he's so much on my mind that I couldn't do it! (granted: I could if I wanted to, I'm sure I'd get over the guilt and regret) Plus, since we are being honest with each other, I would have felt obligated to tell him...and I didn't want to do that! So I walked away. I even sent Dante a text while I was driving home! Aren't I the good girl??

On Halloween, I took the kids to church for the big fall festival. It was really great, there was a huge turnout. Leigh and all my neices came, plus my brother-in-law. They enjoyed themselves also. I worked as a volunteer at one of the games all night. My legs are killing me today because I was basically doing squats for two hours straight! I was also self-conscious because as I was bending down to pick up the little sacks that the kids tossed for candy, I realized that my red string lace thong was showing out of my low rise jeans!!! At church!

Dante went to a party with his friend April (remember the hike?) that night. I told him to send me a pic before he left cause he was dressed as the Undertaker from WWE. Well, I finally got it the next day. You know I didn't get a 'goodnight punkin' text that night either. Oh well. I know who he was with and I'm glad he had fun. He won the contest too!

Off to bed I go. Still got a lot on my mind. Some things I haven't written about yet, time will tell if it's necessary, and some things need to be written/planned on paper instead. Parent Teacher conferences tomorrow. Hopefully glowing reviews all around is what I'm going for!!

Better Than To Tell A Lie

Dante and I had a great talk to really clear the air from what happened in my last post. Part of it was that I was having a bad day and he knew I was having a bad day. So a part of my mind was like "see how much he cares about you"! But we cleared up alot. I asked the tough questions and got the honest answers. He knows exactly how I feel about the situation, but that I'm willing to deal with it for a minute longer until he decides where he wants to live. I tried to explain it to the BFF but I don't know how well I did. I know she doesn't like it and thinks that he should just be faithful (so do I), but sometimes life just isn't that simple. Hell, most times it's not.
I'm feeling better than I was about myself yesterday too, I just know I have to really get it together. I'm tired of letting myself down. Noone can do that for me, but me.
I'm VERY excited, because I am going to a party tonight. Yes, me, to a Halloween party! What am I going to be?

Miss America, of course! It totally fits me, that's what everyone else has said! Hey, all I did was wear one of my previously unworn evening gowns, make a sash with Miss America on it, and wear one of the two tiaras I already have! Simple and cheap, that works for me!

I hope I have as good of a time as I am hoping to. Lord knows I need it!!!

Truth Hurts

So I haven't heard from Dante for several hours this evening. I knew why.

No, he didn't tell me beforehand. I just knew.

So he send me a text at a little after 11p asking was I sleep, to which I replied 'No'. He asked what I was doing, I asked what he was doing. He replied, 'Honestly, I'm driving home.'
I asked from where, and he said I didn't wanna know. Like I told him, "Doesn't that tell me what I need to know?"

The more I sat and thought about it, I just got this rush of emotion. Somewhere between anger and hurt, complete with watering eyes.

All I can say is this: I am NOT going to cry about this situation (as it is right now) anymore!

So Mad At Myself

I've had a crappy day. I've been so mad at myself today. Even had a pity party for a while. Why?

Because I am so sick and tired of this saboteur inside of me that consistently ROBS me of my dreams!

My so-called comfort zone is still set to 'Struggling Mode', so no matter what I get, I will subconciously get myself back to that point.

How am I gonna get my Denali like that??

But, I'm done with the pity party. I'm tired of being mad at myself. I need to turn this anger and frustration inward and FIX ME!!!

You know what? I will too!!

I am gonna start keeping a written money journal. I am also gonna keep better track of my goals, and make sure that my daily actions are moving towards achieving them. Lisa on Real Housewives of Atlanta said it best: "If it doesn't make me money, I'm not doing it."

Since noone else will hold me to the fire on this, I'll hold my damn self accountable!!

The Ups and Downs of Life

So Dante is officially cheating on me. We had a conversation about the last time he was here. What bothers me most is that it wasn't what I thought it was. It wasn't just sex to 'tide him over' until we were together again. That I could deal with a lot easier. But oh no, no, no. It was spending time with the woman, meeting her family, going to her damn family reunion! WTF??!! Our agreement was to remain exclusive to each other physically. I failed last year with the guy I was working on the gym with...and I felt horrible about it. So horrible, that I NEVER did it again. There were many "turndowns" and at least one physical situation that I made the choice to walk away from. (Trust me the engine was on and it wasn't easy to turn this key off!) I didn't quite get that much thought from Dante. Oh sure, sure there was guilt at first...with THE FIRST GIRL!!!! This is number two!!!! So apparently the guilt faded away pretty well.

Don't I feel special.

I don't know what to do. I've been shocked. I've been angry. I've been sad. I've cried about it. I've lost my appetite over it. Now I'm just numb I think. We still talk like we have been. Still say our good mornings and goodnights. I still call myself his girlfriend. Am I still hurting? Hell yeah. Do I lay awake thinking about him with her? Hell no. Why waste my time and make myself upset over something I can't control?!?!?! Do I feel betrayed? You're damned right I do!!

He has made it crystal clear that he is not prepared to make a "decision" until he knows whether he knows if he's staying in Memphis or coming back here. He is absolutely against a committed long-distance relationship, mainly because of him and the exwife. So I'm just...numb. I'm almost to the point I don't really care anymore. I've stressed about it so much, I have to let it go. I can't control what he does. I can't control what he doesn't do. So I just have to focus on me, because that's what I can control.

All is well that ends well. How can I say that? Well, I know the Master I serve. And His Word assures me the victory, whether it's Dante or some other man who can truly appreciate and celebrate my worth, my heart, and my beautiful children!!!

Preconceived Notions

Why do people insist upon passing judgments? I just don't understand that. Dante told me he talked to his father about me the other day. What's funny is his father's main question once he learned that I had four children was "Is she looking for someone to take care of them?"

WTF????!!!! That's a lot of damn nerve to be quite frank about it! I mean of course that's what he would ask. Sadly, that's what most men would think. But is he also aware that currently his son is unemployed??? So Dad, if I was looking for someone to "take care" of us, I'd have dropped your son like a hot potato already, dontchathink???

What's frustrating is that I see Dante has those feelings as well. No matter how much I have tried to make it plain that I am the one to take care of my children, no one else! It's not like he's bought them clothes, paid my bills, took them out to eat more than maybe twice. I'm usually the one buying things for everyone. Everyone.

You know, the unemployed "financially unstable" one? I couldn't help that one!

As I am sitting here watching Tyler Perry's movie, Daddy's Little Girls and how this woman's friend was such a judgmental stuckup bee-otch who so easily passed judgment on this man because of his circumstances...and the woman was actually letting it affect her true shot at happiness. Even sadder is how the people who are close to us can give us their "opinion" and affect our decisions...possibly even our happiness. I can't say that I have never fallen victim to the fallout from other people's opinions in my life. What I can say is that I see that everyone is out for self, even if they have my 'best interest at heart', and that I am responsible for my happiness. I also see that the way something or someone appears on the outside is not always who they are on the inside.

Let's all strive to judge based on a person's character, not their circumstances!!!

My New Home!

Still Going Up!

Well, the exact thing that I wanted to happen is happening! I said that when (not if) I got a new place to live that it would have been so impossible to do on my own that God would get all the credit.
Glory to God!!!!
I didn't even get to see the inside of the house because the tenant didn't bother to be home! Whatever, minor detail. I looked in the windows. It's small, for sure. But the yard is massive. MASSIVE! Plus there is a deck back there and a shed/playhouse also. One bedroom is on one side of the house, and the other two are on the other side. I can already see a couple of little tweaks I want to do to it, but for the most part, it's perfect. And who knows, if the situation and price is right, then next year or so I can buy it and expand it!
I talked to the attorneys office today about the Cash for Keys program, and confirmed that the info is in their system. I talked to the real estate office who does the inspections...and passes the check on to me...and was advised they would call me as soon as the check is received. I told her I was hoping to leave earlier than the 18th if possible. Tenant is scheduled to leave my new house (HOUSE, not duplex, HOUSE) by the 25th. I am hoping for earlier, but we'll see on that.
Thank You God!!!
I feel like I can breathe a little easier now. I just have to finish getting this house cleared out. Now I have other things to be concerned about. Like not flunking my classes! So far, not good. I am past hoping for a B, and just at hoping to pass!!! But, I'm still happy!

And the Roller Coaster Continues...

