A Rough Couple of Days

Not for me personally, but for my bff. The guy she was seeing while on her project in Dallas turned out to be a serpent! She has been torn up for the past 2 days. Just to the point of uncontrollable tears, poor thing. I know that feeling...I have experienced it more than I care to remember.

So, we'll call him Davie (doesn't really matter, cause after this post he won't be mentioned again).
It's a long, complicated story, but the highlights are that they didn't get together the first time she was sent there for business. She was very into someone else at the time, and considering he was in the process of a divorce, she figured he would need time to heal anyway. Well, what he did was he went and got himself a girlfriend. Let him tell it, this girl was totally jealous and controlling. All of a sudden, my bff wasn't "allowed" to just randomly call or text him, cause "she checks my phone". They would see each other hit and miss, amybe once a week.

This went on for months, to the point that we had to come to an agreement about it. I didn't like the thought of my bff settling for being the "other woman" because that's really what she was. No matter how many times he talked about this woman and how she was so horrible, the story stayed the same. You know the line: "Just be patient." Yeah, that one.

Please know, I am the LAST somebody to call her a fool, cause I have been there. I repeat: I have been there! I finally got an understanding of what the draw was to him for her. She saw the sweet vulnerable side a few times, and that's what she was attached to. Though unfortunately the dominating side she experienced most was not so kind, sweet and gentle. He would constantly remind her of this other woman on the one hand, but then turn around and 'baby, baby, baby' on the other! Men can be so messy sometimes!

Well, him being married for 13 years was a big deal to her, and she totally entertained the thought that him and the wife/ex-wife could reconcile at any time. I didn't get that concept because I see divorce as FINAL. Unless God says otherwise, and the people have been transformed by His Holy Spirit. Other than that? No.

Well, guess what he tells her 2 days ago? You guessed it! That he's getting back with his ex-wife! I do not believe it, the story makes no sense...too many holes. But anyway, at first she was fine cause she had expected that as a possibility. Then reality set it, and it has been a struggle ever since. Do you know what it's like to listen to someone you love cry uncontrollably on the phone from hundreds of miles away, and you know you can't get to them? It is a very helpless feeling, let me tell you. But God!!!!

Prayers are answered, let me say. She had a good day yesterday for the most part, then today just spiraled out of control quickly. But God, as usual, just in the nick of time, answered her prayer to take the pain away! She is off that project down there and will be going home from Dallas for good tomorrow!

He answered another of hers too, though it was a more painful answer. Ever since she had been dealing with Davie, she said she had no peace. She was always on eggshells, worried that a text message might make him mad or if she emailed too much or called, whether he would start fussing. She just wanted her peace back. Well, with him out of the picture...that prayer was answered too! Brighter days are ahead! Bigger and better things lie in store. You can't get to something, if you don't go through nothing!!!

Finding My Mind

Interesting title huh?

Usually people talk about how they're losing they're mind. Yes...I am definitely in the "people" category...traditionally that is! But, in my 2008 Skyscraper Year, I have decided to find my mind again!

I have been bombarding myself with positive information and sermons regarding controlling the types of thoughts that I allow in my mind. You see...I have allowed for too long what has gone on in my mind. The enemy -over many, many years and through many different sources- has planted these negative seeds into the very fertile soil of my mind. And what happens to seeds when planted in good soil? That's right, they grow and flourish!
Boy did my mind have the right combination of ingredients for some of the best growing soil ever! If I could patent and mass-produce it, I would be a billionaire! I mean, my mind could take a negative thought like "What decent guy would want a woman with FOUR kids?"...and before you know it, there is an entire vineyard of negative thinking and self-sabotging thoughts where that one seed used to be!

You know what I'm talking about, don't you?? You've done it too, haven't you?? You can admit it, I understand. I've been there. Got the t-shirt, visor, tote bag, and 32-ounce sport bottle as "souvenirs"!

Those "mementos" have been thrown in the trash...figuratively speaking. I am done with a life of negativity. I have to control what my mind thinks and subsequently believes. In case you didn't know, what you believe is the "fruit" or the "tree" (or in my case, "vineyard") of the seeds that have been planted and allowed to grow in your mind. As with all seeds, it is not an overnight process...it takes a little while. But once those roots take hold, watch out! It's like a weed. If you don't get those roots out of there, the plant will just come back!

It is your choice...and it really takes some effort...as to what fruit your mind will bear. Positive or Negative - you be the judge. I will tell you a secret I learned and will be applying to help me with my struggle. If you are having self-deprecating thoughts about yourself and your worth, SPEAK UP! While the negative thoughts are trying to consume your mind, speak a positive affirmation or (better still) a bible verse out loud. You don't have to yell it from the rooftops, but it needs to be audible. What does this do, you ask? It stops the "stinkin thinkin" (as Joyce Meyer calls it) right in it's tracks. Once you have stopped the negative thought, your job is only half done. You have to replace it with a positive one. Otherwise, guess what will happen?
Yep, another negative thought will creep in to take that ones place.

Don't let this happen to you! Anymore!

As a disclaimer, if you catch yourself in the midst of full-on pity party for one, it's okay. Recognize that you are imperfect, that this new way of thinking will take a while, and don't beat yourself up about it. God doesn't berate you or belittle you the way you do yourself, does He? NO!!! So who are you greater than HE to do such awful things to one of His finest creations??

Ponder that for a while...there will be a pop quiz later!

ps. I haven't forgotten about the guys I mentioned the other day...their stories will come over the next few days, I promise!

The Weekend in Review

I did just about nothing this weekend. I watched movies that I already owned. I borrowed "Night at the Museum" from my sister for us to watch. That movie is really funny, and really cute. I have been a bit challenged on the financial end this week, so therefore we pretty much stayed inside. Okay not pretty much, we did. I didn't even go to the front porch to get the mail. DJ left on Saturday to be with his dad though. Since Joe is laid off from work, it's not like he has much else to do!

My punkin was in the field this weekend, left on Friday evening, and got back today. I hate not talking to him daily, but I absolutely survived! I guess it's not so bad as long as I know where he is. I got to talk to him for about an hour on Friday evening. We didn't talk long today, but he did call me to let me know he was out of the field, so I am content. I still don't know about going down there the weekend of the 25th, cause I think that's going to be my 'time of the month'. He was so sweet to say that even if it was he still wants to come down there, cause the physical stuff is not the only thing he likes me for. He wanted to make sure I wasn't thinking that, and I wasn't. But I know how the two of us are and, after not seeing each other in several weeks, it's gonna be hard to control ourselves. We really do match up well in the physical arena! REALLY well!

So, anywho, I guess we will see about the trip. Cause, you know there is the issue of babysitting as always. There is also the issue of will I have any moolah to travel with? Yeah, that story is getting so old. Being financially strapped is so last year!!

It's coming though, that magical time of the year that should get me completely back on track financially! Yes, ladies and gentlemen! It's almost Tax Time!!!!! No no no...no rapid refunds or anything like that this year! I am filing directly to the IRS to have my funds directly deposited into my bank account. (takes about 2 weeks tops) I am just praying and believing for a great return this year!

The next couple of days, I would like to get personal with you. I want to talk about the major relationships in my life. I made it through them, so I am stronger, that I can tell you now. I think you will find the reading interesting, since I know for me the writing will be very therapeutic (like when I wrote about my father). Stay tuned...

It's Happening...

Yes, I am getting very attached to Dante. BUT!!!! Before you sound the alarms and run for cover, I need to tell you something. You ready?

It's different than it was in the past. I am not falling head-over-heels (more like heels-over-head let him tell it), rose-colored glasses, starry-eyed, fairy-tale happily-ever-after kind of falling. I just really, really like him!

That's right, I did say like...and I meant like. The other word just isn't there. (true, I could still be in denial) It hasn't been that long and, there's still those factors against us. But, on occasion when I find my mind wandering, I think things like 'I wouldn't mind having surgery to be able to have children again'. Kind of like my bff is pondering 'I could see myself living in Dallas'! For a native Chicagoan, that is big news...and yes it also has to do with a guy (which is HUGE news in itself)

But, these are just thoughts. A mere glimpse into the psyche of the phenomenon known as me! We are so far from that point, IF that is ever a point we could get to together. That is a long time and yet to be seen. I still have "stuff to do", as does he.

All that to say yes, I am falling for him, though not necessarily into L-O-V-E at this point. More like the intense like is evolving into serious infatuation. I like infatuation, I think I'll stay here awhile. I am certainly in good company, since I'm thinking he has taken up residence here too!

Jana Lauren Shearer

The sick son-of-a-bastard who killed the 21-year old girlfriend I blogged about earlier today? That's her name....Jana Lauren Shearer.

After looking at the story on cnn.com video, I saw a photo of her that was credited to myspace, so I logged in and looked for her name. Found it here.

I also found a very wonderful article done by a local Texas news reporter showing her family and her life, not so much the grisly details of her death. You can see the article here.

Rest in Peace Jana. I pray your soul to God and that He will be the Comforter for your family through this difficult time. Amen.

Every Day Is A Blessing

Just remember that. Every now and then, I will actually look at the news on cnn.com just to see what's going on. Honestly, I started out trying to check on the New Hampshire caucus to see if Senator Obama was the frontrunner, as he was in Iowa. The headline at the very top of the site was the just published autopsy results for slain hiker Meredith Emerson, and that caught my attention. They think she was alive for three days before the nutcase killed her with blunt force trauma to the head...oh yeah, then decapitated her!! Sick bastard! But, he only agreed to tell them where the body was after the DA's office promised not to seek the death penalty. Now, watch they hold up their end of the bargain, and he gets to sit up in prison and get free degrees and free cable and free meals and free gym memberships...ON MY DIME!!!
What I hope happens is, the other cases that they may link him to (like the fact that a couple in another were killed hiking and this killer was seen in the guy's jacket AND was using the couple's ATM card), they find him guilty and give him the death penalty on one of those!!