Things are back on the upswing right now. Shocking, I know! Not just as far as the relationship goes, but just life in general. I am going to look at a house tomorrow that I am believing for and have already thanked God that it's mine. (In the name of Jesus) It's a very cute house, single-story, maybe 5 minutes tops from here...so the kids don't have to change schools. Huge fenced yard in the back, the owner says all appliances (including dishwasher, shhh don't tell the kids) are less than 2 years old. He is very pet friendly. Yay! It's in my budget, comfortably! He may even consider selling it in the near future, since it doesn't look like he'll be stationed back here again.
I have a moving truck to pick up tomorrow morning. My goal is to get the large stuff out mainly, then I can make small trips back and forth during the week for the boxes and misc items. We'll see. Cody is coming to help, which is great.
Relationship-wise, I am re-focused on doing what I do best. You see, I haven't been practicing what I preach. Let me elaborate on that for you.
I believe strongly in taking care of my man...in every way. However, I have sank in to this "let's see what he does for me" mode, and now I'm unhappy. Is anyone else shocked?
Me neither.
Do you know I haven't been to Memphis to see him since our getaway trip in March?? And before that was January I think?? Oh yes, there could be excuses for it. Unemployed, kids, babysitting, blah, blah, blah. But frankly, excuses aren't allowed. One of the biggest things I preach is that if YOU won't do it, there is another that will. That goes for male and female, mind you.
When he comes to see me, I barely even try to look attractive for him. I can be so organic sometimes that I'm like "this is me, take me as I am". But damn woman, the man hasn't seen you in 5 or 6 weeks. If you know he's coming, be smelling good and dressed cute with your hair fixed at least!!! If he won't make it in til after midnight, I have some very nice "nightwear". Even if he won't make it in til 10p, care enough about him and yourself to stay dressed and looking nice. Because honestly it really does show that you care. It says, "Hey, I think you're special enough to really put my best foot forward for you."
Who wouldn't want that??
He's in Alabama this weekend at a black softball tournament. I've talked to him a few times today so far. To tell the honest to goodness truth, I miss him when I don't see him and I love him when he's here. No matter what I try to say, I'm still in love with him. Which does in turn cause me to put my guard in place (if not really "up"), just in case he chooses to go a different route. I want him for the long haul, I can't deny that. But if that is the path we are to take, it has yet to be seen.
I hope whatever the thing is with the "other person", that it's done. I still feel I have the number 1 spot locked up. However, I don't plan to give some 20% chick a chance to look like 80% either. I am thinking at this point there is a 90% chance he's staying in Memphis. Only we can decide if we still have a chance, given the distance. (Before you ask, yes I would move there if things became permanent) I think it can work with the distance, even as far as us becoming closer emotionally. But that requires letting go of past issues that prevent us from moving forward in the present. Since the distance played a major role in his marriage to the ex, he doesn't want to do that again. What he needs to understand is that we are different people, we are at a different maturity level, we are allowing ourselves to become closer in the amount of communication we have, and the differences continue. I felt as if, from the stories he told me, they both put up such walls during the dating phase, that they didn't give each other a chance to really know the other person before they got married. Her thing was that she wasn't going to move where he was and not be married. His thing was if he went to this particular area he was to be stationed at alone, he would likely cheat. Those were both things that could have been overcome. Cheating is a conscious decision that can be stopped at anytime. For her, if she was single with no kids and not established in a job or college somewhere...what was the reason for not moving? Conversely, even over our distance, I feel we've seen each other at our best and worst...and we're still here! The truth is, it takes effort and maturity for any relationship to work, and I think we may both be willing to do that.
I will keep you posted!

Say a prayer about the house!

Lots of Discord

SO many things going crazy right now. School isn't going so well due to the stress of home-hunting and moving on the horizon. The home thing itself is enough to cause me to have an aneurism. And to top it all off, the relationship is sucking right now too. It may just be me, because I know I have some underlying feelings about him not coming home now. I'm mad and hurt and sad and disappointed and...

You get the picture!

I guess I'm getting to the point, after close to 2 years that I wonder "Is he the right one?" The next question to that, when I think that the answer is 'yes' is "How can we get closer when we're so far apart?". Then, on the days I think the answer is 'no' I wonder "Then why am I still here?"

I love him, and he tells me he loves me. I was in love with him, but he isn't in love with me. I say was, because I chose to no longer be in love with someone that wasn't in love with me. How can I do that, you may ask? I am a very complicated individual sometimes! I find myself sometimes putting my guard up, protecting my emotions from what I sometimes feel is imminent and inevitable heartbreak.

I've been pretty sure there were someone elses for a while now, but it's becoming more and more apparent to me. I feel that as time goes on, maybe he is also realizing that we are all we can ever be and is shopping around for what he thinks will satisfy him. I think pretty highly of myself, especially as a mate, and I'm not really thinking there's a better option but, such as life!

Maybe he's just playing his own emotions (which I rarely see) close to the hip because of the pain he's had to deal with the past few years, ultimately leading to his marital demise. Maybe he loves me more than he is willing to let on...even to himself. Maybe he'll look at the outside stuff (4 kids, not "financially stable", no 9-5 job) and let that be enough to tell him I'm not the right woman.

What a mistake that would be. Or maybe he's already found what he wanted in G.McElrath ("Good Morning Baby" text), and is just biding his time with me until he's sure about her.

It could be vice-versa too, though. Just a thought...


Gotta go! Going to see a man about a house! Fingers crossed!

Pushed Away

Ever get the feeling you're being pushed away? Maybe it's just PMS, but that's how I feel. Dante came in this weekend and well, let's say we've had MUCH better visits before. This one, I was more like a pit stop or afterthought for him. He stopped in Friday and I took him to get a state ID. We saw each other for a total of maybe 45 minutes. I expected him to come back that night and....well, he did...sort of. If you could call sending a text at 230a to say 'I'm on my way' "night". Thank goodness he had a key, so at least I didn't have to get up.
He was gone by 930a later that morning. Didn't hear from him all day until I get an urgent call to go look for some cousin's drunk-driving girlfriend. Never found her, she had apparently made it home. I guess he called because where she was supposedly located was around the corner from me. Did I get a call later? Did I get a "Goodnight Punkin" text? Nope. I sure as hell didn't get a visit since it was pre-cycle time (which for me is like cycle-time when sex is induced)! I got a "Good Morning Punkin" text at 1030a, to which I replied the same. I text again a bit later and got nothing. Then finally he calls since he was at the house (I was at Leigh's). I came home and asked if he wanted to go get pizza with me and the kids. He said he was tired and wanted to sleep (I expected a no), so we left. Hey, he didn't put any plans on hold for me, so why should I?
We went back a bit later and he was still sleep. He woke up, ate, and then basically told me he was heading back to Memphis. Last I remembered, he was planning to stay a few days at least! I gave him a hug and a peck, wished him safe travels, told him to call when he got home, and that was that.

What would you be thinking at this point? Maybe you've been thinking it all along and I've been the slow one to catch up? Maybe it's PMS, and I could be a little more understanding about the transition he's going through right now. Marine career ending, official divorce only 6 months old, etc, etc. Haven't I been "understanding" enough though, seriously?? I just don't expect after seeing each other for almost two years for him to still be so casual. This guy that I saw this visit, this "I-can-take-her-or-leave-her guy"? Didn't care for him AT ALL. Would be really great to NEVER see him again! Honestly, by the time he was leaving, I was so upset with his regard for me (or lack thereof) this visit that I could barely stand to look at him. (warning: emotions possibly exaggerated by PMS)

One final thought: Is it too much to ask to have somebody love and care for me as much and as passionately as I do for them?

Interesting Few Days

Such ups and downs, mentally and emotionally. And it actually has nothing to do with my relationship with Dante for once! Shocking, I know!

School started back for me on Monday and the kids started their half day today. So far so good!
I just finished working a quick shift before time to go get the kids.

Fighting depression is hard work. We'll talk more later...

Funny How Things Happen

Never did talk to Dante that Monday night. He sent me a text early yesterday morning asking was I working. No. So he called a few minutes later. We talked a bit. I mentioned how he didn't talk to me all day and he said he was mad. Are you kidding me? You're getting messy and I call you on it, and you're mad? Of course he never admitted to wrong doing or having anyone there, but I refused to let my intuition be squelched. I do not discount my intuition, it's there for a reason. We had a discussion and he said very palinly that he wasn't looking to be in a relationship when and if he came home. Damn! Did I just get hit in the gut? So after almost two years I suppose he's just gonna be content "hittin' it" when he wants some and spending time if he feels like it?
Yes I did ask him that.
He replied that's not what he meant. I was feeling pretty crummy at that point because hey, he told me point blank he wasn't ready to be in a relationship. If I decide to stay in it, I can't bitch and moan at all because I made the choice to do so. Then I had the feeling of "what the hell have I been doing all this time but fooling myself?", which made things worse. He had to call his boss or something so we ended the conversation. I was holding back the waterworks at that point, not to let him know of course!
I talked to Leigh and was telling her about it, and we talked about a few other things. Then after we got off the phone I decided I wasn't going to spend the day moping. One way or the other, life goes on!
Dante called back and I was a lot more casual and chipper this time around. Wayne called but I ignored it. Then I got a knock at the door. I assumed it was the mailman with some package I had ordered. Well, I was half right! Wayne was at the door!
I told Dante I would call him back and then gave Wayne a hug. And I stayed there, with tears falling from my eyes, I just held on. That was exactly what I needed at that moment.
Confused? Let me explain.

Ever been in sad or crappy mood, or your favorite song comes on the radio? Even been smack dab in the midst of a pity party, and get a call from a good friend or a family member? Then you know how I felt when Wayne showed up.

Between the talk with my sister and the talk with Wayne, I was feeling pretty good again. I called Dante back after Wayne left and then continued the conversation from earlier. What I found out is that because he is determined not to do what he did with the ex-wife, it's blurring his vision on his current situation. You can't drive forward and look backward...and not expect to have an accident! It turns out, we are actually on the same page as far as if he comes home. I told him I'm not expecting us to move in together, him to spend every night here, or even for us to see each other every day. Apparently that's what he thought I expected. (Again, see ME, not the EX) However, I did tell him that what I absolutely will not tolerate is sharing him with other women. I do expect this to be a monogamous relationship, which includes the ceasing and desisting of the inappropriate text and "stuff" from other females that want to be with him.

However, since he still doesn't know if he will be coming home to live, we had another part to discuss. I told him that I've been a real trooper about our "long distance arrangement", though I have NEVER liked it. He agreed. I took a 'big girl pill' and told them that if he does stay there, I can't see us going any further than we are. Since we both agreed that we need to be in closer proximity to see if we have a viable chance at long term, the continued distance would be a death sentence to that. I told him I could not see being the way we've been for another 2 years. I told him that since we were friends first I would assume we would stay friends, but that I couldn't continue for too much longer in this relationship, knowing we were as far as we could go in our current situation.
It was a little tough, but just like he is all about doing what's best for him right now, so am I. Wondering if a mark is really a burn or a hickey; wondering why there are earrings on the living room floor; wondering about the shower cap in the bathroom when the occupant is BALD. Yeah, can't see doing that for the next two years. And if he can't see being completely monogamous even with the distance, it will not work for me.

Now we just have to wait and see what he decides about where he's gonna live for the next few years. I can only assume that since his lease will be up in October, he should be deciding by late September. We'll see.

I Am The Prize

I have to remind myself of that today, and everyday from now on. Today has been very difficult as far as relationships go. I discovered last night that everytime I talked to Dante yesterday, he was mobile. I even tested the theory when he arrived home last night. Before he got to his apartment, he got off the phone with me. He told me he would be fixing him something to eat and headed to bed. It was 930P!!! I even tried to play-pout and ask would he at least call me to say goodnight. He said he couldn't do it. I waited until I knew for sure he was in the house and settled, about 10 min, then I called his cell.
He didn't answer.
He called back within 1 or 2 minutes, while he was walking to the mailbox. He says it dawned on him that he hadn't gotten his mail. Who thinks of mail on Sunday night?! How could he NOT think I would pick up on that??? Once again, off the phone before he went inside. Again I ask: How could NOT THINK I would pick up on that???
I began to fume about it, and about 45minutes later I called the home and cell numbers about 4 times.
He didn't answer.
He sent me a text this morning at 620a. It questioned if I thought that then I must think that every night, right? Nice Try...but no. I called this morning before I started work at 7a.
He didn't answer.
I got a text a bit later saying he went running. Then, after a short but very involved text chat while I was working, he dropped off the face of the earth. I haven't heard from him since about 10a this morning. It's 934p!
I called once this afternoon, and he didn't answer. Do you think I'm calling again anytime soon?

Then you better think again. I am very nice and understanding and always trying to take the higher ground. But hell, how well has that worked out for me?! I can be stubborn too! I have called him almost 10 times with no return call since last night. If he wants me, he knows how to find me.

Again I say: I Am The Prize.

What does that mean? It means I may not be perfect (as noone is) but I am a damn good woman. My finances may not be great, but I have never been one to be taken care of by a man. Hell, most of the time, I'm the one giving out money!! Any man in his right mind would be a fool to pass me up, because rarely will they find better. A lady in the streets? Check. A freak in the sheets? Check. One to take home to mama? Check. One to cook for you? One to spoil you day and night? Check. One who's willing to be the "background to your foreground"? Check. (Trust me, not many black women will go for that)

It's been their loss. The vast majority of them see it when it's too late. I wonder is Dante gonna be a smart as I give him credit for.

School Shopping Blows...and other news

For the last two days, I have been clothes shopping for the delightful children. Total, minus shoes? $300!! Ouch!! Payless BOGO starts Tuesday, so that will be even more money. But I am definitely going to try and recoup some from Wayne at least. I finally got my tire fixed yesterday also, at the cost of choir day and choir rehearsal. I am so bummed about that. Not to mention another $200 for 2 tires (yep, just 2) and an oil change.

OUCH!!

Sad thing is I still have to get shoes AND all the other BS school supplies like wipes and hand sanitizer, and reams of copy paper! WTF??

What did I buy for me, you ask? A fifty cent Reese's at Wal-Mart on the last day! Not a STITCH of clothing, not even a spool of thread. So what? That's motherhood for you! My hair is shedding due to poor maintainence, my artificial nails are falling off because I am so past due for a fill-in. But the kids will look great when it's time to head back to school!!

Whatever. I'll get to me soon enough.

Summer is Winding Down

It doesn't look like there will be any more trips this summer for us. I'm glad we had such an awesome time at HolidayWorld last month!

In less than 2 weeks, we will all be back in school again. Bruzer will be starting Kindergarten and DJ will be starting junior high! I'll be moving on up the college ladder, heading towards being a junior! I am so excited! It's nice to hear my mom and my sister say they're proud of me. I'm pretty proud of me too, as a matter of fact. Noone can get me where I want to be, but me. There is no such thing as a "knight in shining armor". I am not giving up on the fact that I will be married again someday, but sometimes I just don't believe it will be what I am hoping for. Right now, it's about me and the kids. Period. My fantasies no longer consist of the "nuclear family" (ie, man, woman and kids), but more like a 3000-plus sq ft home with a late-year GMC Yukon Denali XL in the garage, and my home office in walk-out basement! lol

No, seriously!

Work is going well. I'm still keeping it as a "side gig" kinda thing, because I know I can't expect to live off this money long term. It definitely pays the household bills, that's for sure! I'm also kicking up advertising and maketing efforts with the travel and admin aspects of my business. I have t-shirts that I wear frequently with the travel company on it. I am currently looking for a great price on embroidered polos, for the admin portion for a less casual look. I still want to get lettering put on the van windows, but all things in good time.

I feel so liberated not always worrying about the relationship stuff. It really weighs me down. I mean honestly, Dante is great and we enjoy each other, but I think we both know that at this time neither is us is what the other would consider "marriage material". With him just coming out of an unsuccessful 13 year marriage, he's too focused sometimes on what he doesn't want rather than what he wants. He also feels that he put so much of his plans on hold for the sake of this other person and it didn't work out that now it's all about him! It's natural, and I understand it, but it does suck for me sometimes.

Me? Not perfect. I am not employed outside the home, which I think is a big thing for him. He says it's just about making money period...but he also SAID he wouldn't mind having a housewife again! (He no longer recalls those words) I know for sure that some people are hard-wired for the j.o.b. world, but as I have made crystal clear I am not one of them! Yes, I will do whatever I have to to ensure survival for me and my children, if necessary. But my first priority at 35 years old is now pursuing happiness and reaching for my dreams in the process. Pretty much NONE of that includes working a j.o.b. I sometimes wonder if he can truly accept that, and that's a BIG part of who I am. But, until he moves past remembering what he doesn't want from what he experienced with his ex, he won't be able to see me for who I am.
We are both going through transitions in our lives right now, his more obvious than mine. Now is not the time to really make lifelong decisions, because neither of us are ready. I never want to be made to feel "less than" or inadequate. He said something to me a couple of months ago that was so hurtful, and was along those lines. It still rattles around in my head at times, though I knew it was out of spite and anger. So, for whoever my future spouse is, I don't EVER want to feel like that on a regular basis! E-V-E-R!!! I've always prided myself on being independent and always able to provide for myself and kids without a man's help. That won't change. If it does, and I come across a guy that doesn't mind having someone take care of home while he makes the bacon, so be it. That's what God intended anyway. Why is that so hard to understand?