From there, I clicked on a link that says this: Suspect: God made me kill,cook girlfriend

WTF!!!!!! This 25-year old killed his 21-year old girlfriend, mutilated her body, then...are you ready for this....cooked and ate part of her body!!!!! I can't even say anymore about that one, because it is so deplorable, but here's the cnn link.

There is just no time for being fearful. There is no time for proscrastinating. There is no time for self-doubt. There is no time for insecurity about your abilities to create a better world and life for yourself. Tomorrow could be it for you, then what?? Will you have everything accomplished? If not, there's no time like the present! Here's something you may not have known.

You ready for this mind-altering piece of info? You sure? Okay...don't say I didn't warn you:

YOU ARE GOING TO DIE SOMEDAY!!!

Whether you like it or not, you will die. Everyone you know and love will die. There is no getting around it. There is no sense fearing the inevitable. I mean sure, we all want it to be when we are old, but the reality is....that's not the case for everyone. Now that you know that, you have a choice. You can be afraid of dying to the point that you are crippled with fear, or you can accept the fact that you will die...and start LIVING. Guess which one I decided to be? Have you seen the previous posts noting how many times I could have died?? Go here and here for a refresher. I lived in fear for awhile of leaving my four children to be orphans, and yes it was sometimes crippling. It had even contributed to my depression. Guess what? A lady at work lost her 36 year old sister within the last month, and she left 8 kids behind! That was a swift kick in the ass for me to get over myself, and enjoy the gift of life...we only get ONE SHOT. Make it count.

So, I have a conference call at 8p, on how to become unstoppable. I have a few more conference calls throughout this month. I will be emailing the chapter president of my host agency to find out about meetings or networking events or whatever information she can give me to further my travel agency business. I will also get my materials together to start getting me some business clients for StarrDom. I will meet with SCORE for help in business plan creation, marketing, and anything else I may need.

When I die, I want it to be on my feet (and in motion), NOT on my knees! (paraphrased from The Kingdom)

It's over 60 Degrees

I can't believe how nice it is outside! Considering a few days ago, the daily highs were below freezing!!

I actually have my front door open, it is that nice! I am doing laundry. Mainly the kids' clothes, which if you recall me mentioning before, are like Gremlins when exposed to water! Perhaps I will get to my clothes as well before the end of the day. I also need to comb the girls' hair and trim Bruzer's hair. I will also like to do my hair as well.
I really want to do this year different, and start wearing my hair down again. Wearing it up never really did anything for me. I think I lost more length, whereas I was trying to gain it by leaving it alone! I was thinking of getting it cut, and the only thing that will keep me from doing that is getting it weaved. The only way to do that affordably, is by getting my one friend to sew it in for me. I really wish I could corn-row, cause if I could, I could save LOTS of money and do it myself!

It was also brought to my attention the other day about a challenge I was doing in late 2006, that I will start again. If I haven't said it by now, my biggest complaint with my body at this point is my middle section (waist and stomach). If I could get that flat and under control, I would feel alot better about my size. So, I will officially restart my 100 Crunches in 100 Days Challenge! When? No time like the present, so starting today! I've had my major sickness for the season (which is what derailed me last time), so what other excuse is there?? Exactly! None.

To be able to drop a good 3-5 inches from my waist would be phenomenal! So that is my goal. I think I am going to check amazon.com to find a decently priced copy of You: On A Diet. I like the thought of a book written by doctors. But perhaps I will also spend some time at Borders this week skimming through the book ( I am hoping to have extended lunches due to training class!).
I already have hypertension, and I don't even want to have that, but I don't want to add anything else like diabetes to the list.

Speaking of things I want to do, I suppose I will post later this evening about the goals I plan to achieve this year. It's a pretty cool and very doable list!

Kids are Back To School

Know what I thought about yesterday? That over the next two years, the last of my children will be going to Kindergarten. Champagne will start in the 08-09 school year (starts school late due to her November birthday). Bruzer will start the 09-10 school year. When Bruzer starts Kindergarten, DJ will be headed to middle school. I can't believe they're growing up! I just hope I am doing a good job with them. Getting them prepared for whatever they are to be in life.

I don't tell any of them what I think they should be or what I want them to be. What I do tell them is they can be anything they want to be...there is no limit. DJ wants to own his own restaurant. His father has a Master's Degree, and so I think he is feeling pretty good about himself lately. But, what I explained to DJ is that even though I don't have a degree (yet), it is important to get at the very least a Bachelor's. However, that piece of paper doesn't mean you are automatically smarter or better than someone who doesn't have it. I advised him that Bill Gates - one of the richest men in the world- dropped out of college.

I want to be in a better position to teach my kids not only about education, but about life. Not the "how to survive in the urban jungle" kind of life, but about business and credit and finances. Typically, black people don't teach our children that, cause we were never taught. I want more and better for this next generation that I am raising. I want them to realize that just because they throw credit cards at you in college, doesn't mean you have to take them. Funny thing about those credit card companies is they actually expect you to pay them back! I want them to be buying their first home in their mid to early twenties, not still renting in their mid-thirties.

In other words, I want them to be better than me.

The Best Movie I Have Seen in a While

OMG!!!

I just watched The Kingdom, starring Jamie Foxx and Jennifer Garner! My official review for this movie is: OMG!!! (in case you missed it above)

It is a very engaging movie from the very beginning. It is so relevant because, even though it is a movie, it is accurate to what is going on today. It is edge of your seat. It is a tearjerker (in a few places as a matter of fact). It is a wake-up call as to what is really going on in the world.

The acting and the action was superb. I just found the name of the director. It's Peter Berg. The man is a genius in my opinion, he produced and directed. Go here, and look at him...you'll be surprised at what you see.

I called my mom and told her about it. Please, if you haven't seen it, RUN TO THE VIDEOSTORE (or your local redbox, if you have them) and rent it!!! You will not be disappointed. If you are after watching it, something is wrong with you. You either need a heart transplant...or psychotherapy. Just my personal opinion! :)

A very close 2nd in my movie watching as of late is War, with two of my action faves, Jet Li and Jason Statham. It is an awesome movie and even up to last minutes will keep you going. Grab the popcorn and a beverage of your choosing, grab both of these movies, and enjoy your evening!

My Skyscraper Year

Why skyscraper? Well, when building a skyscraper, you have to dig a pretty deep foundation into the ground to give the structure a proper foundation to last for generations to come. A lot of times, the deeper hole that is dug into to ground (ie, the lower you go) determines how tall the building will actually be (ie, the higher you can soar). So, my general feeling is that 2007 was one of the worst years of my life thus far. There were no major tragedies (Thank You God), no deaths, or anything like that. But I mean as far as my life and the direction it is headed in and my finances. In that respect, I have dug my foundation pretty deep, since I was pretty low this past year. Now it's time to build as high as my faith and my (and your) God will take me!

I am glad to see 2007 go. But, here are a few highlights to last year:

• Meeting Dante - In case I haven't said it, I absolutely adore him! We are much in the same, and I truly hope we will always be friends...even if nothing more I want us to be friends.
• My love affair with the New Guy - Though it didn't end happily ever after, I learned some very valuable things from that experience and what I want in a relationship and what I expect from a man.
• Meeting the Commander - Though our friendship is perhaps irrevocably fractured (and it is all my fault), I think he's one of the coolest guys I have met in years.
• Getting out of the Amityville House (as it is heretoforth known) relatively unscathed. Falling in love with my new place, and knowing I plan to be here until I am ready to buy.
• My 86-year-old grandmother, my mother, my sisters and their families...my babies....my bestest friend ever...and the fact that noone is gravely ill or seriously injured. THANK YOU FATHER!!!!!!
• Getting the van I wanted, and being able to keep it thanks to mi madre.

That's just a few, the ones that really stand out in my mind. I want this year to be so much better, so much more accomplished! No more bounce fees! No more begging and borrowing! No more robbing Peter to pay Paul! No more self-doubt about what I am capable of! No more self-sabotage to reaching my dreams! No more living how others think I should live! No more self-pity! No more depression (did you know that about me? been fighting it for quite some time now.)! NO MORE!!!!

Just so you know, I don't do resolutions. It's an automatic setup to fail. But there are some things that I want to change this Skyscraper Year. I will make family nights a priority at least once every 2 weeks. I will make a family outing at least once a month. I will take my kids to Disneyworld for my vacation in November. I will keep my house cleaner and neater (it's the depression thing, I mentioned it months ago). I will take better care of myself...if for no other reason than to feel better about myself so I can be better for my kids. I will work from home before 2009 gets here (yes, that gives me a big margin from end-of-the-school-year, I know).

So, what about you? What are you going to change this year? Isn't it time you started building your skyscraper?

The 200th Post!

And right at the New Year...how appropriate! I don't have much to say this evening. I worked today, by myself, and it was VERY busy. So, I am tired, and I will not be up to see midnight tonight. Last night was yet another night of laying in the bed, thinking too much and unable to fall asleep. I work tomorrow from noon to 4pm, then the rest of the week is the usual 8a-430p.

I've got a lot on my mind, lots of changes to make, so the big long post will have to wait until New Year's Day. But, I am pretty proud of my 200th post, if I do say so myself!!!!!

Poor Girl With The Four Children

Or apparently that's what people think I think about myself. My family to be specific.


It's not.

I am just keenly aware that I have more children than only one person I know (my oldest friend, Moira, has 6). When most of the people I know have two children, I just think it's a lot to ask someone to babysit 4. I have absolutely no problem watching other people's kids cause hey, I've already got 4....what's 2 more!? Or at least that's the way I see it.