I will always have my business though, "housewife" or not. I will achieve my business goals, for me, my family, and my children to see. No Excuses.

He Really Does Care!

Okay, so I know I have been complaining about Dante not being as emotional with me as I would like. I mean the "Big Three Words" are rarely exchanged, sometimes to the point of making me wonder if he really does. I even asked the other day for clarification.
Then he turns around and comes into town and surprises me!
Then he tells me he's already on the road headed back to Memphis, and then shows up at my door once again on Sunday after my choir day!
I think I may keep him after all! LOL

Church was AWESOME!! I tell you what, I never thought it could be like this!! Being on that choir stand, singing and praising and worshipping with other like-minded people...more powerful than I could have ever imagined! Being in the choir at my old church was NOTHING like this! The presence of God is there! He gave me this gift, and I get to give it back to him and to others all for his glory!!! I truly believe I would like to move toward being a frontline member in the next year or so!

I would definitely have to say this was a great weekend!

Surprise, Surprise!

Well, Dante did it again! He told me on Friday that he was going to a
wedding with a friend of his. He also told me not to expect to see him
until like August. I was having a meloncholy day yesterday about my
feelings. I was really frustrated because he's not as emotional as I
would like. I mean, 'I love you' doesn't flow very freely in this
relationship. AT ALL.
I talked to him that morning and he said he was heading to the office
for a bit. I worked 2 hours and we were having a text conversation
about love. Then we talked on the phone and he told me that he just
has never neen the type to really talk about emotions. Bummer.
He sent me a message to see if I wanted to join him in a webchat...a
private chat, if you will. So I'm trying to set my webcam up on the
laptop in the bedroom and I hear footsteps coming down the hallway. My
first thought was wondering why Bruzer had his shoes on. It wasn't my
child.
It was Dante!!!!
He surprised me and drove into town! Let me just say I didn't know how
much I missed him until I felt him close to me. I can say he felt the
same way!!

He came back later in the evening to tell me they were hitting a
little club near me. I convinced him to stay with me just a bit
longer! (wink)

Today is my long church day and I don't expect to see him today before
he leaves. That's why I had to make the most of yesterday!!

Test

Just checking

Sent from my iPhone

School's Out!

Finals are over! Yay!! I did great on one (Spanish) and I am just praying for a 'C' on the other! I spent the day at Scott AFB taking the proctored (read: supervised) exams at their Park extension campus. Yes, many airmen. Yes, many men in their uniforms. Yes, there is something about a man in uniform. No, none of them looked as good to me as Dante does in his! I guess I really am sprung on this guy huh?

I am on break until mid-August, that's when my College Algebra and Intro to Human Resources will begin. I take Spanish II the second part of fall semester. Moving right along...I'll have all my credits before you know it! Then my family will caravaning to Parkville, MO to watch me graduate!

I plan to take this few weeks to read a few books I believe. Some fiction, some business-help books, defininely my new bible too! August will be here before I know it! Once the kids are in school, I do plan to kick my hours up quite a bit at Sears. I missed my hours yesterday because of trying to finish the term paper that, had I looked at my Park email I would've known, wasn't due until today!!! Originally, it was due Sunday by midnight. So, being the procrastinator that I am, I began writing Sunday evening. I finally went to bed at 4a, woke up at 630a and started over again! I finished about noon. Not bad for a 10-page paper complete with citations, a table of contents, plus reference and cover pages. Would have been better if I could've used that time to study more!!!

I'll let you know my grades when I know!

In a Good Place

I'm still in the same duplex, and I am fine with it. I looked and looked, I mean literally driving street to street. Nothing was fruitful. I was so stressed, it was all consuming. I talked to my neighbor one night coming home. She asked me did I have any luck yet finding a place. We basically shared each other's sentiment that there's nothing out there in a 3 bedroom in our budget and remotely close to our part of town. I know some may not understand it, but it's not easy to move when you have children and uproot them from their school. I thought I was stressed, she said she was having anxiety attacks about it. I knew at that point that I had to let it go and pray that whoever buys this place wants to fix it up a bit with the tenants still living here. That's my prayer and that's what I'm believing for.

School is going well. Finals are next week. I am a little nervous about it. I need to let the TV go for the next few days and really hit the books HARD. I get a few weeks break then I start back for fall semester.

I have decided that not only will I truly launch my travel company, but I will actively seek clients for my admin business as well. Hey, unemployment don't last forever you know. I believe down to the core of my being that this is what I was meant to do. Now is the time.

The relationship front is still what it is. We are still at our same point, where we have been for quite a while. Not really moving forward, but not moving backward either. I suppose that's good. Dante really does want to stay where he is in Memphis, which I understand completely. Selfishly I don't like it, but I realize that it's not only about me. This is his life to live. Either he will see the possibility in 'us' to want to take this further - whether he is back here at home or still in Memphis - or he will not, and we will both move on. See? No stress about it. I have made my point very clear to him. I even posted the question to him the other what will happen between us if he does stay in Memphis. I got no answer, which wasn't surprising. I know he's thought about in the back of his mind, and one day I will find out what he thinks. Until then, all is well.

Patience really does help with the blood pressure levels!

Recovering

It's been a not-so-great couple of days. I just want to crawl under a rock right now. Just found out today online that Wayne and 'that girl' got married over a month ago...and he didn't tell me. That really upset and hurt me. It upset me because we've had countless discussions about the need for us not to lie to each other, we're past that stage in our lives (or so I thought). It also upset me because I know he didn't marry her for the right reasons. I will even admit that it hurt because he didn't tell me, and a little (deep down) hurt because I don't want him with anyone else. Even if I'm not with him and don't plan to be with him. I think deep down, he's always been my 'backup plan'. Like if none of the other relationships that I try work, I know it would work with him. (cause it has so well before!)

Psychotic? Maybe a little.

Then my DisneyWorld client is upset at me and probably won't use me again. The thing is that it's not my fault. We discussed her options and what she would get with each plan and she chose to go the lower price route. I knew she would regret it, but there's only so much convincing I can do. But of course now it's my fault and I've been hung up on today by both her and her mother who's traveling with her! I let it get to me for a while and then I had to regroup. But by time I talked to Dante later, he comes up with his opinions/rules on what I should do with my business and it kinda got under my skin. I know his type, because I have a sister and a friend that way. They like to be right and their opinion should be widely accepted as fact, regardless of the topic. Most times I am content to be to quiet one to say 'yes dear' and we move on to another topic.

Not today. Not over MY business. Not about something that I know that I know that I know I know about!! Business, customer behavior and travel?? So I stepped up a bit to voice my opinion along with him voicing his and the conversation went longer than was intended, but he conceded. It doesn't happen very often, but I couldn't let this go by.

I am still in a flux about this living situation, but I finally balanced out a little later on today. I am thankful daily for the house the Lord has already blessed me with...I just don't know where it is yet! A minor detail, a mere technicality, but it is already mine.

Finding out about Wayne marriage was yet another kick in the gut. It's like why not me? The guys I date or see or whatever you want to call it seem content to marry someone else but not me. Should I have a complex about that?

Don't worry I won't. One could look now and say that it's because of my job situation. NOT! That's only been a year now. One could say it's the amount of children I have. Bullcrap is my response since the New Guy married a woman with 4 kids before me and after me too!!! I guess I'll go with the old standby line....

It's just not my time yet. That is getting SO OLD!

I don't really know where Dante is sometimes, and I don't he knows either. One minute he can see things progressing and we are a great fit and blah-blah-blah. Then he starts with the "I can't go backwards" thing and it all unravels back to where I feel completely uncertain about a future together.

So much of my life is tumultuous and uncertain right now, and between PMS and that fact it's really taking its toll.

What About Me? What About Us?

I have a lot to talk about. Mainly the awesome time we had in Indiana at HolidayWorld the past couple of days! I will definitely be going back next year! But that post is for another time.

The reason for that post title is because I just got off the phone with Dante. We were talking about his reluctance to leave Memphis and how, if all things in his situation were straight, he would stay there. Yes, he did point out that that was something I may not have wanted to hear. It's true. I like the fact that he can talk to me about these things so openly (when asked). But it also makes me wonder: what - if any - future does he see for us?