But both my mother and my sister seem to think I am singing this sad song that I should be the victim or something because I have four children. So I had to set them both straight this weekend about what I mean when I say that. My kids were my choice, and my dream, I never ever want sympathy for them. When I was younger and before I had children, I always said I wanted "2 sets of two". Twins would have been awesome, because I was so fascinated with them....but it just didn't happen. The part I forgot to be specific about, was the loving husband there with me every step of the way.

Whoops! My bad. Careful what you ask for.

Leigh told me that watching my four is no bigger deal than watching the Officer's two, and that really made me feel better. I told her how hard it was to ask her to watch the kids so I could go to Memphis to visit Dante, and she said she knew that. As bad as I wanted to go, it was equally as difficult to ask anyone for such a favor. But, I realized something today. I need to watch what I say. If my family has heard me say that and that's how they think I feel, then perhaps my kids think that way too. No more of that, then!

Dante and I are hoping for another trip to Memphis soon...and I would love for it to be in January sometime. So, since it's not as big a burden as I have made it out to be, then I will ask again when I'm ready to go back! Not saying I will be careless, and start asking folks all the time, but I will not be like I have been about it. So hopefully when we are ready to take our getaway trip (to who knows where), the family will be fine with watching my bunch.

You know, honestly, I can't imagine not having any of my children. Everyone is unique, and their personality is priceless (good and not-so-good). Even right now, it's ok that DJ is not here, cause I know he's with his father and that side of his family. But imagining him gone on permanent basis....not even possible. I don't regret a minute of the drama I was put through with any of their fathers for the children God gave me. They are not burden. They are the joy of my life and -many times I feel- my reason for being. I named my businesses after them, so I am always reminded of who I am and why I do what I do.

Lord, thank you for DJ, Starr, Champagne, and Bruzer....Your gifts are not lost on me. I couldn't thank You enough for the privilege of being their mother. For without them, there would be no

Solo-Mommy!

Saturday, The "Lazy" Day

So, I decided to stay in today and rest...well sort of. My energy isn't up to full strength yet, but I still have laundry to do and a house to clean. Unlike others, this does not mark the start of a 4 day weekend for me. I work all day on New Year's Eve and half a day on January 1st.
The good thing, is I don't plan to ever do it again...unless I am working for myself.

Starr went with my sister Leigh to the mall, and she just called to say she'd be spending the night. I talked to DJ tonight too, he called. Not holding any ill will towards his father, I'm actually annoyed that I let him get under my skin at all. He is delusional, and has been for years now...why am I surprised?

Been talking and chatting most of the day with the bff. Neither of us are physical 100% these past few days, but I think mentally we are stronger than we have been in a while. She doesn't even know it, but she is really an inspiration for me. She is one of the most uplifting, positive influences in my life, and has been for quite a while. We keep each other sane, we keep each other motivated at times when our family upbringing is blatantly against who we want to be now. My mom and I butted heads the other day because I made mention of working at home. "Well, don't quit your job" was the first thing out of her mouth. Good lord, give me a break!!! That's why I can't wait to get back on my feet financially, so I will no feel like I have to answer to my family (who have helped me tremendously) on how I make a living. Does it matter to any of them that I am miserable...and time is ticking by? Does it matter that this has been a dream of mine for almost a decade now....and time is ticking by?

In reality, no, it doesn't matter to them. They just want to make sure I get my bills paid, and the only way to do that (in their mind) is to have the "security" of a brick and mortar, go-outside-the-house-and-work kind of job. Well, I say no....and pretty soon dammit, that's all that will matter. Thank God for my bff who truly does understand!

My thoughts on the new year will coming in the next days. Stay tuned!

The Road to Recovery

Wow, you won't believe how much better I feel! From yesterday to today, it's like a whole new person!

I ate mandarin oranges for breakfast, then late morning I had some chicken broth with saltine crackers. I was actually feeling hungry after that, so Kween and I had Subway for lunch. I usually get a Meatball Sub, but I figured that would just be pushing it, so I got regular cold cuts. Life was good. My energy stores were still low so, I have been taking it easy today. But I didn't even sleep at my desk, I was awake the whole time.

And....I even had on 3 3/4 in stacked heels! Yes!! Rest assured, she's back!

No dinner this evening, just not very hungry really. Still trying to take it easy back into solid foods. We'll start anew tomorrow.

Talked to Can't Get Right today. He told me yesterday that he wanted to talk to me and could I call him back in 30minutes. Well of course he wasn't answering when I called. What-ever. He called today and I asked what he wanted to talk to me about. He told me he had lost his nerve. I had already told Kween earlier that he probably had a feeling I was seeing someone and wanted to ask, but changed his mind. The thing about me is if you ask a question I assume you want the answer, so I will tell you. He knows this too.

Anyhow, when I asked what he had to talk to me about and he BS'd around it, I half-jokingly asked if he had another baby on the way. Well, I didn't like his answer, so I probed further. Turns out, he almost did!!!! By this most recent baby mama (who lied and told him she had an IUD, but really wanted a baby) is who it was. Now my thing about this is this:

What if -when he assured the divorce was on the horizon this last time- I actually believed him, and waited for him, and not saw anyone else? First off, I would be missing out on Dante. That, at this point, is completely unimaginable. I can't begin to say how much I adore him (and that's all I am willing to admit to myself). Secondly, I would be devastated to the point of slightly crazy by now. I waited and you've been sleeping with someone else???

So, what do I really think about this new revelation? What a great way to end this year. I knew in my heart it was over, and this just solidified it for me. Thank You Lord for helping me close doors.

What's most hilarious is that that news is not what he wanted to talk to me about. He wanted to talk to me about me and him!!!!! HA! I just want him to be a father to Starr, that's all I ask.

To top the evening off, me and the ex-husband had an argument tonight! Let me backtrack to say yes I have 2 ex-husbands. But the likelihood of me EVER talking about ex-husband #2 is just rare period. If I do, I will let you know. But hereafter, I am always talking about my first husband when I mention ex-husband (also DJ's father).

It started out with him asking to claim DJ on taxes next year, and thinking he was fooling me into believing the benefit is to DJ by giving him a $500 CD. We have already had the tax-claiming as a favor, him reniging on his part of the deal scenario once in our lifetime...and I said never again. But I told him I would at least think about it, and I meant that. One thing led to another about extra fees being paid by me, and him saying that's what child support is for, and me pointing out that his child support has not been adjusted in the 10 years it's been in effect. It was going downhill from there -- and fast! He was actually yelling! And even said some crazy mess like let DJ come live with him! I told him that money meant nothing, I would much rather have him sitting at the sidelines of one of DJs basketball games...like all the other boys had at some point or another. I would rather him attend some parent-teacher conferences, or talk to his teachers throughout the year. I would rather him have been in the audience at DJs spelling bee. You know, little things like that! But he can't see that at all. I just want my kids to have better father relationships than I had/have. Is that too much to ask??

I try not to get my Punkin involved in those drama-filled moments of my life if I can help it. I don't know if I'm trying to put on a front or if it's just we're not quite on that level yet to really share. I vented to the bff, and will probably talk to mama later. I mean those are the people that were there since day one, through the good and the very bad and very ugly of our history. I don't want him to have to experience that if I can help it. I really care about him, and while I know all our time can't be happy, at least I can try to keep the unnecessary drama that I have to deal with out of his life. He's got his own stuff to deal with, and I care that much about him not to add my occasional messiness to it.

What's funny is that I have Dante on my desktop at work, so he's the first thing and last thing I see at my desk. Then I have a polaroid of him on my bookcase headboard, so I usually see him before I go to sleep too. Plus I have pictures of him in my beloved Treo as well. I am really smitten with him. But when I think really hard about it, I don't think there's more to it than that. I could be in denial, this is true. But I don't think so. I think I am just protected because we had our conversation so long ago about the limitations of what we are and what we could be....so it's really a protective mechanism.
Though in all honesty, if I could turn it on....he would be totally worth suffering a heartbreak over.

Yes. I am THAT crazy about him.

Guess who is sick again?

Yes, don't be jealous. It is I! My annual bout of sickness has come upon me. Let's see. It started with the severe body aches and chills last Thursday and Friday. It lightened up over the weekend, though left me completely void of energy. Monday I lounged, since I had a relapse. Christmas Day I worked for four hours, from noon to 4p. All was normal until...

Last night at about 9p when anything I had left in my stomach decided it wanted out...and fast! I slept on the couch and at 330a and 5a, I was up over the porcelain bowl dry heaving since there was nothing left in there to throw up. I debated going to work today. But since I am trying to keep my occurrences down to a minimum, I went ahead and got up. I got there about 15 minutes late and pretty much slept all day. I drank water this morning, and within an hour that was coming back up. I ate some mandarin oranges about 1p.
I was able to keep them down!! WooHoo!!
When I got home, I was actually starting to feel hungry, so I crunched on some dry cereal.
Still doing good.
Time to move up to chicken broth. I have finished a half teacup at the time of this writing, and all is still well!
At this rate, I may actually want to eat real food by tomorrow!!

So, backtrack to Christmas. It was a splendid day. I was so overwhelmingly blessed, I just could never be thankful enough. My prayer is that I can pay it forward like that to others in the near future. They got things they really wanted and totally loved. The things from work, as well as the things my Punkin brought were just absolutely a godsend. I even felt froggy enough to put up my little tree overnight, to make it even more special for them in the morning.

So that I wouldn't hear anything from anyone, I made sure my kids were dressed and well. I combed the girls' hair, and I cut Bruzer's hair. DJ is gone with his dad for a couple of weeks during school break. They looked ever so cute in the clothes they wore as well. Especially Starr, in her black turleneck, black leather (yes, leather) skirt, and long denim duster. She was too cute, and yes of course I am biased.

My sweetie came up there to my job on Christmas and brought his cute little shadow with him, his neice. I bought him a digital camera, and he was very pleased about that. He thanked me again the next day for it. She is a little doll too, the spitting image of her mother and her grandmother. I was glad I got to see him before he headed back to Memphis. We are already looking forward to my next trip down there.