At some point I was cautiously starting to look forward to him being here on an everyday basis, though the anxiety was still there. But tonight I point blank asked if he could find a way to stay in Memphis would he, and the answer was easily yes.

What have we been doing for the last 2 years? Killing time? Was I the only one that saw this as going somewhere? Didn't I make it clear I'm not a casual dater? That I date with the intent of an eventual marriage?We talked enough that I know I made that point crystal clear.
I can really start to see this selfish side of him right now. I do not in any way mean selfish in a bad way, because I totally understand the reasons behind his motives. He feels like there were so many things that he wasn't able to do or accomplish when he was married that he wanted to do, and now he feels this is his time to do those things with noone standing in the way. Yes, I totally get it. But that doesn't mean I have to like it. Because what that leaves me with is this nagging question echoing in the corners of my mind (in the voice of Rae Dawn Chong from The Color Purple):

"What about me?"

Blessings From Above!!

So I was checking my email from Park and got an interesting email about an ACH refund being processed. So I went to check my bank account and lo and behold! There was a good size deposit in there!!! I wasn't even aware I was getting a Pell grant, but that's what it was! What a blessing!!!
Now I don't have to worry as much! I can put that aside for my moving fund. I was able to get my car fixed today so that it can go on the road to HolidayWorld on Sunday. AND that was almost $200 less than originally quoted (same mechanic too)!!!

Today was the good news I needed!

Anxiety

Please bear with me today. I have a mountain of anxiety building up and I feel like this volcano is about to blow its top off soon.

Why so much anxiety? Well, I am supposed to be going on a trip with the kids and my sisters to Holiday World in a few days. As of today, I have the money. However, that money also needs to cover getting my car repaired (otherwise it's not 4-hr highway driveworthy), plus hotel, plus admission, PLUS gas, PLUS food. That would also leave me mostly broke for the rest of the week. But the thought of letting the kids down like that is just too much. There's also the fact that this is the first of the month, and I really need to start holding this money aside for either rent to my new bank landlord, or as a deposit for a new place. Speaking of new places, there's another piece of anxiety. I want to move into a house, and I want it to be here in the same school district, because I don't want my kids to have to change schools again. There is the anxiety of having to apply again for a home, knowing I will face the obstacle of non-traditional income. But I promise you this, I will make a way when that time comes...whether I am completely truthful or not. I have nowhere else to go.

There's the anxiety that my unemployemtn will run out sooner than later, and I must be able to replace that income. I do plan to remain a full time student, and I know I can live off that money but just barely. I do not plan to get rid of Sears so that could very well be an additional $700 or so a month, yet still not nearly enough. I know it's time to crap or get off the toilet. It's press time, it's time to relentlessly pursue clients and income. It doesn't help that everytime I have a serious conversation with the man I've been with for the past year and a half plus (and that I assume will lead to a longer-term commitment), I am reminded of my financial inadequacy. No, no, he doesn't say it directly. Well, except that one time he was mad. But, it's the constant reminder of him not wanting to "go backwards"...because his ex-wife didn't work for a large part of their marriage. What's annoying is that when we talked about how he felt about a housewife a few times previously, he said he had not problem with it. But it seems as things get more serious between us, he didn't really mean what he said. Now to get this straight, I am not expecting a white knight to come and rescue me and my children and completely take care of us (though I may not complain if it happens:) ). But the way I feel is this, there is no reason for a woman with no children to not be going to work everyday unless she is physically or mentally unable to. That statement may be a blow to women's lib or WHATEVER, but that's how I feel. Especially since now, I have to bear the ill-feelings of it.

Then there's the anxiety of him coming home, and what that will do to our relationship. Certain things I allowed because of the distance will no longer be okay with me. I'm not a casual dater, so I am hoping he realizes that there is a "goal" in mind for this relationship. Will we survive that? Some don't, that's just reality. I worry that he'll be so deadset against what he doesn't want based on his relationship with the ex that our relationship will become collateral damage.

Soon I will have some good news. I promise.

Sometimes I Wonder

Sometimes I wonder if what happened in Dante's past has ruined him forever.
Sometimes I wonder if he still looks at this as a casual thing, or if takes it seriously.
Sometimes I wonder will he ever just open up and allow himself to love and be loved HARD again.

Time will reveal (but hopefully not too much time)

My First Choir Day

I've been awake now for half an hour. Getting ready to wake the kids for this very long day at church. This was definitely a larger commitment than I would have planned on. I like the idea of doing everything in one day...until you take into account the single mom with noone else to watch her children. They don't have childcare first service, so I will have to rely on my oldest two heavily.
One thing I am sure of, is that the Lord will completely work it out!

I have a very full day to day. The school semester is half over and because of a missed quiz in Spanish and a missed discussion in Management, my grades are in the toilet. I know I can pull it back up though. The good thing is that I'm not working today, so I can spend some time with my family then complete my schoolwork as well. This would be a great time to have that go-anywhere wireless card for my laptop.

Hitting the showers, will let you know how I do!

A Day of Losses

Farrah Fawcett lost her 2 year battle with cancer this morning at 62 years of age.

Then, this afternoon and out-of-the-blue Michael Jackson collapsed and died today at the age of 50! He would have been 51 in a couple of months.

My prayers to their families for God's Comforting Hand to get them through this time. I keep thinking about poor Katherine losing her son. I know they'll be okay though, as long as they have God on their side.

Rest in Peace. Amen.

Brighter Days

Today was a new thing for me. I taught my first youth group Wednesday night class for grades 4-6! I think the kids were bored out of their mind, and I think I could have done A LOT better but....I Did It!! I'm so proud of myself for doing so! I will end up teaching once a month because the other lady and I alternate weeks teaching. Wow, I'm doing this! All steps to my God-given path!
Keep this up and I may actually get my business going too!

In addition, Dante and I hashed out out issue last night...after NOT talking all day. I won't go into all the details, but I will say he's got some baggage that he needs to unpack eventually. It was truly a case of one person reminding you of something another person (that hurt you) used to do. You completely overreact to the new person! I explained to him as understandingly as I could that I am not her, he's known me for enough time to know that I am not that way, and I don't want to be punished for things she did or didn't do.

You know the suck thing about long distance arguments?? It ruins the make-up period!!

Now, for the biggest part of this post:

Transformers 2 was OMFG Awesome!!!!!!

It was so far beyond what I could have expected! Action, comedy, drama, and I even got a little misty-eyed at one point! As much as I L-O-V-E the first one, I can honestly say this one is even better!!! Just go see it!!!

p.s. Happy Birthday Sensation! Love You Man!

This Has Not Been A Good Day

It started out okay. DJ went on his overnight camping trip. That was fine.

I found out I wouldn't get to make up a spanish quiz I missed Saturday. Not fine.

Work started out going well, then halfway through my shift my DSL croaked! I missed the last hour of that shift, no showed an hour and a half of the next shift before I was finally able to give up the rest of my hours that day. I have a service tech coming sometime tomorrow, since they couldn't solve the problem over the phone. Anytime between 8a-5p, which means I had to give up my shifts for tomorrow also. VERY, VERY NOT FINE.

Had a nice time at my friend Ann's house. She braided the girls' hair and we watched a couple of Tyler Perry movies. Turns out she and Dante went to all the same catholic schools growing up...and graduated the same year. Small world yet again!

Speaking of, Dante and I surely didn't end on a good note tonight. I asked him a question about some money that I loaned him and he just completely bit my head off!! My guess is that I upset him by asking about it (not for it, just about it), since it was hard for him to ask me in the first place. So what does he do, makes a crack about "that's why I need someone financially stable...."
Blah, blah, blah is all I heard after that. Needlesstosay, we didn't stay on the phone but a few more minutes after that. After I sat here for about 5 minutes, I called him back to kind of apologize if I made him feel uncomfortable by asking about it. Guess who didn't answer my call?!

That honestly hurt for him to say something so purposely cruel like that. So I told him just don't worry about it, I don't need it, and I'm not as financially destitute as he seems to think I am! Yeah, that was my reaction to what he said. Hurt and offended deeply.

None of us are perfect. I'll sleep on it and tomorrow's a new day.

The Best Revenge for Naysayers?

PROVE THEM WRONG!!!!

Did I Mention I Was Dramatic!!

Okay, okay. Let's blame most of the last couple of days on hormones, shall we? Thanks for understanding.

I talked to Dante finally this evening at about 7p, which was VERY shocking because that's totally not like him. I mean honestly, even if he was with someone else, most likely I wouldn't know because we'd be texting most of the day. So this was completely abnormal. I went from being pissed off thinking that all of a sudden he had completely switched personalities to become this rude and calloused player to being worried that he was perhaps moping because today was Father's Day and he was hoping to be a father by now. OR that something had actually happened to him.

It was the Father's Day thing. Plus the fact that he played in a softball tournament yesterday from 8a until almost 8p...in about 95 degree weather! He was completely drained from that, as was the rest of the team. He said they got together around 4p today to watch the US Open...cause that's what time most of them were waking up!!!

So I am much better now. I am planning one final trip down there at the end of July. He would be home about 3 weeks after that. I did mean the things I said about the other women and excessive texts and all that. While I will try to be patient enough to let him make it through this transition, I will let him know there are things that will no longer be acceptable. He'll have me as much as he wants (literally and figuratively). Therefore, there is no longer a need for conversations with anyone else that calls you baby, sweetie, lover, or any other pet name BUT ME!!!! Be friends from a distance, say 'hey' every now and again...but I expect those women to be phased out of his life. Not my girl June though, he can definitely keep her! She's cool as a fan. He definitely made me feel comfortable around her, and I love him for that. Heck, come to think of it, I love him for a lot of things!

I am really screwing up in school right now! Week 4 (ie halfway point) is starting now and I will be back on track!!! Nothing less than a 'B'. Nothing less than a 'B'. Nothing less than a 'B'.

Gotta Get Back To Normal

Freaking out today. Because I haven't heard from Dante since yesterday afternoon. I missed his call last night at about 720p while I was outside at grandmother's house. I called back when I saw it at 8p but no answer home or cell. Sent a goodnight text message at 11p. Nada. He sent a good morning text at about 7a to say he had passed out last night, he just woke up but was still sleepy so he would "ttyl". Just because of the mood I'm in and the things I'm feeling I responded simply, "K".

I've called more than once to both phones and I've sent a text since then...and it's now 3P in the afternoon!

Of course I'm thinking he's with another woman!!! With all that I've told you....you would think it too! Could it be the 'hater' Shontell (real name cuz I don't care jack about her!)? Or perhaps it's the newest (or not as new as I think) player with the 'good morning baby' text I saw last week?

The world may never know....

I've got to get my head together! I can't live like this for the next 2 months!

Trying to Be Better

I have so much going on in my head right now. I'm a little better than I was the other day, but not much. Unfortunately, we had a conversation about 'most men' thinking a woman with four kids is "damaged goods". Of course he assured me that he doesn't think that way, but most of the men he's talked to wouldn't even give a woman with 4 kids the time of day. I assured him that I have no problem getting the time of day in the past or the present! Honestly, my hang up was more to do with the stigma I put on my own self, not anything someone else has said. I have never been rejected due to the amount of children I have.

I know that his intention was not to date a woman with children, as my intention was not to date a man that didn't have any. But, I feel like we are so good for each other that apparently we would've BOTH missed out had we held onto that belief!

In other news, I am torn on the workfront. There are now other opps coming up that I can possibly train for (if selected), but I don't know if I want to tie up so much of my time that way. If I have two opps, plus school, plus household, plus church responsibilities...then when would I have time for my business??? I have an opportunity to make more money with my business most definitely, so I know I should concentrate on that. So I'm trying to focus on that, and breaking down this fear factor I still have.

Plus, let's not forget that the possible sale date for this place is coming in less than two weeks. So that's a big peice of anxiety for me right now. I mean thankfully, because of the bill the prez passed, I wouldn't be forced to leave (if at all) until October at the earliest. That gives me some relief.

I'm just in a place of anxiety and discomfort right now, and I have to change what I can and accept what I can't. Right?

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6

AMEN

He Came, He Went, We Enjoyed Thoroughly

Dante left yesterday morning. It was a very good visit. As I mentioned before, he also found out he did not get promoted so he will getting out of the military in a couple of months. Because he has so much leave still on the books, he will actually be home around mid-August for good. I know! It's hard to believe that after almost 2 years, this won't be a long distance relationship anymore!

Yes, that does bring on a bit of anxiety...for both of us. I assume that now that we will closer geographically, then things should begin to progress more for us relationally and emotionally. Then I also worry that we won't cut it as a couple if he's close. What if he gets here and after a few months of the day-to-day life, realize this really isn't what he wants. I've been told a time or three that it's not me, it's getting used to someone with kids that's a big issue for him. I told him last night not to prolong the inevitable in an attempt not to hurt me, because those "best intentions" are usually what cause more pain in the end. I'm just being honest.

We had a great talk before he left, well into the wee hours of the morning. I finally told him something I had been wanting to say for a very long time. I told him I really hated his phone! Not the brand, or the way it rings, but the way it makes me feel. I told him I actually feel like I have to compete with the phone. Not so much because he's always on it, but moreso because I don't know what other women I am competing with on the other end! We talked until almost 2 in the morning...and do you know he was still getting text messages that whole time!!! I realize now that I should have been furious at the time, but I try to be so slow to anger that I probable hurt myself more than anything. What I should have done is got up and walked the hell outta the room! I would NEVER do that to him! When did I become such a doormat! That was not okay! As I told him that night, when that phone is going off all day and night, I KNOW it's not a Marine texting! I still don't think that was a Marine taking up all of MY TIME when we were at dinner in Atlanta that night! Talk about feeling "not good enough"!!! Honestly, if I come in the room and see him on that phone it bothers me instantly, because I know who it probably is.

I even made a point to tell him that my phone and my life is open to him. He can pick up my phone at any time and look in it...CAUSE I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE. Guess who can't say the same thing? His phone is locked and password protected! Which I very clearly pointed out makes me assume there's something in there he doesn't want me to see! Didn't get a response to that one...shocking! What I was trying to get across to him is that I made the decision to be committed to him...and ONLY him. I expected that by now we would be on the same page. Then he reminds me of the "understanding" that we had about me knowing that he has women friends that he talks to and hangs out with.

I'm gonna stop now because I am getting a little upset just writing about it! I feel like the more I "talk" this out it makes me realize that I have been allowing this man to cheat on me and disrespect me. Just in case it's not clear how he's disrespected me:

While you're with the woman you say you love and care for deeply, you can't stop sending text messages back and forth to at least one woman who very obviously wants to be in a relationship with you, that you are calling 'your friend'. Well when she sends text messages that say 'Are You Okay Baby' (yeah, that one) ...she is obviously trying to be (or maybe already is) more than a friend! It's disrespectful to the person you are with to even allow a situation like that to persist. Noone else should be sending messages to you saying 'Good Morning Baby' (I looked once, different person) but the person you are involved with...PERIOD!!!!! But that's just MY opinion!

I'll try to be more positive later, I promise! I really did enjoy our time together...and that fact that he spent basically the WHOLE VISIT here with me and the kids was awesome! I wouldn't have even dreamed about asking that! He gave me a break and took the the kids out to eat. That shows me that he's really trying on that front. I know how it is when you are completely set against something, it can take a while to get to the other side. I just hope he understands that he won't be just 'my husband' if it progresses to that point. He will be a father figure to some of my kids and a full-on dad to the others. That costs nothing but time and emotions. I've been taking care of my kids alone for a while now, so I'm not looking at him like a gravy train. I'm looking for someone who can make that all-important emotional connection with them. A surefire way to my heart is through my kids.

I Finally Did It!

I joined choir at church today! I actually had a dream about going to choir practice on Friday night, and opened email on Saturday to tell me there would be an informational meeting on Sunday! You're right! I definitely took that as my cue!

What a huge commitment this will be! We have 3 services and the choir performs at all three on the 2nd and 4th Sunday of the month. Then after service, we have rehearsal from 1-3p! I told you, a big commitment! I'm ready though! God gave me the gift and I will use it to worship Him! I'm even stretching out farther by being a soprano!

Church was awesome today! The pastor is on a "Fear To Faith" series which is definitely hitting home! I've been using my iPod during church as my bible, which is so cool!

Back to Work

Well, I passed my certification, so I am officially on the phones now! WooHoo!! My first day taking calls was today...not-so-great. My talk time was extremely high, which made me feel like a failure. I will continue to work on that. Classes are going okay so far. Finishing up training put my schoolwork on the back burner a bit. I should be ok though, gotta stay dedicated.

My Sweetie made it into town Thursday! It's his 20year high school reunion this weekend, so that was the main reason he was here. He also found out yesterday that he didn't get promoted like he had hoped, so he will be getting out of the USMC in a few months. I really felt for him and I wish I could have done more to cheer him up. We've been mainly just enjoying each other's company, it's really great.