So this also begins a time to reflect back on the past year and make plans for the fuure. We'll discuss that in another post...it's close to bedtime!

It's Christmas

Merry Christmas to all. Please remember in all the hustle and bustle that is the holiday season, trying to find to perfect present for everyone on your list, that Jesus is the reason for the season. What more perfect gift were we given than that?

It Could Have Been Me...

I saw a very sad article in the paper today about an 8 year old girl dying yesterday morning, after being rolled over with her mother's car. They were headed out to school, and she thought the car stopped so she got out because she left her hat in the house. The door apparently knocked her under the car, and she died.
Lord, I pray NEVER to know what that loss feels like...in Jesus' Name...Amen!



What it reminded me of was the fact that I was luckier than little Ashlynn was. You see, when I was about 9 or 10, I was also rolled over by my mother's car. The difference was that in my case, noone was driving and the car wasn't even running.

You're wondering how then, right? Let me explain...

It was a nice late spring day, school was still in. All I wanted to do was get home and get outside to play, but my mother had a few stops to make. First we stopped at the store and bought a couple of six-packs of Dr. Pepper. Do you remember the real glass, tall, slender bottles? Yep...those! After that, she had to stop at her friend Maggie's house. I stayed in the car and she went in to talk to Maggie. This visit was seemingly taking forever, especially since I just wanted to go home and play outside.



So, what did my incredibly brilliant and idle mind do? I began to meddle with stuff in the car. Wipers, blinkers, radio station and volume controls. Then, looking at gear selector (it was on the floor instead of the steering column), I came up with a great idea! I was gonna move it, but straight to the 'D' position, that way it won't go backwards!!!


Smart huh? I was in fourth grade, give me a break!


Well, surprise, surprise! The car started rolling backwards!



So, I get out and my first instinct is that my mom is going to be pissed, and I try to push the car! Needlesstosay, that didn't work and the door knocked me down. The car was an orange Chevy Vega with the black racing stripe down the middle. It rolled over my legs, and was stopped across the street by a bush in front of a field. All I rememeber was my legs were aching when I stood up and started walking toward Maggie's front door. Now, looking back as a parent, I can't imagine the sheer horror my mother must've experienced in that moment!

My knees were bleeding pretty badly, they were split open to the kneecaps. My mom drove me to the hospital emergency room to assess the damage. Yet again now -as a parent- probably one the longest car rides of her life. I don't rememeber waiting or being rushed back or anything like that, I think I was just too young and it was about 25 years ago, too. What I do remember however, is the nurses cutting my favorite pair of Sassoon pants off of me!!! Okay, not all the way off, but it was up to mid-thigh!

Yes, I know it was an emergency. Yes, I am aware my legs could have been broken. But, they could have just asked me to take them off! Yes, I know they were ruined anyway because the knees were torn open and saturated with blood...minor details really. I was 10, give me a break for pete's sake!

There was one other thing I remember about that ER visit. The doctor standing there talking to my mother telling her how lucky (read:blessed) I was that I wasn't knocked a little further under the vehicle, where it would have surely crushed my chest. Thank You God, for all the times you saved me in my childhood. From the mishap in the dentist's office when they lost me for a couple of minutes. By lost me, I mean my heart stopped. To the time on the Illinois side of the riverfront where I stepped in what could only be described as quicksand, and was almost waist deep (and sinking fast) before my mother spotted me and was able to pull me out. To the time mentioned above, where my bored meddling could have cost me my life. Yet my most notable "inconvenience" is that I had to lay up for at least 2 weeks . I mean, couldn't even really bend my legs kind of laying up. I mean I woke up and went to the couch, I got to go to the bathroom, and then at the end of the day I got back in the bed. Children, we know not what we do...

Heavenly Father, please comfort the family of the little girl that has now returned to Your kingdom. Please especially be a comforter for the mother, whose pain, anguish, and guilt could threaten her very life. Guide her, Father, so she knows that no matter what life brings, You are always there and will never leave her. Give her Your wisdom Lord, so she may try to understand the whys of this most horrible tragedy any mother could experience. And Father, give her Your strength so that she may go on and continue being the best mother she can to her other 3 children. In Jesus' name....AMEN.

The Weekend in Review

Large, dreamy sigh!

Okay, here we go. After all the running and things on Friday, we still didn't hit the highway til about 7p. Got right outside of Arnold - on 55South - and ran into a 4-lane clogging accident! We moved about 2 miles in about an hour! From the vehicles we saw (fire trucks, state police cars, and a few ambulances) we guessed it must have been pretty serious. However, when the traffic finally opened up, we saw absolutely nothing to make us even think there had been an accident!

We got to Kween's father's house at about 1230a. Their phone was not working properly and she didn't have the cell phone number, so we - correction I - just had to knock until someone answered. Thank goodness they answered, cause Dante didn't! He obviously fell asleep, cause I called a gajillion times to no avail. It was almost becoming comical, except for the fact that it was going on 130a...and these people needed to get back to bed! So I looked on Kween's phone internet and got directions from one house to the the next. But, OMG, her stepmother Jackie got in her car and drove me all the way to the apartment complex! Just in time for Dante to call, of course! He is so sweet! Just twenty million apologies, but I knew what happened to him. It was late after all. We were the only idots driving around at that time of night! Normal people were home in bed!

So both his plan and my plan for Friday night was scratched. He wanted to take me to some club and get some drinks and dance a bit. Well, after a certain hour I knew that wasn't gonna happen, so I went back to my original idea. I brought my silver trenchcoat and a pair of black boots.

You are correct. That was ALL I was gonna wear as I greeted him at his door! Another time perhaps...

Anyway, after a good long hug and kiss (okay, several kisses), he ran me a bath and told me to go relax. It was so hot, I sweated my hair out! But it felt so good! I don't take baths at home you see. I don't really have the time. By the time I do have the time, I would never get clean, cause I would fall asleep in the tub!! So, I am basically a shower girl. Single mom, 4 kids. Seriously, what did you expect?

Back to the topic. I got out of the tub, dried off, then was instructed to lay on the bed. I got a complete rubdown with lavender baby oil gel, then a mini-massage with this three-pronged handheld thingy that came in really handy a day later! And then....

Puh-leeze, you know what happened next! You know what happened several more times that weekend! So, fast forward to the morning. Okay, fast forward a little more to when we actually got out of the bed! We got up and threw on some clothes then headed to the grocery store so I could shop for breakfast. I made some oven-baked french toast with a brown sugar glaze. I garnished with toasted slivered almonds and bananas cut on the bias, then served with some turkey bacon I pan-fried (til crisp of course, that's the secret). He absolutely loved it! Dante's not really big on fried eggs. That's something he and Starr have in common actually, she doesn't even like them with cheese anymore. But both of them can eat them boiled, just not scrambled and fried. He made tequila sunrise drinks to go with breakfast, and the spoiling began!

One thing to know about me is I find joy in serving. My children and my man, that is...not just anybody! He finished his food before me, and I asked if he wanted seconds. So, I sat my unfinished plate down and went to make him another plate. He tried to protest, but I shut him down. So from that point on, I took care of everything I could. I washed the dishes, did any cooking or serving of foods, and kept the tequila sunrises flowing until I left! He loved it, which I am glad. It would suck to live totally by myself. So I really think he enjoyed me being there to do that for him.

We went to see I Am Legend on Saturday, and went to an Italian restaurant to eat afterwards. I told him to pick someplace he has wanted to go, and so he did. I found out he is weak over lasagna. And that Talayna's in St. Louis has the best lasagna to him. The movie, by the way, was very awesome...one of Will Smith's top performances.

The rest of the weekend was spent lounging around the apartment, just watching movies and being in each other's presence. I thoroughly enjoyed myself, I fell asleep several times on the couch, which pleased him. He said it was nice to see me so relaxed, which I truly was. Me? Take a nap at home? With the kids here? You wanna talk about hypertension, let me try to take a nap during the day, and my blood pressure is going up!

Oh, and lest I forget Saturday night. Got reacquainted with my friend, Tequila Blanco! Our love-hate relationship is still intact after all these years. I drank about 5 shots in a row, not to forget I had a cocktail at dinner, and had been sipping on tequila sunrises all day. Let me be frank with you on my condition: I got drunk off my ass! Do you hear me? Completely F-cked Up! And you know what? It felt goooooood! Yep, I said it! It's not like it's anything that will be happening again in the remotely near future, but dammit I had fun! Even when the barf-fest began and I had to clean up the wall in the bathroom, and wash the rugs that were on the floor. I had fun! I passed out on the bed, and the next thing I know it was 4am...and someone was "rolling me over"!

Remember that slow leak I told you about? Yeah well, by Sunday, it was flat. Of course this was the exact moment I was ready to leave that I noticed this. We went up to Auto Zone and got Fix-A-Flat, which has NEVER worked for me by the way. Okay, now we've got to change to the spare, which I was really trying to avoid. (Note to self: find your damn hydraulic jack! What use is it if it's not in the van when you need it?) Well, by we, I mean he did most of the work! But, it was a team effort! You know I can't do the damsel-in-distress thing that well! So Kween and I made it home on cruise control at 70mph. There were a lot of other vehicles passing me, including the big rigs! That burns me up, but we made it home safely...and that's what matters. She was off today, so I was at work worn out! But I made it!

So, am I on cloud nine after this weekend? Emphatically yes!
Have I fallen head over heels in love with him, and have visions of us living happily ever after? Have you even been paying attention to my blog...or is this your first post? Okay fine, well if it is then let me break it down for you. I am nuts about this man, absolutely bonkers. He is me...so how could I not absolutely adore him? We are so much alike in so many of the same ways, and we know each other's personality types, which is a good thing.

BUT!!

See the dramatics there? I couldn't help it! We are what we are, and I refuse to let my emotions get in the midst of anything and ruin it. What are we? I don't know actually. I don't think we expected to dig each other like this upon our first meeting, so we are both just trying to enjoy it. Yet, we are both aware that this is likely not a relationship that could last in the long run. Why? He just got out of a long marriage, he needs to come into his own right now and enjoy his "singleness". He keeps telling me about wanting to finish school before he retires, and that it will take up a lot of his time. He still wants to have children and experience the whole process of diapers and all the good stuff that goes along with child-rearing from day one! Medically, I am done with that. Though that is not to say I wouldn't do it again for the right reason. (Did I tell you how AWESOME pregnancy was for me?) I still got the tools, they just need to be repaired. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't have made that decision so hastily but, such as life, I did what I thought was best at the time. Plus, it would have been nice to have the anxious and excited dad-to-be rubbing my belly at night and talking to the baby throughout the day. With four pregnancies, nope, never got that. Yeah, I know...sucks to be me.
And let's not forget my condition. I think he would be like New Guy, just not able to be completely comfortable with it for the long term. I just hate that society has put such a horrible stigma on this thing, that people fear it like it's a death sentence! It is what it is, that's all I can say. Okay, also I can say this: If you're reading this and you have ever had a cold sore, you have what I have just in a different part of your body. But essentially the same virus. Now what makes yours less worse than mine? Socially accepted thought patterns, that's what.

All that to say, as far as our relationship, I am doing everything in my mortal power to avoid the L-word like the plague. You know how quick I am to fall, and I don't wanna freak him out or anything, so I keep it under control. Honestly, I am pretty proud of me...I really am changing!


But, for the record...casual dating sucks!

ON OTHER PEOPLE'S TIME

Okay, so I was able to get off work at 1p today, with the sole intent of hitting the road at about 4p at the latest. Um....NOT!! My mother's outpatient procedure was scheduled for 12noon. They are currently running about 2 hours behind! Mind you, for this procedure, you can't have eaten solid foods the day before. Not 12 hours...THE. WHOLE. DAY. My poor mom! On top of the fact that she has to be put out for this, and her and anesthia are not really the best of buds.

But, as long as her outcome is positive and clean...I am good with that!

So, of course that spirals down to my expected departure time. I am now hoping for 6pm.

I have some running to do, so I will let you know how my weekend went when I get back!

Countdown!!

Man, you have NO IDEA how excited I am for this trip! You'd think it was a dream vacation to Hawaii or something wouldn't you? That's kind of how it feels, considering my life!

Today, I discovered a slow leak, but I have no time to get it fixed, so I am just gonna have to nurse it. Nothing is keeping me from going down there! To add insult to injury, payday is next week, so you know finances are not that pretty. I have a plan though, never fear!!

Since Kween is getting a ride down there courtesy of moi, that should cover some of the gas money getting there. Once I am there, I know my car won't move, whenever we do go out. Then come Sunday, when it's time to go, all I have to do is gas up using my debit card. Here is a little trick I found out a few years back: As long as you have a positive balance on your debit card, you can get get gas at the pump!!! Cool, huh?

Oh, don't panic! I am not purposely trying to bounce my account! I just know I have money being deposited on Monday, so that will take care of that. Hey, I gotta do what I gotta do!

The plan is to get off work early tomorrow so I can have everything taken care of and just be redy to drop the kids off and rollout about 5p at the latest. I would have loved to leave earlier, but my mom is having a procedure done at noon, and Leigh will be going with her. Just found this out tonight as a matter of fact. I'm trying to roll with it though!

Come hell or high water....I am going to Memphis this weekend!

Close Call!

So, THE WEEKEND is coming up in a couple of days!! I am so excited, but at the same time have been apprehensive...waiting for the hammer to fall. Everytime I really plan something for me, something happens and the plans get ruined. Take my birthday weekend for instance! Need a reminder? Find it here.



Well, something almost happened. Almost. I was talking to my sister Leigh and asking her what kind of ingredients she wanted me to buy for the kids (they'll be making cookies at her house). She told me she would get it to me next week. That's when I reminded her it was this weekend. The look of confusion on her face was only trumped by the look of cool panic on mine. She was under the impression it was next weekend, not in 2 days! She says I told her the 21st, not the 14th. But I don't remember giving her a date. I remembered saying 2 weeks before Christmas. Then she proceeds to tell me that she will have our other sisters' children on Saturday. So, after a few moments of tension, she states that she will still do it.



WHEW!!!!!!



But, what that has made me think is that -as much as I want to see him as much as possible - I don't want to have to ask my sisters to watch my kids for a weekend again. I have that Delta ticket that expires at the end of March, and we were planning a trip in March. But unless my mom is willing to come up here and watch the kids...I just can't see it happening!

Yes, it does suck. Honestly, since I have had 4 children, I have NEVER gone on an overnight trip or a weekened getaway with anyone. Wasn't even a consideration, cause I already knew the outcome. But, for him, I decided to try. It's just too much mental stress on me. Now I am feeling guilty, knowing that my children will indeed be an inconvenience to someone else - that thing I loathe the most. Nevertheless, the plan is to go all out and completely enjoy myself, knowing the likelihood of a repeat anytime soon ain't lookin' so hot!

We are such homebodies, it really sucks at times like these. My middle sister? I would the thought would NEVER cross her mind to go anywhere without her kids. If she won an all-expence paid trip to Hawaii for two, she surely couldn't go. How could she not go without her girls??? I feel so bad for her sometimes. I told Kween the other day, I could see Anne dating again before I could see my sister! That's not a news flash, unless you recall that Ann's husband lost his battle with cancer earlier this year. Yeah, that about sums it up huh?

And, happily or not so happily, Leigh has been married since 1995, so she doesn't have to date...she's already there! She can't necessarily understand my position either. I couldn't even see her and her husband taking a much needed getaway, becuase they wouldn't be able to take the girls! Does that make me a bad mommy, cause I want some experiences for myself!?

Fine then, if it does...cause I still do!!

Why am I so hard to please?

So, if you haven't noticed, I have been a bit unsettled lately.

We'll blame it on hormones.

Why am I the way I am?? I mean here's a great guy that's totally into me, true to his word, and has proven he cares about me and that he is a friend. But, there is a problem with that for me. He's not "The One", he's not even a contender in the title fight for my heart.

This is such unfamiliar territory for me, I am starting to melt down I fear. I have always looked at guys as potential life partner and, if you didn't fit that bill we didn't even date. Why waste money paying a babysitter or time away from home on something that wasn't going anywhere? The Major was "safe" because he was so far away, there was no danger of that ever becoming a relationship. But meanwhile, I was still looking for Mr. Right-For-Me.

Another thing is I've always had it in the back of my mind that Can't Get Right and I would eventually get it together and get married (and show everyone!). But, lately I have come to the realization that that is not going to happen, so that "always in love" feeling is gone. I don't like it! I like being in love! I want to be in love! I want to stay in love!

Right now, I am in no position to fall in love, be in love, or stay in love with Dante. I just can't allow it to happen. I would most assuredly be setting myself up for heartbreak. And who really does that on purpose, right? But then, if I even go looking for something else (yeah, I was yahoo personals browsing last night), then I feel guilty like I am cheating. The thought of him with someone else drives me nuts (I am a bit possessive...but not in jealous way). That's why I wouldn't initiate a conversation with anyone. I just don't really want to meet anyone new right now! I got too much other stuff to deal with.

Okay, okay. I need to get my head back in the game don't I? Enjoy this for what it is, which is awesome. I LOVE it when we're together and I hate-it-but-handle-it when we're apart. I look forward to my visit next weekend, and to him coming home the week afterwards. Since I am working part of Christmas Day, I have already invited him over to my house for a full course dinner on that Sunday before. I am really trying to plan our getaway trip too, even if it's only a weekend away. I want to go away with him, we have so much fun together. Plus the thought of being in a hotel room alone with him, not worrying about any hearing....WHEW!!! Truly, he does things to me that have never been done before (which was nearly impossible)...and we are still exploring each other! There is more to come on both sides!

So can I just let it be fun and a great time and rest in the fact that - while I'm busy getting my act together otherwise (home, business, finances, etc) - one day the lasting relationship that I still so desperately seek will come my way. Only next time it does, I'll be ready for it!

Happy Saturday!

My punkin is out in the field again this weekend. I talked to him last night as he was getting ready to leave. I picked out the perfect card for him on Monday and mailed it, positive it would be there by his return from New Orleans on Wednesday. Well, he didn't return until Thursday...and the card didn't arrive til Friday!! What can you expect for 42 cents, right?
I put a lot of effort into getting the right card, I took a few minutes searching. I would read the outside of one and it would be perfect, exactly what I wanted to say about our relationship. Then open it up and BAM! There is the L-word! Exactly NOT what I wanted to say. So apparently third time was the charm, cause when it happened the third time, I said a little prayer then opened it up and....it was perfect!

Even better is that he really liked it and appreciated the sentiment. Yay me! I have sent him an e-card before, but I didn't want to seem like a complete cheapskate so I decided to send a real one too.

Remember those card-making kiosks?


I had a good talk with The One today. No, not about relationship stuff or anything about "us". It was more about life in general, a very positive conversation I must say. The second one in a row. But as much as my bff wants us to get together, I just don't feel it. I feel more for the New Guy still than I do for The One. I think we (me and The One) will just be good friends eternally...but I don't see us getting together or married or anything like that. I have seen what a good man and a good relationship is supposed to be and, it's just not possible to go back to what I have always known from him. When I call, he answers...or if he doesn't, he calls back within hours at the most. If he says he's coming by, he actually shows up. If we make plans to do something, I can count on him not to cancel at the last minute. He backs up his words with actions. You know, little things like that! I can truly thank the New Guy for these expectations (and Dante is reinforcing it). Unfortunately, I don't think his experience with me gained such positive reviews. Such as life, you live and you learn, and try not to repeat the same mistakes again.