He did a very awesome thing tonight, which was take my four brats plus his neice and nephew to Dave & Buster's to eat and play! Told me he was giving me a break! Yes, I know!!!! SO SWEET! He will definitely be rewarded for that! (wink)

He out doing more reunion stuff now. I kinda felt weird that he didn't think to invite me to anything. I mean, if it was me, I would definitely invite the person that I am with. Maybe that's just me though. Perhaps he just didn't really think about it. You know I am slightly paranoid about our level of visibility as a couple (in his world at least). As a matter of fact, not too long ago we had a conversation that he felt lonely at the banquet because everyone else was there with spouses and SOs and he was there by himself. Then he said he would have asked but he knows how it is with me and babysitting! I assured him that he is a priority to me, this was a very important event, and I for damn sure would have found a babysitter! I made a gently firm request to never assume anything like that again.

I think we're clear now.

On the Phones Again...

My first day on the phones went great! Okay, make that pretty good. My talk time was high, but that's mainly due to learning my resources. I didn't really blow any though I don't think. I thought I would have some feedback by now in the form of an email, but nothing thus far, so I guess she'll talk about it tomorrow.

I'll let you know how tomorrow goes.

Great and Informative Article

Why am referencing this article about renters in foreclosure, you ask? Well according to documents I have come across over the last few months, I am one of them!!

The first set of foreclosure docs were sent in three different envelopes, and two of them were never sealed. Yep, I sure did! I Looked!! Boy was I surprised at what I saw! My home was in foreclosure!!! Then, just this weekend, I came across another set of docs from some place with The Judicial Sales Corporation as the return address. Well after googling them and finding their website, I knew I had to open one of the copies of mail!

Once again, shocked and awed to find out that this property will be sold on July 1 in the lobby of my local courthouse! Do you think my landlords have said a word? Do you think they have said anything about the fact that the rent I've paid recently has not gone to secure a roof over my family's head? Nope! Nada!

Oh, and the landlords never changed certain items addresses from my unit in the duplex (their former residence), that's how I get access to these things. Otherwise, I would have been dangerously in the dark until I got a notice to vacate on my darn door!

So as it stands, I will be going to the courthouse on July 1 to find out who my new landlord may be! At least thanks to that article, I know I have at least 90days to find a new place to live!

No worries though! You know me: A setback is just a setup for a comeback! Just like I cat I am, I ALWAYS (with God's help of course) land on my feet! And as Les Brown would say: "If you have to fall, try to land on your back. For as long as you can LOOK UP, you can GET UP!"

Amen to that!

Final is Passed!

I got a 93 on my final for my Sears training class! All that's left is live certification on Tuesday and Wednesday! After that, as Dante said, it's time to "Get Money!"

OMG!!!!!!

Okay, Okay. I know I said summer is here and I'm all excited but, THIS makes me anxious for November:




I actually screamed out loud when I saw it! So far, that is exactly the way the book went! I CANNOT WAIT!!!

Summer's In Full Swing!

This has been a good week. Class is going well. Training is going well. I take my final this weekend and certification calls next Tuesday and Wednesday. The plan is to be making money by Thursday!

Monday I still want to go to the Y to check on scholarship options for me and the kids. I've been doing good the past couple of days eating healthy and very light. As a matter of fact, I went to McDonald's today and bought the kids meal, but didn't eat one single fry! That's right! I came home and made me a stir fry plate of eggplant, cabbage, broccoli, bell peppers, mushrooms, and asparagus instead! Then later on after that food settled (and honestly, I really felt full), I had some macerated strawberries (fresh sliced strawberries mixed with Splenda and a some balsamic vinegar) over a 1/4 cup of ricotta cheese.

According to my iPod Touch application called "Lose It!", I consumed approximately 421 calories today!

No, not hungry at all actually. Think I might keep this up for a while longer...

People are Strange Sometimes

So my nieces didn't show up yesterday morning. I didn't remember the Officer saying she was off. I talked to her that evening, and what she told me really threw me for a loop.
She told that she was taking her daughter to grandmother's house while she was working, until Leigh is out for the summer. Then they will stay with her. Until my Dante helped me see it as a positive thing, I will admit the sensitive side was slightly offended. I mean, my grandmother is 88 years old. All they're gonna do is sit in the house all day. There will be no going outside, that's not even a question. Then, Leigh just had a baby not too long ago, and is in the process of having her kitchen redone. PLUS, let's not forget she watched them all last summer too!

I know the Officer said something the other day about being broke. Perhaps because they are in such a habit of paying me (or because she knows I am not going to a j.o.b. everyday), they think I am in NEED of the money they pay me. I am not. I have told them several times before that the money wasn't necessary, and I never ask them for it. So my only guess is that she thinks I would have a hard time with them being here without paying me.

But nonetheless, my Dante set me straight. He just told me to look at it as a positive thing. Let them work out whatever details for themselves. Cool with me!

School's Out!

Champagne graduated kindergarten today. It wasn't a formal ceremony or anything. We just observed them showing off some of their academic skills for their parents/loved ones. Then each child in the class got a certificate for something, which I really liked. Bruzer went with me since his last day at school was Friday.

I made little cards for DJ and Starr with their name, phone number and email address on it to give to their friends. Then we came home and I got back online for training. The kids went out to play.
Now I'm off to do more studying!

Life is good!

My Baby Boy is a Graduate!

Well from Pre-K at least! Today was his very last day at pre-school. I was my usual non-chalant self. Just happy in the moment and snapping pictures and beaming from ear-to-ear. Well, that is until it was time for us to say our official goodbyes and walk out the door!

Yes I was a bit misty-eyed, I cannot tell a lie. I tried to be tough though...I don't think anyone saw! :-)

After all that school and I have gone through, I really do have great memories from Bruzer at all three houses. (The way the daycare is set up, it's actually 3 different houses: the baby house, the toddler house, and then the preschool once they're potty trained) In the nearly five years that Bruzer has been there, he's gone through a few teachers (mostly due to transitioning between houses) and I've gone through plenty of drama with payment issues. My "love notes" as I used to call them. "Love note" as in 'kids can't come back til the balance is paid' kind of writings! The woman who started the daycares over 30 years ago passed away last year, and her daughter now runs and owns the place instead of just being director at the preschool. In the past 3 years at the preschool, there have been many ups and downs. But I am glad I made the decision to keep him (and his sister) there through it all. It's made for some great memories, and a very bittersweet goodbye.

I'm not really an "end of an era" kinda girl. I don't cry when my kids go off to kindergarten, that's just part of life. I'm just so very blessed and thankful that we ended on such a great note.


After the graduation/bbq, we did our usual ritual of going up to Main Street to watch the annual Shriner's Parade. We made it home at about 1030p, and made everyone hit the shower before hitting the sack. Definitely counts as one of our great family days!

It's Not About How I Feel

That's what I heard Bishop TD Jakes preach on today on my iTunes podcast. Between that and reading Secrets of the Millionaire Mind, I am totally tuning myself up for greatness!

I know, I know. Blah, blah, blah right?? You've heard it all before. But I have to keep trying, I will not give up, that's just the facts! Can you blame me? Why would you want to blame me for wanting to do more, be more and have more?

You shouldn't. And if you do, shame on you!

Loving Life RIght Now!

I did it!!! StarrDom Travel is officially in business! I booked my first vacation for eight (yes 8!) to DisneyWorld for this summer! I met with the client and she is already talking about what she wants to do next year! WooHoo!
I am not out of the woods yet. I want to make sure this trip is memorable and pleasurable and as worry-free as possible, so that she will not only be a repeat client, but she will also tell her friends and family as well!

I do have more organizing to do at home, but I really know I can do this now! I'm excited to do this now! The fire has been lit!!

Some Facts of (My) Life

As I stated previously, I am re-reading Secrets of the Millionaire Mind again. Found a few great things so far. But here's the one that slapped me in the head (think NCIS):

"Wealth File #2: Rich people play the money game to win. Poor people play the money game not to lose."

If you really think about it, that's a pretty profound statement. I will tell you how it applies to me in virtually all areas. When I was younger, I was never super-competitive when it came to sports. The "objective" of the game was never to win for me, it was merely not to lose. Examples: In skating (roller or ice) the goal was to not fall; in bowling I never aimed for a strike or a 300-score, I just tried to avoid a "gutter ball"; baseball/softball was never about hitting a homer, it was about NOT striking out! Get the idea? Now if I was that way in sports, do we really think I have been any different in everything else in my life?? EXACTAMUNDO!!!