I chatted with the New Guy the other day. I try to check in with him every now and then. Not for relationship purposes, but just cause he's an okay guy in my book. I guess he felt the need to confirm with me that he was seeing someone, but I already knew (I asked whether it was serious or not, and it is). He is not the type to be alone for too long, just like me. We just want to be loved, we just weren't the ones to do it for each other apparently. How mad could I be? I mean, I am seeing someone too, right? Yeah, it does bug me a bit, because hindsight is 20/20 and I see the errors of my ways. I could have been a hell of a lot more understanding of what he was going through at the time, and just backed off for a while. But noooooo, I thought I had been patient enough waiting for an answer to the "Am I still desirable to you, or am I unworthy because of my condition" question....and I wanted to know NOW!!!

There is absolutely no guarantee that had I been more considerate this would have taken a different turn, but I can always imagine. We are our own worst enemies and critics though aren't we? Part of it is my usual love-can-conquer-all self, thinking he would have chosen me over fear of this condition. But that's not very realistic now is it? I had a good run of guys not being that concerned about it and trusting me and the facts they read about it. So it was bound to happen sooner or later, I suppose. I mean, in reality, you can't win 'em all.

It just sucks that -out of all the others- he was the one I lost.

Life goes on, and it wasn't meant to be. That's right, two-two-two cliches in one!!!

Life Goes On

Wow, am I having a bad day today!

I am so tired of being depressed and broke on payday!

As my mother used to say, "I am sick and tired of being sick and tired!"

Finances are shot to hell. I am all borrowed out, and guess what? The bills keep coming! So, I just downloaded the software I need to my laptop so I can sit up and take calls that way. I died to get this work-at-home job...and I have done crap with it!!

This is my "little" so that God will see I am capable of handling "much" next year. So, I will designate a day off every week, but otherwise I plan to work everyday...as much as I can until the bills are not only caught up, but AHEAD!!!!

Can you imagine? It doesn't even seem realistic! But it is possible!!!

I just have to put my mind to doing it. To not let "I'm tired" be my excuse to keep living like this. Hell, most nights I go to bed at 1am anyway, why not get paid for it?!

Been chatting with the Commander lately. He will be most happy if he could get into my pants again - or get me out of them, whichever way you look at it. Ah well....life goes on.

Still wonder what's in the future for me romantically. I know, I know....I'm being ridiculous. But you've got to know this casual dating is only gonna work with me for so long, right? I mean, Dante and I even talked about it. This is great for now, but eventually we're both gonna want more than the other person can give. That's where we'll go our separate romantic ways, with good memories but left to start over again.

Have I ever mentioned how much I loathe starting over?? I just want to be settled and happily married for the rest of my life, why is that so much to ask?????

I know. You don't have to say it. I have to be patient. It will happen in time. When the time is right, the right person will come along.

Blah, blah, blah is all I am hearing right now.

Sleet

Yes, I know. Winter has officially begun. It was snowing earlier in the afternoon...then it all changed! It's been downhill from there. But, as long as we don't end up where we were last year...life is good!

Got my time bridged at work. Now that means nothing for seniority shift bids, but it does mean I will now have an extra week of vacation for 2008. WooHoo!! So I have four weeks of time to account for next year! That is grand!!! Dante and I are planning a getaway to Reno or Vegas using my Delta tickets I won last year. We are looking at probably the second or third week in March as ideal. Once again, I will have to rely on my sisters, since the kids are in school during that time. But as long as I have their clothes ironed and food for them and everything, all should be okay I am thinking.

Okay...I am really hoping!!

And praying!!

Maybe a little begging too!!

I'll keep you posted...

Been Thinking

Yes, I know....scary, right? Well, I have had a LOT on my mind lately. Been all over the place as a matter of fact. But, first things first. Dante and I are still doing very well, greatly enjoying each other. We talk pretty much every day, or email, or text, or all of the above! I still don't feel like there's anyone else, and I hope I have made it clear that I want him to tell me when there is.

I really don't know what will happen at that point honestly. I am too old to be sharing, but can I really go back to just being his friend? It wouldn't be easy, that's for sure. But, it's not like we were not completely up front that that day would come eventually. However, we didn't expect to hit it off this well in person either, and have so much in common. Taste in movies, taste in music, exceptionally warped sense of humor even!! But, we are what we are...and unless he changes his mind about wanting to have kids of his own....we can be no more than we are now.

However, we are completely infatuated with each other...and it feels great!!



In other news, I have made the decision that I will work from home by end of the school year. My goals are to get my computers up to speed - laptop and desktop (which I *ahem* fried the other day). Okay I don't think it's really bad, I tried to put my memory upgrades in correctly this time, and I believe it was too much for my power supply unit. I also got advice on a tech support forum that told me that. So, I have to buy a new one first to see what happens. Hopefully my computer boots up...otherwise I may have done unseen damage to my motherboard. That would suck!

So, I am in the process of doing online classes through my job to brush up on my international skills. It has a dual purpose of course. If I am able to work the overnight position from home, great I will need it. Otherwise, I need to learn for myself for StarrDom Travel. It's just quick little courses, maybe an hour long or so, but packed with a lot of info! From this point on, everything I do will have some consequence to get me towards my goal professionally.

I am already thinking about what a failure this year was in that respect. One more year gone that I wasn't taking charge of my life. I was someone's charity case all damn year it seems like. Poor girl with the four kids all alone. Blah, blah, blah. I am not a victim! I will not be a victim! My kids deserve to see better from me.

And okay I will go ahead and admit this....I still miss the New Guy.

(solo-mommy exits quickly before the reactions begin.)

Melancholy -- Blame It on the Moon

Ok, so I am somewhere between depressed about life in general, emotionally frazzled due to PMS, or just melancholy due to the phase of the moon. No, I am not super into the whole astrology thing, but I am very aware of my hypersensitivity to the full moon. I get that from my mother also (among all the other things). When she's feeling emotionally "weird" for no apparent reason, one of the first things she does is check the moon. She's usually right on about it too.

Whatever this is, it really sucks.

I really don't like feeling like I could cry at the drop of a hat...and over nothing. Yet, here I am.

And what did I do to make this jacked up state of being worse???

I watched The Lake House! If you haven't seen it, just watch it. But take my word for it, I wouldn't recommend it during PMS time!

This Week in Review

Monday: DJ had a basketball game. I switched with Kween to get off at 4p, since it was a 430p game. I hate that they ASSUME one of these kids' parents stays at home! I am the only parent, and I work full time! I worked through my lunch and left at 330p, which helped out a lot! WHAT AN AWESOME GAME!!! The kids played so well together, I was literally bursting with pride! They actuallyt won!!! They don't technically keep score, but people do anyway. And after their shutout 35-0 against O'Fallon the Friday before, they really needed this boost. And it was just an all around great game! That was one of two highlights that day.
The other was talking to the New Guy on my way to the game. I just needed to clear the air with him, and make sure he knew I wasn't still mad at him. You remember my big rant, don't you? We had a good conversation, and I'm glad for it. I wanted him to know that I understood the decision that he made and that it wasn't an easy decision for him, and that I thought he was a good guy and definitely a good man. I even told him he could be my friend and call me every now and again. (Don't know if he'll take me up on that one though)

Tuesday: Paypal's bank tried to take the $474.59 payment out of my account again. This happens AFTER I deposit a check into my landlord's bank account! My bank could in no way confirm to me that they would hold my rent check to clear when presented. That check could not bounce!! Stress level is mounting again.

Wednesday: Still worried over finances, but at least the rent check hasn't bounced...yet.

Thursday: Worked in the office by myself from 730a-4p. It was very cool as usual. I had my laptop set up and was watching movies that I rented from Redbox (which I totally love). I watched Live Free or Die Hard, which was action-packed and pretty awesome all around. It has the guy from the commercials that plays the Mac...and he did very well. Reminded me of a couple of great pairings of the action star and the comic relief from previous films. Judge Dredd (Stallone and Rob Schneider) and Rundown (Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and Sean William Scott (from the American Pie movies)).

Went to my sister's house to eat and retrieve the children. Mom came up to my house, then I took her van to work. She drove my van since all the carseats were already in there. I ate one plate of food, then had a good helping of ambrosia. I was good for the rest of the night. I packed some cake and more ambrosia, and we headed home. After all, I still had to work Friday too!

Friday: One other person was in the office today and thank goodness it was someone I could stand all day. I still had my laptop set up though. Between calls I was able to watch 2 movies. It was a lot busier than Thanksgiving. I logged about 30 calls, and that wasn't everything! Some were quick answers to quick questions, and I didn't get a name, so I didn't log them. Mom came up again this morning and watched the kids for me.
Everything looks like it may be getting back to normal with my bank account. As soon as that happens though, I am closing my paypal and ebay accounts. If I need them again, then I can re-register at a later time. I am just tired of being constantly "behind the 8-ball". I want more, and the kids and I deserve more too! When things like this happen to people like me, it takes a long time to recover from it. But God is still on the throne, and those wrongdoers will not triumph on one of His children...in the Mighty Name of Jesus!!

Birthdays Rule!!!

WOW!!!! I thought my birthday rocked! Dante went above and beyond for my birthday! I haven't had such a *ahem* pleasurable time in I don't know how long!



Well, I knew that when Dante came into town on Friday night, he was coming straight to my place. The plan was to take the kids to Kween's house where they would spend the night, and I would pick them up in the morning. So, after I had fed them and they were close to ready for bed, I took them to her house and got everyone situated. He was about 45min to an hour away. Which was still enough time to get home, straighten a little more then take care of me. Even though I am not totally in love with my figure, I also know it's not as bad as I sometimes tell myself. So knowing that, I decided to wear a "little something" for when he came in the door. Black, lace stretch chemise that just barely covered the assets!



I was so concerned about "looking right", I tried on a couple of different pieces to make sure it would be the right one! I haven't been that concerned in a while, but it was a special occasion after all! (His reaction told me I picked the right piece!)



I lit candles in the room and closed the door, then went to take my shower. I was so anxious for him to get here! It was a VERY long week without him! I drank a Smirnoff Ice very quickly to get a good buzz going on, then lay across the bed. I dozed off for a second, but then he called and told me he was on his way. There was no napping first this night!



Yes I did sleep very well with him next to me. And so did he! BUT, before we slept...

Let me just say, I didn't think it could get much better but...well... (sighs and grins)

So, the next morning as we're laying in bed listening to music and talking, Kween calls. She tells me to tell him hello and he immediately holds his hand out for the phone. So they talk and she tells him I need to be somewhere by 12noon, which he understands as I need to be at her house by noon. Fast forward to a little bit later when I am trying to "convince" him to play a little longer. He was determined he wasn't gonna have Kween mad at him if i didn't show up.

Now comes the good part.

So, he asks me where I needed to be, and I told him about the loan place so I could start borrowing money to pay my rent. (My landlord was NOT happy that I was gonna be late again) He asked how much I needed, and I told him (it was over $500 but under a grand). He preceded to call his credit union to start the process for a bank to bank transfer!! I couldn't even speak After everything was done and I was still in shock about what happened, he came over and put his arms around me. All I could say was "Thank you. This was beyond." I told him I was shaking, and he said he knew because he could feel it.

I was finally able to compose myself and we got some clothes on then went to IHOP for breakfast. Spinach and Mushroom omelet with a stack of pancakes...perfect! (I definitely worked up that appetite during the night/morning!) We talked and talked and talked. I learned even more about him...and I ate up every word. Perhaps he learned a couple more things about this fascinating creature known as SoloMommy.

What a wonderful time we had together. We left each other's company at about 2p, then I headed straight to Kween's house. I didn't leave there until almost 10p! That was the first time I have really spent time at her house, and we both really enjoyed it too! Today is my recovery day, so I am just lounging! It's back to the grind tomorrow. It's not like this will be a short week for me, since I am working both Thanksgiving and the day after!

Somebody's got to do it, right?

The Week in Review

WOW! What a week!

Work was work. Got an HR email about a midnight homeworker position...that I don't qualify for since I am still on written for attendance! Oh well...not for me at this time is the way I look at it. But, I believe there will be another position coming soon, if I am to stay at that job. It's funny listening to some of the people in there talking about how they couldn't work at home because they need the socialization. Mind youm these people either have no children or their children are grown with lives of their own. There are so many things I would love to do, if I could work overnight while my children are sleeping. I could work HSN during the afternoons when I wake up, and then in the evenings...or on my off days from CWT. I could do data entry on my laptop while working CWT, and when it was slow. AND, I would be able to pick my kids up from school. AND, I would be able to pick my nieces up, therefore saving my sisters on latchkey costs. AND, I wouldn't have to worry about missing work of one the WonderTwins had a fever and couldn't go to work the next day. AND, I could take them to any functions they needed to go to in the time between school dismissal and when I would usually pick them up.

Needlesstosay, I am really hopeful about this one. I let my manager know that I was VERY interested in a midnight homeworker position. If all continues as it is going, I should off my written attendance warning by December 15. I have a couple things from last year this time falling off by then. Once that happens, I am free to move about the company!

The most memorable thing that happened to me this week was (drumroll).......

GETTING MY EBAY ACCOUNT HACKED AND HAVING SOME ASSHOLE IN INDONESIA BUY OVER $2000 IN CELL PHONES...THEN PAY FOR AT LEAST ONE OF THEM THRU MY PAYPAL ACCOUNT!!!

Yeah.....good times, good times.

Please. Don't start the "that's why I don't shop online" sanctimonious bullcrap! Yeah, I've heard it a couple of times this week and it is quite annoying. Especially when I know that my bff wasn't shopping online but paying at a major hotel chain when her credit card info was stolen and used to buy several hundred dollars worth of groceries in Mexico!! Criminals will find a way to make things happen, whether it is online or offline!

Paypal rectified the situation very quickly, as did ebay. I contacted the sellers of all these $400-$600 cell phones and explained the situation. Most responded by filing a dispute, which gets their listing fees waived so they can relist at no additional cost. I had one seller that was being a moron saying they had already received payment. So I replied that no payment was coming or will come from my paypal account and that I am sure there will be a dispute from whoever's paypal account he hacked into, but that it was up to them if they wanted to take the chance and send the item. I notified my bank immediately, and now I just have to have them waive a NSF fee, then life is good.

What's ironic is that I haven't really been shopping on ebay because of my finances. I have had that account for about 5 years and nothing like that has ever happened. But because I let my guard down, and wasn't active or watching over it, I get burned. So, lesson learned, and I am back on top of it.

I have been talking to Dante this week. We text alot, which is uber-convenient. Some say it's impersonal and whatever, but when I am working I can't very well talk on the phone. But, I can text!!! I felt better about it, all the melancholy feelings that I had last weekend after he left. I can't wait til he gets here this weekend for his birthday. I have a few tricks up my sleeve for him! I want to make his birthday as memorable as he made mine!

He is still so sweet and thankful about what happened on Saturday. I really didn't think it was a big deal, but it really meant a lot to him that I stayed. Seriously, I just couldn't see it any other way.

I will let you know how the weekend goes.

A Lazy Day

So, I am feeling really melancholy about Dante headed to Memphis.

Yes, I know it's only 5 hours away max.

Yes, he will be back this weekend for his birthday.

Yes, Kween and I are already planning a trip there before Christmas.

BUT, I don't know where we are, Dante and I.

I mean we talked before, and I told him about Can't Get Right, but then I later told him I wasn't that concerned about him anymore. We agreed that if the other person started seeing someone else, then we would be honest and say something, then just be friends.

BUT, that was before we met. Now that we have met and realized all of the chemistry we had in the virtual world transferred into reality, has things changed? I guess in a way they have, though the basic principles are still the same.

He still lives 5 hours away. I am fimly planted where I am.
He is still in the military for at least another 2 years.
He still wants to have children of his own. I am surgically altered so I can have no more.
We are so alike in so many ways, yet some of the fundamental differences is what keeps me grounded and not trip off into LoveLand (as I have been known to do *ahem* a time or two).

So I should just continue to enjoy this for awhile right? Keep things under control. Don't get too emotionally attached or involved. Let it be what it's gonna be. Nothing more.

I tell myself that daily. But, it will be easier since he will be gone on a more permanent basis. I will admit, I was very comfortable sleeping under him. Even he noticed it and teased me about it! (Don't worry, he was always gone before the kids woke up) All the time that I was involved with Cody, I was never comfortable sleeping with him. I mean like actual catchin' some Zs kinda sleeping. I was on my side, he was on his. But with Dante, I couldn't wait til he got comfortable in a spot so I could snuggle into the space between his arm and his torso! He loved it too though. It's been a while for him with that kind of intimacy. In case you didn't know, sleeping with someone can be a very intimate act. I figured that out because of how I was with Cody. So distant and guarded when it came to the actual sleeping part of the night.

So, all is well that has ended (or been put on hold) very well. Because seriously, at the end of the day, I want to see him happy. If he finds a woman in Memphis and they go on to get married and he finally gets that child he has wanted for a long time, I will be ecstatic. I care about him, I consider him a friend, so I want what he wants. That's just who I am.

We shall see that...the saga continues!

The Rest of the Weekend

Saturday night turned out to be a fiasco. My bff and I weren't on the best of terms. The way things turned out, I didn't get to go to dinner. By the time I got babysitting all situated and was on my way from home, they were done eating and the chocolate souffle was to be ready in 17min. It was going to take me 40 minutes to get there. So, here I was frustrated and highly disappointed, and all dressed up with nowehere to go.

I called the Kween to vent, she told me to call Dante and see when the game was over and if he had plans afterwards. East Saint Louis Senior High was playing for the shot to go to state championships...and they won!!! Go us!!! Kween said if I didn't get a hold of him or if he already had something else planned, she was gonna put on some clothes and we were gonna go somewhere! Which was very sweet cause I was near tears and so disappointed by all that had happened, and because she is not the 'going out' type but willing to do it for me.

So I met him in the parking lot and then followed him to the Ahmes Temple (lot of older folks' hangout), where he was to meet with his old classmates and some of his family. Well we got in there and got a table, his cousin ordered us drinks. (I only had cranberry juice due to my very first -and prayerfully very last- UTI) I noticed his talking was rather slurred which concerned me, cause I didn't want him out there drunk driving. So we were talking and he laid his head on my shoulder and it started getting heavier. And heavier. And heavier. His cousin woke him up once and he talked for a few minutes, but his eyes were very heavy. The next time we got close and he laid his head against mine, he was out like a light!!! So I woke him up and told him to come outside with me, thinking the fresh air would wake him up. It didn't. We got into his truck and he started it since it was chilly out. He got comfortable and within a few seconds was out again.

That's what I wanted, which is why we went out there. I didn't want him sleep in the place. So, here I am thinking I would listen to some music and let him nap for about an hour. Then we could go back in and enjoy ourselves.

Yeah....um....not. How about 2 and a half hours later, I FINALLY got him to wake up!! The combination of alcohol and a lack of sleep from the night before was too much for him, and he literally passed out. There was nothing I could do to wake him. His phone was clipped to his pants and vibrating, and that did nothing. I was shaking him and talking to him...nothing. At one point he went to stretch and began gunning the engine, since his foot was on the gas. I had to literally lift his left off the pedal! (I told him about that later and he was very freaked out)

I know, I know. You're thinking I'm a nut for staying out there with him while he was sleeping, and you probably would have left. You know that thought crossed my mind but, being the fiercely loyal and very protective Scorpio that I am, I just couldn't do it. What if something happened? I would never have forgiven myself. EVER. I just had to watch over him and make sure he was okay, he needed me.