That is...until now! More to come...

Moving Forward...but Still Behind

Today was a migraine day. I woke up with the headache, took 1000mg of Tylenol, and waited. It was still there several hours later. We went to see Night at the Museum 2, which I was a bit cranky because of the headache. The movie was good though. Lots of laughs. (Note: The Jonas Brothers as little cupid-like singing cherubs!) We came back home and I took yet another 1000mg of Tylenol. After hanging in there for about an hour, I went to sleep. I couldn't take it and I didn't like being in a constant state of crankiness. That's not fair to the kids.

By the time I woke up, it was back down to a manageable "dull ache" status. I can definitely deal with that!

My training class has been going very well. I plan to do a little studying tomorrow to be better prepared for the rest of the week. No class on Monday for the holiday.

I need to purchase my books this week for school that starts on the 1st of June. I'm back to making a conscious effort to change my mindset, to reprogram it for wealth, abundance and prosperity. I tell you one thing for sure, I don't want to "just get by"! I want to be rich! That doesn't make me a bad person! As one of my favorite sayings goes: "Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you'll still be among the stars." To translate that into what I just said about being rich: I'm aiming to be rich; even if I don't achieve it, I should still be at the very least well-to-do!!!

It Worked!!!

The school - make that my school - approved my waiver request!!! So on Thursday I will pay the standard 10% for the first semester of attendance (which confirms my classes), then I will go ahead and purchase my books online!

No! Of course I won't be purchasing them from the University bookstore! Who really does that?? ;-)

I have already scoped out half.com and amazon.com where I can get my two books valued at $347 for about $120! It runs in my genes...I can't take credit for thrifty skills like these!


I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!

A Wondering Mind

The phone rang at 1130p. I was sure it was him. But it wasn't. Right now I'm not as comfortable thinking he went straight home after softball and fell asleep as I usually am.

What A Day...

Well it was very nice outside today. I started my training class and all is well there.

So that was the good news.

Because of an outstanding balance that I let go to collections before I paid it at Park University, they're telling me I have to pay my entire summer tuition up front by next Monday, or my classes will be dropped. That is correct. All $1800 of it!! Need I mention I already have a full financial aid package completed, where they will owe me a refund! The lady gave me the name and email of someone who could possibly waive that for me. So I sent them an email letter today, along with a copy of the paid receipt, and my unemployment check stub. I have asked God for this and thanked Him for granting it. There is nothing more I can do. I literally told the lady in the email that by denying this waiver request, it would completely derail this single mother's plans to go to school in the near future.

Then, to top it all off, my bank account is back in the negative again. You have no idea how absolutely frustrating and angering this is for me. I want to reset this "poverty threshold" that I have, but I just don't know how. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry, that's how much anguish I feel. As my mom would say, "I just can't win for losing." Yes, some could say this wouldn't happen if I was working full-time at a (dare I say it) job. But with everything in me, I completely beg to differ. My finances would probably be less honestly because I would have to pay more out in gas and childcare expenses. It's way deeper than just a job though. I have to get back to making an everyday effort to give myself permission to achieve more wealth and abundance than my family has previously seen. I'm still held back by that. I think I am going to read "Secrets of the Millionaire Mind" again. I really need to.

A Challenging Evening

Okay so here we go. Last night there was an incident with Dante where I got to listen in on what was going on at his home without him knowing. No! I didn't plant a bug! Although.....

...aaaand, I'm back!

I sent him a text message because he got off the phone sounding upset, so I wanted to know if everything was okay. Well, I guess when he touched it his iPhone to acknowledge the text (that he didn't answer), it called me. I thought he was on the phone, my kids were talking in the background plus tv so I wasn't hearing so clearly. It took me a few minutes to realize he couldn't hear me. I sent a text to ask if he could hear me. I heard his phone vibrate when the thext came through, but still nothing. That's when I heard someone else talking. It was a woman he was having a conversation with. They were talking about the playoff baskeball game that was on, really rather uneventful. But, you know our past can come back to haunt us in the strangest ways. I had a flashback of Roy again from back in the day. Listening to him telling some woman about his townhouse and his business...while the cell phone that I bought and paid for was in his pocket ON!!

There was a joke about his sheets and that's when my heart started pounding almost out of control! It wasn't anything suggestive, just enough for me to know whoever she was, she was in his bedroom! Then they went back to talking about the game. After listening for a little while longer (okay, like 16 minutes) and not hearing anything incriminating, I hung up. I sent a text message saying "call me when the game goes off and your company leaves". He sent a message not long after that, but I left my phone on the charger in another room. I heard the next text though, when he asked was I mad at him. So we went back and forth by text for a bit, but then he called to clarify what was going on. He says he had some people over watching the playoff game, though I never heard anybody but that one. When he called he was conveniently 'taking the out the trash', so he never technically talked to me while he was inside his place. He got off the phone so he could 'go back in and not be rude' to his company. Here's my thing with that: Call me rude, but if my sweetie is calling me you can be damn sure I'm not going outside of my OWN PLACE to talk to him! To make it worse, I didn't hear from him again until about 530a the next morning, asking me to call him at work.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking. A little part of me is thinking it too. I mean come on! I hear a woman's voice in the apartment with him, he goes outside to talk to me, and then I don't hear from him the rest of the night????!!!!

(Alarm Bells Ringing)

Anyway long talk later that morning, I told him exactly what I said in that last paragraph. I just wanted him to know, that if he was doing something he wasn't supposed to be doing...I didn't miss it. If I choose to let it pass, that's another thing. Perhaps he could convince me that what he said was the truth about what happened last night. Perhaps...

The Computer Genius Strikes Again!!

Ms. Technical Support (aka ME) has solved yet another dilemma on her own! My computer was being really REALLY funky by having 100% CPU usage when no programs were even open!! What that means is that when any programs were actually open, the computer was going at a snails pace!!!

So I couldn't take it anymore. I scanned everything, there were no viruses. So I went digging online and between a few techie forums, I found my solutions and fixed it!!!!

Yay Me!

Wasting Money

Some things I just don't get. Like why you pay $35 to get a 7-year-old's hair done at the beauty shop, when you KNOW it's gonna look like crap the next day!
I just don't understand my sister, The Officer, in that respect. I mean really! Are you THAT lazy about washing your child's not-too-bad-at-all hair! But it can just be me!

Talk about throwing money away!

Ok just had to get that out!

Happy May!

The countdown to school being out has begun! My baby boy will be graduating from pre-K in a couple of weeks! (tear) Who knows? In a year or two I may get to do it all again...twice! Meanwhile, things are ramping up for me quite a bit!
I got selected to train for an at-home customer service position with a major retailer. It's through the company I contract through. The training costs, so I have paid that already. Class begins on the 18th of May. I am very excited, because that will be money coming into the house when unemployment insurance runs out. Plus, I've been trying to get back into a client with them since I lost the other last year. I learned my lesson!!
In addition to that, I am scheduled to start class online at Park University on June 1st, in pursuit of my Bachelor's Degree (then my MBA). Due to their open registration format, I am registered all the ways through Spring 2010. By then, I will be well into my junior year! My graduation estimate is May 2011! Only 2 years away!!! (On my way to MBA by 40!) I am so excited, it's about all I can think about!
There is also the matter of my travel business. I am making positive strides in that direction as well! I've committed to purchasing local leads online. I also would like to approach the children's principal about a flyer insert for the parents. I need to wash my van (if it ever stops raining long enough to matter) so that I can put my letters on it. My travel magnets are wearing away so I have removed them. Better not to be there than to look completely tacky, right? In it's place, I want lettering on the van I believe (still kinda debating).
I'm getting more and more positive that I can live my life the way I want to live it. I am not that hung up on a job. I have come to realize in my life that my peace and happiness is worth something too. I mean really, for the money I would be getting right now at CWT - less 10 hours per pay period due to the mandatory reduction in hours - I would be under a tremendous amount of stress right now. It's not like I would be crazy enough to feel secure in my job! On top of that, I would be looking at an additional 35-50 minutes on my one-way commute beginning in a couple of weeks to go to the main office. All that stress and LESS money too?? No Thank You! I would rather put forth the effort to build my business and clientele, hopefully while going to school full-time, so that StarrDom will support me and my family better than any job ever has!

Is that so hard to believe? Why are there so many that are programmed to think that a job is the be all and end all? I just found out in July of last year that that is completely BOGUS!! Wouldn't I be a little crazy to keep banging my head on that same wall?

I rest my case!