When he finally woke completely up, realized how much time had passed, and realized that I stayed with him the whole time, he was amazed! If he didn't thank me 50 times, he didn't thank me once. He was truly shocked, and grateful, and appreciative for what I had done. It was no big deal. So, we went to Ruby Tuesday's to eat (I hadn't eaten since JITB earlier). Can you believe, I was one of those couples that sat on the same side of the booth?? And yes we smooched most of the time too! I loved it!

So, I went to Sam's and got Champagne's cake. My bff and I talked and kind of made amends for the day before. We learned some things about what the other person was thinking. I told her I felt slighted alot of the times because she is always doing something with the couple when she's here. And then strangely she felt like I was more focused on texting and talking to Dante, which was infringing on our time together. I say strangley because honestly, he and I didn't text but a couple of times throughout the entire day (it was less than 15 messages received and sent, I counted), and we talked once when he came up to the movie theatre. But hey we both acknowledged that we were being a little bratty I guess. I also did my weekly trip to Aldi to get groceries to make dinner for the week. I can easily feed all of us for a week with a few staple products and about $25. Once again everyone, a round of applause for the amazing feats of Solo-Mommy!!!!

Dante ended up coming over when everone was there so he got to meet the whole crew. I apologized later, just in case he was freaked out by that at all, but he said he it was fine. I am sad that he is leaving in the morning. So now I have to get my feelings back in check, cause I was really starting to dig him. Back to reality! He gave the birthday girl 5 $1 bills, which was so sweet. She was happy cause she got her birthday card from Grammy. I will try to have a Wordless Wednesday and post all the pics but, no guarantees k?

So, all in all, it was an up and down weekend. I went through the gamut of emotions and had some very interesting experiences. I have to say everything turned out as it should have so, no regrets I suppose.

I still say 34 is off to a great start!!!

Just need to vent

Mood: Frustrated!!!



So as you know, my bff came into town this weekend for my birthday. I was just saying how it was so nice that we got to spend the whole day together yesterday. We hung out from when I picked her up from the airport that morning to about 930 that night. Usually when she comes to St. Louis to visit, she spends the entire time with the couple (her very good friends) that she stays with while here. I may get a few hours on the day she gets here or I may get a little bit of time and take her to the airport as she is leaving. Which I am a little envious sure. I'm the bff and they get the majority of the time when she is here. But I have never said anything, because at least they went to visit her in Chicago. It's been since DJ was a baby that I did that. Granted, they also had either no kids or one little baby at the time as well.


But anyway, silly me to have thought this may be like my weekend or something. As usual, something happens with one of them that changes everything. Well now we find out...the DAY OF DINNER....that he has to be at work at 6p. The place is a little ways out so with reservations at 430p (sharp), I would need to leave at about 330p. That frustrated me because then I've got to start scrambling to get things together. Dante won't be able to make it anymore cause he is at a game til 5P in ESL. I told him no worries. I haven't been able to reach the Kween so the girls can babysit. I just sprung the kids on Leigh last night for my birthday, so I don't want to do that again. Unfortunately I vented to my bff and now she is upset, whereas I am starting to feel better.

I am just being a brat, so don't mind me! Damnit!! It's MY best friend and it's MY birthday dinner!! They weren't even going to be invited until we found out it was his birthday too (same as mine)!!!



(solo-mommy breathes deeply) Relax, Relate, Release!!!

Happy Birthday to Me!!!!

OH WHAT A NIGHT!!!!

I had a GREAT day yesterday for my birthday! I picked my bff up at the airport at 9a. We stopped at Schnuck's to get a few items since she was in the mood to cook breakfast. She had a phone interview with Monsanto while we were on our way to her friend's house (where she stays when she's here). We stayed over there a few hours. Part of the time while she was cooking, I was wasting my life away trying to get a complete moron to change my Sprint plan. After 45minutes of my life had passed, I hung up and got another agent who changed it to the way I asked and then we moved on to something else.

Can't Get Right/The One had left a voicemail while I was talking to Sprint Customer Service. No, I didn't ignore his call. Sprint somehow disables your call waiting when you call their customer service (*2) number! How nice of them! Cause you know, this 10 minutes I was on hold just to talk to you is nothing compared to the minute or two (tops) that you may have to hold while I take what could be a very important call!

Anywho - back to the story. Turns out, Mr. Man had taken the morning off and wanted to spend some time with me. But, of course, by the time I called him back he was headed in the work! Of course! No big deal, I wasn't that broken up about it. When you don't have something, it's hard to miss it right? I don't miss my GMC Yukon XL Denali....cause I don't have one! See how that works? Same with him, I can't miss spending time with someone that I never spend time with.

After we left there, I stopped up at my job and introduced my bff to a few of my coworkers. Then we headed to see Tyler Perry's (best film yet!) Why Did I Get Married? at the movie theatre. OMG!!! We laughed, we cursed, we cried, we got mad, and we got glad! That movie was awesome and I am SO GLAD I got to see it with my bestest friend! It was very good, we could both relate to it...and neither of us had been to the show in so long! She even got to meet Dante, since he stopped up there and gave me a card (and a few good kisses). She said she liked him and wanted him to come to dinner with us today. So that was cool. This little sneak even left a card at work for me! Kween sent me a text message to come to work, so I went right after the movie thinking something was wrong. She just wanted me to see the card he brought up there.
I know......awwwww, what a sweetie! He is good at what he does!

We stopped by the house for a little bit to recoup, then picked up the kids. I fed them dinner and then we went to Dominique's game. I was very excited that for the first time ever, she has been at an event of her godson's! With her living out of town, it was just never really possible before. Then we went to the Officer's house for cheesecake for my birthday. We decided on cheesecake instead of cake and ice cream due to Starr's birthday last week and Champagne's birthday the day after mine. We had a good time and she got a little bit to eat as well. I had one bite of cheesecake (not a huge fan) and fed the rest to the WonderTwins. I noticed my bff was getting tired so we were wrapping up for the evening. So Dante calls and wants to know if we wanna go to a party. I told him sure but I knew my bff wouldn't want to, since it's already past her bedtime and she'd been up since 4a to fly here.

So, with a knot in my stomach, I asked Leigh if the kids could stay over. She said she didn't mind. That was HUGE for me to do! I don't have a life as it is, because it's hard asking people to babysit FOUR children, while I go out and do whatever. But I thought, 'hey, it's my birthday dangit, and I wanna do something'! Leigh said yes and I took BFF to her friends' house in St. Louis, then dropped off the kids at Leighs. I thanked her again and headed down to meet Dante at a little hole in the wall in the city.

We didn't stay there long. He was still reeling from seeing me earlier that day. I had my hair down finally (first time he's seen it), some well-fitting jeans, and my grey contacts. It was the first time he's really seen me prettied-up in person! And he LOVED IT! So when he asked who had the kids and I told him they were at my sister's house, he perked right up. This is what he said:

"So you got the house to yourself?" [I replied that I did] "Well, let's go. I'm following you!"

It was an absolutely awesome day with the bff...and the night/morning with my Soldier Boy was phenomenal! There was some sleeping...but not a lot. We had music, candles, burning oil, and two Scorpios with enough passion to light a city! It was SO GOOD! A birthday night well spent...and noone I would have rather been with!

34 is off to an AWESOME START!

Champagne is 5 Today!!!

Yes, the baby girl is the big 0-5 today! Since I have plans today still for my birthday, I am going to have the family over for cake and ice cream tomorrow.

They make these little crowns at school with the child's name and their age on it, so she is wearing that around now. We didn't do anything major this morning after I picked them up. I wanted to go to Denny's, but really my pocketbook didn't support that theory. We went to Mickey D's at about 10:25a, and they had already decided to start serving lunch. So we went to Jack in the Box, because Jack says breakfast is available ALL DAY! Jack rules for that in my book (the giant blueberry french toast sticks are a helper as well). Now I am just lounging around...recovering from last night/this morning with my Soldier Boy. (more on that later)

I will probably go to Sam's tomorrow to get her cake, but no more 1/2 sheet cakes! I'm getting a round this time, I ended up throwing away cake from Starr's birthday! I am so GLAD there are no more birthdays (that require cake) until March!

Starr is 9 Today!!!

Yes, she is in her last year of single digits! She was so excited for her to birthday to come. Not cause there was some big party or anything like that. But she was excited just because it was HER BIRTHDAY! That totally rocks in my book!

Yay me, that I raised completely unselfish and unmaterialistic kids (thusfar)! And a big Yay to my Momma for doing it to me!!!

She talked to her father on the phone this morning. He kept checking with me on the evening's plans and agenda all day. Did he manage to show up for her birthday?

Is George W. Bush the best president ever?

I thought that would answer the question pretty smartly (read: sarcastically).

Life is still good though. My mom gave me these Valentine's things from Krispy Kreme...and I may let them go tomorrow morning and get their own doughnut for a 2nd breakfast (we'll probably have cereal before we leave).

Really? What kid wouldn't think that was cool?

Halloween is FINALLY Over!

I thought it would never leave!!! Unfortunately, I have somewhere close to a metric ton of candy to contend with! I am not real big on candy and my kids. It's not cause I'm a mean mommy, but moreso to try and prevent them from taking the path I did.

They like candy, as most normal, red-blooded children do. However, they do not love candy as I did growing up. I mean real love. Like every-tooth-in-my-head-is-filled kinda love!

They did dress up though. My sister, Leigh, was able to provide costumes for all, and my brother-in-law took them trick or treating, while I chatted with Leigh and my mom and fried some chicken strips and fries.

I will post their pics later...I am tired though, so headed to bed.